stuff jen says: Mar. 28: Everything she wants

You think I just whip out this blog stuff on the fly, don't you? Well, I don't. I spend hours researching each topic I write about, and more hours doing the actual writing. And when I have nothing to say but sense the world is dying for another one of my brilliant posts, I do NOT make stuff up; I think of a Wham! song title and then pull a little sump'n from my bag of tricks. Well, not so much "tricks" as "stolen ideas." Here's another.

Google a phrase including your name. Or for fun, Google a phrase using someone else's name. Like your seester's. She's always good for a laugh or six. Today's phrase is "Kathy wants to ..."

... tell her family and friends that Phil is only pretending to be a Jew
... connect the dots
... sell books to pay for skateboards
... know, "Who are those people in my picture?"
... release her third solo album
... go back to the womb
... know everything
... sit by the window
... take a fruit salad to a picnic she's attending
... know how you ripped my jeans
... get wif Shane
... be adored and worshipped like the royalty she feels she is
... check every part of every suit under the black light
... lay a smackdown on Susie
... pound on my head for wearing my socks instead of selling them as art
... move the toilet across the hall
... enjoy her money, not sock it away for retirement
... call him Tom
... build a pergola
... visit your place on February 11. Are you free that day?
... resurrect the acting ambition she gave up at 19, when she decided to marry some rich guy instead
... have soup when she comes home from school
... drag me to this friggin' hillbilly festival village thingy tomorrow night

Silly Kathy. Always wanting something.

Wanna know what Vic needs? Read this.

facts of jen's life

So, who do you think you are? I think I’m Jen. People who don’t know me sometimes call me Jenny. That’s weird.

Tell me about yourself. I was born a small black child, and am now a grown-up, or at least my kids think I am. I’m in my mid-40s and live in the ‘burbs of Portland, Oregon. My husband is Victor, and my kids are Katie and Jack. Read this if you want the real and very long scoop.

Tell me things people might not know about you. I am an ordained minister and can perform marriages. Why no one has asked me to do this for them yet, I do not know. ● At the request of my Disney-hating friend Ed, I got mouse ears embroidered with the name “Satan” and I didn’t even get kicked out of Disneyland. It’s quite possibly the ballsiest thing I’ve ever done. ● I “helped” write this book, published in 2012: You Take it From Here, by Pamela Ribon. My name is in the back, and I’m still geeking out about it. ● I recorded a song in a studio in 1994 and it got local radio play for a few months. At least two times I turned on the radio in the car and my song was playing at that moment—very cool. ● I nearly died from a zit in 1986. I am not making this up. ● Victor and I once appeared on The Tonight Show. Really. If you can find a VCR, I’ll show you the tape.

I read some of your posts and I think you might be an alcoholic. I drink way less than I write about drinking. If I ever STOP talking about booze, then it’ll be time for an intervention.

What do you love? Books. Coffee. Fonts. Broadway musicals. San Francisco. Bacon. Rum. Law & Order. Naps. Butter. Home. Crack cocaine. iDevices. Words. Disney vacations. You.

If you could punch anything or anyone in the face, what/who would it be? Cancer. I was diagnosed with lymphoma in November 2009. I kicked its big fat ugly ass and am in remission now. ● Comic Sans. ● People who won’t take responsibility for their problems—the “I didn’t do anything to deserve this!” attitude. Look in the mirror. That’s who to blame. ● Celebrities who are famous for no reason. Y’know, if we stop looking, they’ll go away... ● Bad grammar and spelling and the dummies who use it.

You seem bitter. Did someone piss in your Cheerios? I’m not bitter. I think unicorns-and-rainbows stuff isn’t very interesting to read, so I tend not to write that way. But also, now you’re being kind of a jackhole.

It seems like no one ever comments on your blog posts. Why is that? Most people comment on the Facebook links. I don’t know why.

What if I want to tell you something? Two ways to reach me: leave a comment on a post, or e-mail me at jenniferTAKETHISPARTOUTmanullang at gmail-dot-com.

2 comments:

AnonymousMarch 29, 2007 at 6:17:00 PM PDT
Well, Shane's cute and Susie's a b**ch!
AnonymousAugust 7, 2008 at 10:52:00 AM PDT
lmfao - brilliant :)

Hey, please don’t leave an anonymous comment.
Select “Name/URL” below and you can use whatever name you want. No registration required.
Thanks! –Jen

Mar. 28: Everything she wants

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