Jun. 12: Fuzzy memories

The following things may or may not have happened over the past four days:

• On Thursday, Tina and I hosted a last-day-of-school party at our houses and 72 people (half kids, half adults) showed up. Likelihood that I am making up the number of guests, on a scale of 1-5 (5=extremely likely): 1
• We prepared recipes from the e-book 100 recipes for whipped cream vodka for grown-ups. Likelihood that the shot glass sized sample cups kept us from having a lawn-ful of passed-out adults, on a scale of 1-5 (5=extremely likely): 5
• The weather was perfect. Likelihood that this is finally and fabulously true, on a scale of 1-5 (5=extremely likely): 5
• I asked Cassie to help me pull a piece of celery out of my teeth. She grabbed it with both hands and put a foot against my knee to brace herself, but we were laughing too hard to get anywhere. Victor finally came to my rescue. Likelihood that this actually happened, on a scale of 1-5 (5=extremely likely): 2
• I recorded a video in which I later realized I had a bad case of Narrator Hiccups. Likelihood that my hiccups were actually vodka burps, on a scale of 1-5 (5=extremely likely): 5
• While recording, other things also happened. Likelihood that this is true, on a scale of 1-5 (5=extremely likely): 3
• While recording, other things were also said. Likelihood that this is true, on a scale of 1-5 (5=extremely likely): 4
• I cannot make this video publicly available, as I will soon be a PTO c0-president and it would be highly incriminating—comparable to the head of NAACP telling racist jokes. Likelihood that this is a smart decision, on a scale of 1-5 (5=extremely likely): 5
• ***But come on. If you’re gonna dance to “Single Ladies,” the Chicken Dance is never the right choice. NEVER, I tell you. Never. Likelihood that I am righter about this than I’ve ever been about anything I’ve ever said, on a scale of 1-5 (5=extremely likely): 5 ***
• Cassie laid on me in an effort to show her sincere gratitude and to say goodbye. Likelihood that this actually happened, on a scale of 1-5 (5=extremely likely): a fuzzy 3
• Cassie straddle-hugged my husband on the couch to say goodbye. Likelihood that I was sober enough to actually give her permission to do this, on a scale of 1-5 (5=extremely likely): a less fuzzy 4
• Dawn stole vodka. Likelihood that this is actually why she found it on her counter the next morning, on a scale of 1-5 (5=extremely likely): 2
• I hugged Rob. Likelihood that we were both totally sober when this happened, on a scale of 1-5 (5=extremely likely): 2
• Unlike last year’s party at Dina’s, I did not spit on my friends. Likelihood that I remember this incorrectly, and did indeed spit on my friends, possibly even more than I did last year, on a scale of 1-5 (5=extremely likely): 5
• Wendy’s daughter’s only word is “drink.” Likelihood that this is hilariously true, on a scale of 1-5 (5=extremely likely): 5
• Friday morning I woke to find my house surprisingly still clean, and we invited friends over for a poker party that evening. Likelihood that this was an excuse to drink more of that whipped cream vodka, on a scale of 1-5 (5=extremely likely): 5
• Hurtful insults were thrown about. Likelihood that most of them came from me or Val, on a scale of 1-5 (5=extremely likely): 4
• I won a large-ish pot with a pair of twos. Likelihood that this made Fancy Lori™ mad, on a scale of 1-5 (5=extremely likely): 4
• Fancy Lori™ played scales on my grade school flute. Likelihood that she’s really good with the low notes, on a scale of 1-5 (5=extremely likely): 5
• Anthony played our ukulele that we’ve never tuned. Likelihood that I said “DUH!” when he said it was “totally out of tune,” on a scale of 1-5 (5=extremely likely): 4
• Anthony played my grade school flute. Likelihood that this actually sounded good, on a scale of 1-5 (5=extremely likely): 1
• Fancy Lori™ is going to be Funner Lori™ from now on. Likelihood that this will happen, if you ask me and Val, on a scale of 1-5 (5=extremely likely): 3 (we forget stuff easily)
• I slept very, very late on Saturday morning. Likelihood that I totally needed this, on a scale of 1-5 (5=extremely likely): 5
• Victor and I cleaned the garage. Likelihood that we spent all of Saturday and most of Sunday tackling this long-overdue task, on a scale of 1-5 (5=extremely likely): 5
• You could eat off the floor of our garage. Likelihood that I recommend this, on a scale of 1-5 (5=extremely likely): 1
• We filled the van with donations and six garbage bags with trash. There’s another pile that will end up at the dump. This hard work has cleared up enough room in our garage that we could fit a vehicle in there, if we so choose. I have many storage boxes to go through before I feel like we’ve really pared down our belongings. Likelihood that this was still a tremendous and much-needed de-cluttering, on a scale of 1-5 (5=extremely likely): 5
• There is a beat-up old freezer on our front porch. Likelihood that there have been worse things there before (like a toilet!), on a scale of 1-5 (5=extremely likely): 4
• Tomorrow you will hear me and Victor complaining about sore muscles from all our hard work this weekend. Likelihood that listening to us will drive you crazy, on a scale of 1-5 (5=extremely likely): BITE ME.