July 12: Critter hater

I love animals. They’re cute. They’re cuddly. They’re sweet. They’re all those things people always say about animals. In my lifetime I’ve had dogs, cats, hamsters and even a chick as pets. They’ve always been part of the family. Even L.C., my bitchy cat that moved to Dad’s, is, to me, a sweet girl.

My sister says she loves animals too. I’m not really sure. Y’see, she’s got a history of slaughtering them, or as she always corrects me, “putting them out of their misery.” She thinks she’s doing the right thing. But if they end up dead, does anyone really win?

One time she attacked her kid’s pet tarantula with a shovel. Boy, did the hairy legs fly! Humane thing to do, my butt. (‘Course, I kinda have to side with the murderer on this one, as I don’t know why anyone would keep a spider as a pet. Not a fan o’ the creepy crawlies.)

And another time she ran over a bunny repeatedly and ON PURPOSE. She missed it the first time, so she backed up and tried again. Poor panicked bunny rabbit, probably dropped more than a few pellets each time the tires came oh-so-close. Probably died of a heart attack before the ultimate flattening actually occurred. Bunny’s wife and kids were probably watching from behind a yucca plant at the side of the road.

“Mama, why is that crazy monster lady with the glowing eyes and sharp teeth scaring Daddy? And why is that boy standing in the road yelling, ‘Missed again, Mom…’ over and over? Why isn’t he helping Daddy?”

… SQUISH.

.
.
.

“Never mind, Mama…”

Whenever I think about these two events—and they’re the only two I know about, but there are probably pa-lenty more she hasn’t admitted (people that intentionally smash animals tend to be liars too)—I have to ask myself why I think my sister is so neat-o. Because neat-o people do not kill living creatures (except non-pet spiders and earwigs). Neat-o people don’t make excuses for their fits of insane rage. Neat-o people seek help.

Kath, please seek help.

And somebody needs to warn Shelby and Molly. It’s just a matter of time before the crazy monster lady with glowing eyes and sharp teeth strikes again.

Watch your step, critters…

--Jen
P.S. Rumor’s that she’s tried this extermination thing with her kids’ friends too. Hold them close, people. Hold them close.