stuff jen says: Oct. 3: Nekkid yardwork is insane

Listen, I'm a patient, reasonable, gorgeous woman, but this just isn't working for me. In the past few days our local news has been reporting about some guy in Happy Valley that likes to do his gardening in the nude. Neighbors have complained. Is it any surprise? The guy looks like David Crosby. Nudists/naturists never look like Taye Diggs or Eva Longoria. If they did, I don't think people would complain so much. Also, nudism would be a spectator sport with cheerleaders and trading cards. And ESPN would be a lot more popular.

But my point is not that this guy's a goblin. It's actually this: if you choose to work in your yard naked, you are nothing short of an idiot. Let me count the ways:

thorns
weed-whackers
bees
rakes
sunburn
angry neighbors with archery skills

Now this guy's showing up all over the news talking about how he means no harm but he has the right to "thrill his soul" in the outdoors if he so chooses. I'm not arguing with whatever his reasoning is; I just think it's a dangerous sport. Sunbathe, sleep, whatever else... but garden?

Also, the guy's a goblin.

Happy Valley, a perfectly nice little burg, skanked itself up when it recently expanded its boundaries to include Clackamas Town Center. This is not helping.

facts of jen's life

So, who do you think you are? I think I’m Jen. People who don’t know me sometimes call me Jenny. That’s weird.

Tell me about yourself. I was born a small black child, and am now a grown-up, or at least my kids think I am. I’m in my mid-40s and live in the ‘burbs of Portland, Oregon. My husband is Victor, and my kids are Katie and Jack. Read this if you want the real and very long scoop.

Tell me things people might not know about you. I am an ordained minister and can perform marriages. Why no one has asked me to do this for them yet, I do not know. ● At the request of my Disney-hating friend Ed, I got mouse ears embroidered with the name “Satan” and I didn’t even get kicked out of Disneyland. It’s quite possibly the ballsiest thing I’ve ever done. ● I “helped” write this book, published in 2012: You Take it From Here, by Pamela Ribon. My name is in the back, and I’m still geeking out about it. ● I recorded a song in a studio in 1994 and it got local radio play for a few months. At least two times I turned on the radio in the car and my song was playing at that moment—very cool. ● I nearly died from a zit in 1986. I am not making this up. ● Victor and I once appeared on The Tonight Show. Really. If you can find a VCR, I’ll show you the tape.

I read some of your posts and I think you might be an alcoholic. I drink way less than I write about drinking. If I ever STOP talking about booze, then it’ll be time for an intervention.

What do you love? Books. Coffee. Fonts. Broadway musicals. San Francisco. Bacon. Rum. Law & Order. Naps. Butter. Home. Crack cocaine. iDevices. Words. Disney vacations. You.

If you could punch anything or anyone in the face, what/who would it be? Cancer. I was diagnosed with lymphoma in November 2009. I kicked its big fat ugly ass and am in remission now. ● Comic Sans. ● People who won’t take responsibility for their problems—the “I didn’t do anything to deserve this!” attitude. Look in the mirror. That’s who to blame. ● Celebrities who are famous for no reason. Y’know, if we stop looking, they’ll go away... ● Bad grammar and spelling and the dummies who use it.

You seem bitter. Did someone piss in your Cheerios? I’m not bitter. I think unicorns-and-rainbows stuff isn’t very interesting to read, so I tend not to write that way. But also, now you’re being kind of a jackhole.

It seems like no one ever comments on your blog posts. Why is that? Most people comment on the Facebook links. I don’t know why.

What if I want to tell you something? Two ways to reach me: leave a comment on a post, or e-mail me at jenniferTAKETHISPARTOUTmanullang at gmail-dot-com.

Oct. 3: Nekkid yardwork is insane

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