Raise your hands: who thought being on a two-person planning committee for my 25th high school reunion was a good idea? Really, no one? Yeah, me neither. I’m not-so-slowly losing my marbles, which is the diplomatic and non-profane way to say what is actually happening inside my noggin right now.
As class historian, Lisa Ross Nicholson has reunion planning on her shoulders for the rest of her life. Please remind me four years from now to find a really good reason not to be friends with her.
What bums me out even more than the frustration of the actual planning is that no matter how much fun our reunion promises to be, Mike Devitt isn’t coming. He seems to think floor seats to an Elton John concert are more important than reuniting with his classmates of yore. Mike is a jerk. Elton doesn’t love him! Lisa and I are thinking about not loving him anymore either.
But it gets better! Mike is coming to Portland a few weeks later so he can attend The Royal Wedding on April 29. (Note: in my world, The Royal Wedding is the wedding of Miss Kimberly F’n to her Prince Flatulence.) Yes, Mike will come all the way over the river and through the woods for a wedding THAT HE’S NOT EVEN IN, but he won’t come for the reunion of the class in which he was once president or something actually I don’t think he was ever president but maybe he was I don’t know or care all I know is he’s not coming and I can’t stop crying.
(That sentence was totally for Val.)
(Also, I can *too* stop crying, but don’t tell Mike. I think this guilt trip might be working.)
OK, so Mike emails me to ask if he and Angie can hitch a ride to Willamette Valley Vineyards with us because they’re staying in Portland. At first (once I got done sobbing about him coming to the wedding but not the reunion) I thought that’d be fun, hangin’ with him and Angie for at least an hour to and from The Royal Wedding, so I told him that YES, he could go with us. And then I thought, WAIT. What about Val and Sunshine and their Chrisssses? How are they getting to the wedding? Maybe we should rent a bus? Or a limo? Or a cargo van with a mattress in the back?
And then I thought, WAIT. (Yes, I thought that again.) Sunshine and Val and their Chrisssses did not know me in high school. That means they do not know what a dork I was in high school. Mike knew me in high school. He might remember what a dork I was in high school. Even if we don’t all arrive at the wedding together in a cargo van with a mattress in the back, we’ll all be at the wedding.
WORLDS ARE COLLIDING!
Do you hear me?
The Jen you know, the Jen you love (kinda) , Jen with Friends is going to cease to exist!
Suddenly I don’t think this wedding is such a good idea. I mean, have Kim and Prince F done thorough marriage counseling? Do they know for sure they aren’t cousins? What if their kids turn out, y’know, weird? What if he’s secretly a Beavers fan? Is she taller than him? What if he doesn’t actually know how to fly a plane even though he flies a plane sometimes? Does he ride a pink bike? What if he disapproves of Facebooking While Driving™? What if he wants her to shave her legs occasionally? OMG, what if he looks like Dennis Quaid???
Kim, call me. I’m super worried…
(…about me being very embarrassed on April 29.)