Apr. 30: Month in review

April 2014 is over. I haven’t done one of these month-end things in a while, but I sooo want to bid this month GOOD RIDDANCE that it seems appropriate to resume the semi-habit today.

Special days I celebrated this month and how:

• Ummmmm… can’t think of a one. I mean, some good things that happened this month, sure. No actual celebrations, though.
• Sherilee swung/swang/swinged/swunged through town while touring college campuses with her son. We met up for breakfast and had a lovely visit, as we always do. I’m crossing my fingers that Seth chooses Lewis & Clark so she swings through town even MORE often!
• I had a court date for My First Speeding Ticket Issued From a Person, Not a Camera. I know, I know… it’s not so shocking that I got stopped for speeding, but that it had never happened before. The whole thing was unremarkable, as I shared in my Facebook status immediately after. Boo.

• Spring is here, finally; we had some really beautiful days this month—this week the temps are hitting the mid-80s. The sunshine is a lovely thing to see.

I saw things with my eyes:

• Lots of good stuff on TV these days… And OH so much trash! Chrisley Knows Best, I’m talking ‘bout you.
• I’ve watched (listened to) Frozen on repeat most the month. You know those annoying people who recite movies word for word, beginning to end? It physically hurts me not to do it. Ye be warned.
• Katie has now been introduced to The Breakfast Club. She knew about the movie from its references in Pitch Perfect and had been asking if she could watch it. Like an idiot, I forgot to consider all the reasons it’s rated R. Oops. (How does that saying go? Something about “great parenting falls somewhere between ‘don’t do that’ and ‘oh, what the hell.’”) I think what Katie enjoyed most about it was recognizing four of the five stars from their episodes of Psych.

This month’s good and bad:

There’s really only one thing to talk about here: Theresa’s husband lost his cancer fight on April 10. I rambled a bit about it here. It’s hard to write about for many reasons, but mostly because I want to be respectful to Scott’s family’s grief. I’m intensely angry and so, so sad.

There aren’t enough four letter words for cancer. It’s time to invent new ones. I bet Val could help me with that. :)

I likes to share the silly stuff:

I want to close on a less bummer-y note, so here are pictures I’ve been collecting.

 

 

 

Time to move forward. May will be good, right? 

Dec. 13: In which Jen bitches a whole bunch

Before I get to the funny pics, I need to vent. It’s my blog, so I have the right to do it and I’m gonna. So pfffftt.  Note: I removed a section of this post, for several reasons. I’m sorry.

1. On Tuesday there was a random shooting at Clackamas Town Center. This is scary for tons of reasons, but for us, Clackamas Town Center is the mall we shop at most often—it’s LITERALLY too close to home.
   
   I’ve always joked that of the three largest malls in the Portland area, the worst crimes shoppers might face would be…
   1. Lloyd Center: gunfight or gang activity
   2. Clackamas: fist fights or gettin’ beaned by empty PBR cans
   3. Washington Square: whapped by a Coach purse in a random swinging
2. Turns out I was wrong, and that makes me mad.
3. I know we’re supposed to focus our thoughts on the heroes of the event—the positive things that happened during this tragedy, the ways people showed kindness to strangers—and all the ways it could have been so much worse, but what I think more than anything is that people are assholes. The shooter’s aforethought (stealing the gun, getting dressed in camo clothes and a hockey mask, planning for a crowded mall, etc.), not caring at all that it would affect thousands of people for the rest of their lives… only an asshole would commit a crime like that. Maybe an insane asshole, but definitely an asshole. Also a coward, who shoots himself at the end.
4. BUT WAIT, THERE’S MORE. There was recently another tragedy in our area in which a father woke his kids up in the middle of the night and shot himself in front of them. How do witnesses ever recover from something like that? I don’t think they do. Yep, all signs point to ASSHOLE.
5. GUNS. Say what you will for or against gun control; I don’t care. I just hate guns. I hate them, hate them, hate them.
6. I’m not done venting! (Does that make you mad???)
7. WHO MAKES THESE DECISIONS? Clackamas Town Center used to be in Clackamas, but now it’s in Happy Valley. Clackamas is not actually a city. There’s a county called “Clackamas,” and Clackamas is a region that makes it on the news when, say, Tonya Harding does yet another stupid thing, or when there’s a mall shooting, but that’s it. Wikipedia says Clackamas is a “census-designated place” (well, that clears it right the eff up!). On the other hand, Happy Valley, which is all around Clackamas, is a city. Happy Valley has changed its boundaries about eleventy times since we moved here in 1997, and I honestly don’t even know where we live anymore. There are signs in three different places on the way into my neighborhood that say “Welcome to Happy Valley,” but technically we are still in Clackamas. Why doesn’t stuff make more sense?

And now I shall share the silly stuff I’ve been saving up for y’all.

 

Mother Maaaaary:

 

 

Y’know how the past few election losers have quietly disappeared
for a while, not giving all sorts of reasons/excuses the other guy won?
I respected Dole, Gore, Kerry, and McCain for their post-election behavior.
Romney, take a cue and shut the holes in your perfectly-coiffed head.

 

Redneck advent calendar

 

 

Nov. 18: Back in my day…

Jack and I were leaving the grocery store this afternoon when he asked, “Did you ever think you committed a crime?”

Me: “What?”

Jack: “Did you ever think you committed a crime?”

(Thanks, that totally clarifies your question.)

Me: “What do you mean? Did I ever accidentally commit a crime?”

Jack: “Yes.”

Me: “No. Well, I walked out of a store without paying for something, but as soon as I realized it I went back in and paid.”

(Jack seems fascinated by this and is quiet for a moment—his expression says he’s picturing women’s prison visiting day and me running a tin cup back and forth across the bars of my cell while I wait for him to arrive with a file-cake.)

Jack: “Didn’t the alarm go off?”

Me: “No, it wasn’t that kind of a store.”

Jack: “What do you mean?”

Me: “Not all stores have alarms if you walk out with stuff.”

Jack: “So the alarm didn’t go off when you stole something?”

Me, possibly shrieking: “I didn’t steal anything! I walked out with it ACCIDENTALLY. I went back and paid for it.”

Jack: “Did the alarm not go off because there wasn’t electricity back then?”

---

And we’re not supposed to strangle our kids when they say stuff like that? Not even a little bit?

Dec. 11: Christmas shopping

I haven’t ventured out much beyond our neighborhood this week. This is partly because it’s so friggin’ freezin’ around here and frozen nose hairs always make me think I’ve got booger issues that need immediate attention, and I can’t find a mirror and a Kleenex fast enough. It’s also because I’ve kinda forced myself to stay home. I started getting freaked out at the idea of my compromised immune system and decided I shouldn’t go out in public unless absolutely necessary. Makes sense, right? No one’s ever called ME a dummy. Well, actually, I’m pretty sure people have. Not nice, people. NOT. NICE.

This time of year, though, it’s hard to sit at home knowing all the shopping that needs to be done. I’ve tried to do as much online as I can, which I do every year, and thus far have been fairly successful. But it’s getting into expedited shipping territory time-wise, and I’m not even close to being finished with my shopping. Stoopid big family. I mean, I LOVE MY FAMILY, ALL OF THEM.

There have also been some unexpected expenses, like medications and ridiculously pricey meal-replacement drinks and more medications and wigs. When the kids come downstairs on Christmas morning and see nothing under the tree, I doubt they’ll be satisfied with “Sorry, kids, there’s no Christmas this year because Mommy needed itchy hair.”

Another unexpected expense? A fraudulent charge on my check card I noticed yesterday. Someone I don’t know is getting a new camera for Christmas and apparently I’m very generously paying for it. Oh, I know the bank will take care of it and ultimately reverse the charges… in six weeks. Until then, they’ve frozen that amount in my account and cancelled my card. This is not a very convenient time of year for one to be without access to one’s $$. Do stores even take checks anymore?

Alright, enough complaining. The real reason I’m posting this morning is to share this little gem I caught on Amazon last night:

Yes, I know they put that Kindle badge on every book page, but for this particular book, I thought it was chuckle-worthy.

Also, I think I want a Kindle and some NON-pop-up books for it. Santa?

Aug. 6: This little piggy

There’s been some concern in the local news lately over some guy in the Clackamas Target store who tries to get women to try on shoes for him. Like in a creepy way. Like in a way so creepy that they actually reported him to security, because as he slipped the shoes on their feet he would moan and rub their legs. See? Creepy.

I’m not going to judge someone for having a foot fetish. I think feet are pretty disgusting so to me, a foot fetish is weird, but whatever floats yer boat, dude. However, you start acting out on it with unsuspecting strangers, violating their personal space and who knows what else, well… that, sir, makes you a big freak. And a criminal. And I don’t want you in my Target, okay?

There have also been reports of recent similar foot-related activity in the Medford Target store.

You know who’s been to both of those stores in the past few months? My husband. And because I’m frequently convinced he lives a totally secret life outside of his life with me, I started to suspect him of being the Target guy. I thought it might be helpful to test him, so I began to walk around in bare feet, just to see what he would do. And dammit, I got a lot of slivers. (‘Member, we have all that new barkdust in the yard?) That was sooo not worth it. So then I started to wear shoes everywhere, and I made sure that he noticed them. Sometimes that meant I had to stick my feet in his face, and he did not seem to enjoy that, not even a tiny bit. I would polish my toenails right in front of him and he acted totally unimpressed, almost like he didn’t even notice what I was doing.

There’s really only so much a girl can do with her feet to test a guy before she gets bored. Instead of continuing my scientific investigation, I just decided I was 94 percent sure that Vic wasn’t the Target guy, and I moved on to suspecting him of other weirdness.

Imagine my relief when the really-and-for-true Target guy was arrested in Clackamas County yesterday. And it wasn’t my husband, nor was it anyone I know. Whew.

Now I can get back to trying to figure out who’s using our fountain as a bidet.

Jul. 1: Moral(ish) dilemma

Our aquarium pump stopped working. Between that and the lack of plecostomus, our aquarium has turned a not very lovely shade of green. Witness:

We currently have three 12-cent goldfish in the tank, all perfectly healthy but probably not very happy. What we need to do is replace the aquarium pump and get a super-hungry pleco. What we’d like to do is empty the aquarium and throw it away. I don’t want to invest any more $$ into the tank—we’ve had it for a few years—and we have bad luck with non-goldfish varieties so it’s not like setting it up as a saltwater tank will make us all think it’s super-cool again. We (me and Victor) just plain don’t want it anymore.

Therein lies the dilemma: What do you do with aquarium fish you no longer want?

1. Should we flush the live fish? Are we horrible people for even considering it?
2. Should we eat the fish? Maybe fry ‘em up with some taters?
3. Should we let them die a slow, algae’d-up gills death? Is this more humane than flushing them live?

Any and all advice will be read and considered, unless it contains words that make us seem like we’re evil.

Jun. 27: Not *this* victim

Not to make light of this news item, but I feel I should clarify that the unidentified stabbing victim in the story was not Jennifer Manullang. Remember, I don’t need anyone’s help getting stabbed.

But even more importantly, isn’t this scary? That stuff like this happens in the ‘burbs? Specifically, my ‘burbs?

Stabbing victim found wandering Clackamas parking lot, bleeding

At-large suspect may be 'armed and dangerous'

04:43 PM PDT on Saturday, June 27, 2009

By BILL GALLAGHER, Kgw.com Staff

CLACKAMAS, Ore. -- A late-night stabbing in Clackamas left one man in critical condition with multiple wounds, a suspect on the loose and a blood-smeared parking lot in the shadow of Interstate 205, according to sheriff’s deputies.

Clackamas County Sheriff's deputies got the call about 11 last night from 8868 SE Jannsen Road. They discovered a 35-year old man who'd been stabbed. 

The man had been wandering around the parking area, bleeding profusely, said Detective Jim Strovinck, a spokesperson for Clackamas Sheriff’s Office.

Ambulance crews stabilized the stabbing victim and transported him to OHSU in Portland.

He was conscious and breathing but listed in critical condition Saturday afternoon, Strovinck said.

A suspect in the stabbing was identified as Casey James Hatch, 30.

Hatch was wanted on first-degree assault charges and should be considered armed and dangerous, sheriff’s deputies said.

The stabbing victim was not immediately identified.

May 26: Plinky ~ criminals

At first I thought today’s Plinky prompt was an easy one, but then I realized how hard it was going to be to narrow down my answer. It’s like a question about my favorite ice cream flavor; they’re all pretty good, but which one really is best? Don’t make me choose!

What activity or behavior should be a crime?

Explain why this activity shouldn't be tolerated, and describe a fitting punishment.

My first task here was to think of something that isn’t already a crime, because, y’know, I think killing people isn’t such a nice thing... so I tried to think of some of my biggest pet peeves that are not currently considered criminal EVEN THOUGH THEY SHOULD BE. They are:

• misspellings and poor punctuation
• people that talk to me too early in the morning
• chatspeak/LOLspeak in normal, outside-of-texting writing
• excessive jewelry on men (“excessive” meaning “almost anything other than a wedding band”)
• inconsiderate drivers (merging on the freeway at 35mph, not signaling, driving in the fast lane so cars have to pass you on the right, doing anything other than driving that keeps you from paying attention to the road, etc.)
• using God as an excuse for your prejudices
• monkeys

And I can only pick one? Fine. I choose the inconsiderate driving thing.

The only fitting punishment: “You are sentenced to six years’ of public transportation, and not the good, efficient kind that gets you anywhere in the city within a half hour. You have to ride the shitty suburban buses that take 12 times longer than they should to get out of the suburbs. And you have to sit by the person who has boobs and a beard, so you’re not really sure if it’s a man or a woman, but you can tell by its odor that it eats a lot of lentils and lives with at least 43 ferrets.”

What’s your answer to this Plinky prompt?

Apr. 6: Monday meme

This morning’s meme was stolen from the delightful Jen E at Momma Blogs A Lot, who stole it from someone else, who probably stole it from someone else. Is there anything original on the ‘net these days? I doubt it. To play along, just answer the questions below…

• How has the economic downturn affected your spending? Please share with us the lessons you’ve learned from this economic downturn. Tell us about one positive experience that has happened to you as a result of this economic disaster.
  We aren’t traveling as much as we normally do. I think that’s the most noticeable change we’ve had to make. Because of that, we try to find ways to entertain ourselves without leaving town. The lesson we’ve learned is that we spend too much (like we didn’t already know that). The positive thing that’s come of it, I suppose, is that Victor and I have made our Broadway in Portland season tickets a priority. It’s been tempting to cut that cost but we both feel like an evening without the kids once in a while is important. The season tickets are sort of like having someone else schedule six date nights for us throughout the year.
• What is your opinion on the death penalty? Let’s say the person is a serial killer and has admitted his/her guilt, and it is your job to sentence that person. Could you give that person the death penalty? Why or why not?
  I have quite liberal political views, but I make an exception for the death penalty because I feel that if you intentionally and violently take another person’s life, you give up all rights to your own. I suppose if I were the person handing down the sentence or flipping the switch, I might feel more guilt about it, but as a regular ol’ person, I’m very black-and-white about this issue.
• List five things you want your children (or your nieces/nephews if you don’t have children) to know before they grow up.
  1. If you have dreams, you should pursue them. Don’t believe someone who tells you “you can’t do that.”
  2. If you want to be treated well, don’t be a jackass. The Golden Rule is a pretty good one.
  3. Make finishing your college education a priority, if for no other reason than to be able to say you accomplished something. Education changes you in important ways if you let it; among other things, it teaches you critical thinking and gives you a broader world view. You will benefit from having those things.
  4. I will love you always, no matter what or who you are—though I’d prefer you not choose “serial killer” as your career goal (see the question above)
  5. Be convicted about your beliefs. Decide for yourself what is right for you, and be able to explain why. Don’t follow the popular opinion if it’s not what you believe in your heart to be right.
• You are given the power to kill people simply by thinking of their deaths and twice repeating the word “goodbye.” People would die a natural death and no one would suspect you. Are there any situations in which you would use this power?
  Only when it’s well-deserved, such as someone cutting me off in traffic or using improper punctuation. You know—important things.

Feb. 4: What time is it?

I do believe it’s hammer time. Here’s a headline from kgw.com:

Jail for man who tried to kill dog with hammer

Um, is jail time really the best punishment for this crime? Seems like maybe they went easy on the guy because he’s ancient and an idiot. It would make more sense to me if he got a few head bonks with a hammer (y’know, to put him out of *my* misery). And for extra kicks and giggles, they could film it and then add crazy BOING! sounds. That would be awesome.

Get out your violin: Long apologized to the judge Tuesday and said he didn't intend to hurt anyone. “I'd like to stay with my wife, I'd sooner pay a fine … than go to jail,” he said. Long will also not be allowed to own any pets or animals.

Oct. 28: Very bad people

Whew. I’m feeling so much better now that my headache is gone. The best part is that now I can return to being a critical self-righteous beeyotch. Life is good.

You might remember that I find great amusement in Republicans getting caught (literally) with their pants down. I don’t reserve that joy just for the G.O.P.; it’s for anyone who claims to have all the answers and is then found doing exactly what they preach so viciously against. The most outspoken of these criminals—often Republicans—tend to have the most to be ashamed of.

That’s a lot of words to introduce a very simple—and disturbing—list. Armchair Subversive reveals hypocrisy of the most vile. I’m with my friend Sheila on how this kind of criminal should be punished: “Take anyone who ever hurt a child and do the following: 1. Do to each person all of the things that they did to hurt a child, [and] 2. Execute them in the most painful way possible.”

(Yes, I know liberals are not supposed to favor capital punishment. It’s one of my libertarian leanings. I will not apologize.)

July 3: It's all who you know

Well, everything I read in the news lately about that evil president of our otherwise fine country just confirms my suspicions that he sits in his big chair and plays GameBoy all day. Yesterday it was announced that GWB commuted the jail sentence of Lewis "Scooter" Libby, whining that it was "too harsh." Sounds eerily similar to what Paris Hilton was boo-hooing about a few weeks ago.

Here were some of my favorite quotes on this story:

...even with Bush's decision, Libby has a felony conviction on his record, two years probation, a $250,000 fine and probable loss of his legal career.

Yeah, I'm sure the guy's so poor he's headed right over to the soup kitchen. Geez. You know he won't have trouble getting a job. Even if he did, there's always the inevitable book deal. But what happened to the "you do the crime, you do the time"??? This has nothing to do with the crime committed, and never did.

With prison seeming all but certain for Libby, Bush on Monday suddenly spared Vice President Dick Cheney's former chief of staff. His move came just five hours after a federal appeals court panel ruled that Libby could not delay his prison term. The Bureau of Prisons had already assigned Libby a prison identification number.

Whew. There was a stressful five hours. Betcha Scooter was awful worried.

Democrats have charged cronyism in Bush's sparing Libby jail time. But Snow said, "The president does not look upon this as granting a favor to anyone, and to do that is to misconstrue the nature of the deliberations. He spent a lot of time trying to figure out how to maintain the faith in the jury system, and he did that by keeping intact the conviction and some of the punishments," Snow said.

How did Tony Snow not burst out laughing when he answered that??? Because I think I snorted pizza right out my nose when I read it.

...the president made the decision without seeking any advice from the Office of the Pardon Attorney at the Justice Department, the White House had previously said.

He didn't seek advice on the decision? I'm shocked!

[Tony] Snow defended Bush's decision to not follow the usual course of running the matter past the Justice Department, saying details of the case were still fresh in everybody's mind, and that the president did not need to be brought up to date on details.

Details, shmetails. God forbid you interrupt him with anything important. Besides, I'm sure he was totally paying attention throughout the entire process and a briefing was totally not necessary.

Pressed on whether someone in the administration owed the American public an apology, Snow said, "I'll apologize. Done."

This is what I appreciate so much about our current administration. Their sincerity. They're all so NOT dismissive when it comes to public opinion.

And, finally, I'll close with this understatement from Nancy Pelosi. "Bush's decision showed the president 'condones criminal conduct.'"

My heart rate is still up, but I feel a little better having spewed some of this. Anything you'd like to add, Lori?

--Jen