Jul. 14: Ice ice baby

I’m icing my knee right now. I tripped over a chair this evening and fell. There are three huge purple lumps on the side of my leg and it hurts a LOT. Oh, and I have to walk about 926 miles this weekend. Good timing, huh?

This is just one more time I’ve injured myself before something important.

1. In 2001, I was a week away from my first trip to Europe when I broke my foot. I was also five months pregnant. These two things allowed us to board every flight early, so it wasn’t the worst.
2. A couple years ago I fell in the garage and landed on my chin. When I opened my eyes and saw a bunch of little white things in front of me, my first thought was that I broke all my teeth. My second thought was that I wouldn’t be able to go to the David Sedaris reading that night. My third thought was that those white things were fertilizer bits and maybe our garage needs to be swept better. I made it to David Sedaris—I know you were worried.
3. Two weeks after the chin thing, I fell again, but this time I caught my eyelid on the armoire latch on the way down. Hi-laaaarious, right? I was on some powerful drugs and one side of my forehead was still swollen, but I made it to Rent two days later anyway.

It sucks to hurt oneself before one is expected to be physically active and/or seen in public. But if one is hurt while doing something of which one can be proud, one would not be quite so embarrassed to tell one’s true account of how one was hurt.

(Speaking of hurt… it hurts to write all that “one” stuff. No more.)

I don’t get hurt playing sports because I avoid playing sports. Not once have I hurt myself saving puppies from a backyard well. I’ve rarely been injured chasing angry honey badgers out of school carnivals. I’ve never been called to rescue wheelchair-bound children from a burning orphanage, but if I ever am, there’s no doubt I’ll get out alive and well.

My most serious injuries have all happened inside my home.

The only thing that makes sense is that my husband is trying to kill me but he totally sucks at it.

Jul. 14: Relay for Life is almost here!

If you’re not on my Relay for Life team, you have my permission to ignore this post. My blog is just the easiest way to get all this info to my teammates.

Date/time: Saturday, July 16 10:00 a.m. through Sunday, July 17 10:00 a.m.
Location: Clackamas High School. Look for the bleachers and you’ll find us.

When you arrive:

• The best place to park will be behind the school. The front parking lot is far from the field and will be occupied by the car show for most of Saturday.
• You can get your T-shirts from me whenever you get there on Saturday. They’re white, if you’re wanting to be matchy-matchy with your other clothes. Which reminds me, please wear something in addition to the T-shirt. I don’t want us to be THAT PANTSLESS TEAM. We may be Hoes, but we’re still a civilized folk.
• If you have a kid that isn’t an official team member, you can register them on-site and may be able to get them a shirt. I did this for Jack last year and it cost nothing; however, they will run out of shirts eventually—especially youth sizes, since they don’t order as many—so consider it pretty much first-come, first-serve.
• Lunch will be provided by Baja Fresh and dinner is coming from Papa Murphy’s Pizza. You’ll be fed if you have a wristband, and you’ll have a wristband if you’re a registered team member. Everyone else can eat once wristbanded people have been through line. In other words, you’re not guaranteed food if you’re not registered. We’ll have food at our team camp site (more on that below), so we promise you won’t starve. I’ll have your wristbands with your T-shirts.
• As we are the top fundraising team (thank you, Mark-Antonio Grant!), we got first pick of camp site. I chose a corner because it’s a bigger space, and we’ll need it, what with the bar and poker tables and Jell-o wrestling ring and bar and mini-nudist colony and bar and passed-out visitors at the bar at our camp site.

Schedule

This is the tentative schedule for North Clackamas Relay.

Bands

	1:00p	Joey McCollum
	3:00p	Mean Satisfaction
	7:00p	FOG

Team Activities

	9:00a to 2:00p	Car Show, school front parking lot
	11:00a	Line Dancing, Center Stage with Paul
	11:30	Roping Demonstration with Bill Miller, center field
	12:00p	Jazzercise, hosted by Team Jazzeroos, Center Stage
	12:30p	Puppet Show, Lil Dude Ranch
	1:30p	Poker Lap, Center Stage
	2:00p	Chili Cook Off, hosted by Yippie Ki Yay, below stands
	2:30p	Car Show Awards, Center Stage
	2:45p	Watermelon Eating Contest, center field
	3:00p	Balloon Launcher, hosted by Team Cowbell Posse, center field
	4:30p	Sumo Wrestling, hosted by Team State Farm, center field
	5:00p	Miss Rodeo Queen Pageant, winner announced at 6:30, Center Stage
	7:45p	Jousting Tournament, center field
	12:00a	Movies at Midnight, center field
	12:00a	Texas Hold ‘Em, hosted by Hittmann Entertainment
	3:00a	Glow Lap
	7:30a	Doughnut Relay, start Center Stage

Ceremonies

	10:00a Saturday	Opening Ceremonies
	9:30p	Birthday Celebration
	10:30p	Luminaria
	10:00a Sunday	Closing Ceremonies, Team Awards

Other Activities

	12:00p to 6:00p	Lil Dude Ranch KID ZONE- Games, Bounce House, crafts for kids
	Throughout the day	Center Field - Sheet Volleyball, Giant Soccer, Badminton, Redneck Horseshoes, Glow Darts

Food

	Team Set Up (Saturday morning)	Coffee hosted by Starbucks
	Lunch 12:00p	Donated by Clackamas Baja Fresh
	Dinner 5:00p	Donated by Papa Murphy’s Pizza, Clackamas
	Breakfast (Sunday morning) 8:00a	Donated by Kaiser Permanente
	All Day	Hot dogs and Hamburgers- Hosted by Team Campfire

Hoe-Downs stuff

• I have cowboy hats for each of you, as well as for the kids until we run out. If you already have a cowboy hat, please wear it—and please let me know if you have your own hat, so I don’t save one for you. Color choices: dark green, dark pink, dark red, and a weird mustardy color. They’re from Oriental Trading Co., so if you’re expecting quality, you’ll be disappointed.
• Vic got lime green ribbon if you want to put one on your hat. Lime green is the awareness ribbon for lymphoma; put other colors on if you’d like. Not sure what colors you need? Check out this list. I’ll try to have some of those other colors. I got some thick lime green ribbon to put around the brim of my hat, but that’s girly and Vic opted for a simple awareness ribbon instead. You really don’t have to do anything, but the hats are booooring.
• If you’ve got western wear, wear it! I do not recommend running laps in cowboy boots, but y’all can do whatever you want.
• We’re supposed to decorate our site a little, and I’m making a sign that announces to the world Clackamas cancer haters that we are The Hoe-Downs. I will also have name tags for our shirts. (Is it inappropriate that they say “I’m a Hoe!”? Maybe.) Anyway, if you have any other western things, please bring them. I got a little horse—I thought it was more like a hippity hop ball than a chair, but whatever… it’ll make for a cute decoration. Lori’s bringing streamers in lime green and purple (purple is the official Relay color), and balloons. We shall be festive, oh yes.
• As I mentioned in my last email, we’re hoping to get two or three hippity hop balls to host races as a mini-fundraiser. I’m crossing my fingers that someone will have some we can borrow, since it’s too late to order them. I cannot believe they’ve been impossible to find in stores!
• I registered our team for the Donut Relay. I think we need four people. We’re not registered for any other events, but (except for the car show and chili cook-off) you can register on-site.
• There are lots of holes in our walking schedule, and many people have said they’ll fill in where they’re needed. When you get there Saturday, just check the schedule (it’ll be at our camp site) and put your name in wherever you want. I have no worries we’ll get our shifts filled.
• One walker for every shift will wear our team bib. We have some shifts where there will be more than one team member walking, so I guess those team members can fight over who gets to wear the bib. Can we sell tickets to watch those fights?
• If you haven’t created luminaria bags yet, it’s not too late to do them Saturday. I think the deadline is around 9pm, which is just to make sure they have time to get everything to fit around the track.
  

Taking care of us

• We’re putting up our gazebo Saturday morning. It’ll either offer us some shade or act as a giant umbrella.
• Fancy Lori is bein’ all fancy and bringing a little propane camp stove for us to cook hot dogs. We can even “roast” marshmallows for s’mores. If you want to contribute to food but aren’t sure what to bring, text or email me.
• Tina, Sunshine and I are bringing coolers and ice.
• Lori’s bringing a big jug of drinking water. You should bring a water bottle for yourself.
• I’m bringing a card table.
• Everyone should bring camp chairs. Fancy Lori has a recliner one and I am TOTALLY pulling the cancer card to make it mine because none of our chairs are that fancy.
• Organizers suggest flashlights. For the most part, the track and surroundings are lit up well, but you might toss one in your bag.
• I got insect repellent and sunscreen, which we will totally need. <cough>
• Umbrellas? I sure hope we don’t need them, but the forecast gets worse every time I check it. Right now it says 70° and rain. Pfffft.
• We have 150 glow bracelets for our kids to wear after dark. If they’re clever little philanthropists, they’ll sell them to other kids.
• Tina and Lori are bringing a few tents, and I think we’ll have room for 8-10 sleepers/hanging-out-ers. We have inflatable mattresses. You might want a pillow and sleeping bag. It’ll be way cold at night.
• If you’re going to be there at night, bring warm clothes.
• You’ll want a little cash to participate in on-site fundraisers. They ask for donations for just about everything.
• Sunshine’s bringing Farkle. If you’ve got other fun games like that, bring ‘em!

That’s all I can think of right now. Text or email me if you have questions, ideas, whatever. I’m really excited!!

Jul. 12: Some things

I’m a little scattered right now. Don’t judge.

I spent what seems like the entire day in the car yesterday. It was actually only about five hours of driving, but it felt like forever, maybe because I was getting important texts the entire time and could not respond to them appropriately. “Appropriately” is using proper spelling and punctuation, duh. Once I got home, it was more than an hour before I got caught up with life. No time to relax, though; it was off to Jack’s football camp two minutes later.

So, why was I in the car yesterday? I met my mom at our halfway point between Portland and Medford—beautiful Cottage Grove!—to hand over Katie, her friend Phoebe, and Oliver for a few days. The house is MUCH quieter without Oliver here.

---

← Why is this woman smiling? My guess is she’s hand-drawn because no one could get a photo of a smiling mom at football. BECAUSE NOBODY IN THEIR RIGHT MIND WOULD SMILE AT FOOTBALL OR MAYBE I ACTUALLY MEAN SOMETHING THAT MAKES ME SOUND LIKE LESS OF A BITCH.

Jack is in football conditioning camp this week. Dina and I arrived at the same time and quickly decided we want to spend as little time as possible at football this year. It’s not that watching the games or practices are so awful (even though they are), it’s blonde, skinny other things. Don’t get us started.

---

After a late dinner last night, I lay down to watch a little TV and quickly fell asleep. I woke up at 11 and pretty much went right back to bed. I slept until 6 this morning. If I could’ve slept later, I would have—this girl does not like 6am!—but that SVU marathon isn’t gonna watch itself.

My point: I’m flippin’ tired.

---

I have two videos to share that are all kinds of awesome. The first is Justin Timberlake, who is currently my favorite funnyman.

Jill Shaw, YES, I will share him with you this time. ;)

 

And this one shows such amazing, natural, NORMAL behavior. If only more people were as open-minded and sharp as this kid.

The next generation? by satellithias 

I have five gazillion things to do today, and I need to stop putting them off. Don’t be sad.

Jul. 10: In which Jen yells a little

Vic and the kids are at Great Wolf Lodge this weekend, and I opted to stay home for a weekend to myself. I love GWL, but since I’m not a swimsuit-in-public kind o’ gal, it’s not the most practical vacation for moi. If I could justify it for a weekend of playing skee-ball, though… I’d sooo do that.

So how am I spending my two days alone? Yesterday I went for a short, brisk walk and decided I need better shoes. I went shopping and found shoes… and socks, three shirts, two tablecloths, an iPhone case and armband, and some hair dealies. Today I need to return the tablecloth that doesn’t fit the table and the socks that I think someone already bought and wore and returned because OMG they are funk-ee.

Yesterday afternoon I went over to Jenn K’s for many hours of sun, fun, friends, inappropriate outbursts, mosquito bites, and making my hair smell like a campfire. This group of girls doesn’t include ALL of my fave peeps, but I do adore every single one of them:

L-R: Sunshine, Dina, Jenn K, Jen M, Val, Teresa
(not pictured: Sunshine’s hair couscous and Jenn K’s magnificent rack)

I got home late, watched an episode of Seinfeld and went to bed. I slept in the middle. I liked that part.

This morning I enjoyed my coffee in the sun on the deck (those jackhole neighbors were quiet!), then went for a walk/jog; my new iPhone armband works very well. I’d like to be productive around the house today. Where should I start? My office could use some attention. The packaging from the new kitchen table needs to be broken down for the recycling bin. PTO doodies call, as always. The stairs need vacuuming. The week’s mail needs to be sorted. I would do laundry, but Vic sorted a bunch the other day and I can’t tell what’s clean and what isn’t because he doesn’t follow my laundry rules.

HEY! IT’S TANGENT TIME!

My laundry rules make perfect sense to me:

1. Hampers hold dirty clothes.
2. Laundry baskets hold clean clothes.
   
   Those are the most important laundry rules, and they’re the two my husband consistently forgets. I sense he has trouble distinguishing a hamper from a basket. You’d think after all those years of college…
   
3. The table in the laundry room is for clean clothes only, usually things needing to be folded. Sometimes it also acts as the cat’s bed, in which case the clothes on the table are no longer clean. That is not Victor’s fault. (See how benevolent I am?)
4. Anything on the floor in the laundry room is dirty.
5. Any piles of clothes throughout the upstairs have been sorted for washing and are therefore considered dirty.
   
   Let’s review the most important of the laundry rules, which deserves a numbered line all its own even though it paraphrases earlier rules:
   
6. Clothes out of the dryer are clean, and should go directly into a basket or on the table or on one’s body. THEY DO NOT GO BACK INTO A HAMPER.
   
   One more time:
7. CLEAN CLOTHES NEVER EVER EVER EVER EVER BELONG IN A HAMPER.

Violations of these rules are why I’m not doing as much laundry today as I could otherwise, so if Vic thinks he can come home from vacation and yell at me for not getting anything done this weekend, I will punch him square in the ‘nads. And don’t tell me I should just smell the clothes to see if they’re clean or dirty. JEN DOES NOT SMELL CLOTHES TO SEE IF THEY’RE CLEAN OR DIRTY. What, you think I just made up those laundry rules for no good reason?

Alright, so I’m trying to be productive. I think today’s tasks will involve a little laundry, a little organizing in my office, some recycling, a lot of PTO paperwork, and hopefully a nap. Yes, I put “nap” on my to-do list. Something wrong with that?

Pffft.

Jul. 7: Justifiable neighborcide

The family who lives behind us is pretty much the perfect kind of neighbor—we’ve never had any conflict with them, and although we don’t know them well, they seem like nice people. Last year the guy built some weird, very tall wind power thing that was mysterious/ugly; otherwise they all seem normal.

Wait, there’s that goofy wood-chopping thing, which still happens regularly. That’s still weird as ever. (Seriously, click that link. Weird, right?)

Yesterday these neighbors were working in their backyard and they turned on music, LOUD. This didn’t bother me, as it was in the middle of the day and I wasn’t trying to get my nap on at the moment. I wasn’t thrilled that most of the music was country music, but there are certainly worse things a neighbor could do.

I was about to find out exactly what was worse.

One particular song started over the second it ended. Now, this music was as loud as if it was coming out of the speakers in our house; I couldn’t ignore it. Hearing one country song is tolerable. Hearing it a second time, immediately, is less so, and hearing it again and again for hours had me tempted to call in a sniper.

Because OMG, they played that same EFFING song over and over and over. I wondered if someone had accidentally pushed “repeat” instead of “shuffle,” but every few times a different song would play. Also, the neighbors were occasionally singing along, happily, like busy little landscaping elves who had no idea they were about to be murdered. Is it possible to like a song THAT much? Is it? I don’t think it is.

After a couple hours, they turned the music down (or off, I don’t know—I slammed all our windows shut after the fifth time the song played). In the evening, Victor and I were outside and heard the song again, but it was playing much more softly. I said to him, THIS IS THAT SONG! And I heard it again, and again, and finally I went inside and yelled many bad things.

I’ll admit that it was worse hearing the same song over and over because it was a country song. I’m not a fan. Once upon a time I actually enjoyed country music, but nowadays they’ve got drugs that fix that kind of silliness and I take them regularly. I’ve gotta say, though; as country songs go, this was not one of the horriblest. (That word’s for you, Fancy Lori!)

Let me clarify: once, it wasn’t the horriblest. Thirty-seven times, it was the worst sound ever in the history of all the sounds anyone has ever made ever ever ever.

What did we do to deserve this type of torture? We’re nice!

OK, we’re not outright cruel.

I started to write this post and realized I didn’t even know the name of the song that was playing, so I searched for the lyrics by the words that (now) absolutely will not leave my brain. I found the song easily: Live Like You Were Dying, by Tim McGraw. I think Tim McGraw’s a bit of a dreamboat, so why’d those perfectly nice and normal neighbors behind us have to make me resent him for this song? Curse them! The song is also one of those meaningful(ish) country songs. DAMMIT. It’s actually pretty good. DAMMIT. And Tim looks awful yummy in the video. DAMMIT.

I’ve heard the neighbors’ music most of today, too, and most of it has been this song. I really think these people must be deaf. That’s gotta be the answer. The good thing is that if they’re deaf, they won’t hear me sneaking up on them with something shoot-y. Cool.

Jul. 6: Pinterest finds

I’m busy today, so instead of writing a deep and meaningful post like I usually do, I’m posting some of my recent Pinterest finds. You don’t mind, do you?

Happy Wednesday, y’all.

Jul. 4: Currently

Happy 4th of July!

I’ve been doing a Daybook post semi-regularly for a while now, but half the time I can’t think of anything to write and I delete sections and then forget to add them back in the next week and basically, I’ve totally farked up the Daybook as it was meant to be. Today, I’m giving this variation a try. I found it on Pinterest (of course).

Currently…

1. listening

I’m listening to the dogs snoring. I keep humming, which is driving me crazy—I swear, it’s involuntary. Birds are making noise outside. OK, I can’t take the humming anymore; Pandora it is. No noise from the kids this morning, since they’re at G&G’s. Their cousin is there for a week or so, and I’ve seen very little of Katie since Julianne arrived. Katie is the biggest Julianne fan EVER, obvy. Heck, even Jack likes Julianne. I know, I can’t believe it either.

2. eating

I’m not eating anything right at the moment. When it’s time—and I know you care—I’ll be eating cereal. Mmmmm. You are jealous.

Yesterday, however, we had a delicious lunch over at Vic’s parents’ house. Burgers, ribs, homemade potato salad, beans, corn on the cob, pink lemonade… it was perfect. If Vic wasn’t working today we all would’ve gathered for lunch today instead, like normal Americans.

3. drinking

I just finished drinking a huge mug of coffee.

Oh, speaking of drinking, I need your opinion. The other night Vic came home with tonic water, limes, rum, and Sunny D. He added this to our already very well-stocked liquor cabinet shelf. Is he making it easier than ever for me to get my drink on, and if so, why?

OK, never mind. I know why.

4. wearing

I’m wearing yoga pants and a tank top right now. It’s a shocking change from absolutely nothing.

5. feeling

I woke up with the cat on my head, so I’m feeling a little cat-stabby. Waking to a beautiful blue sky is the perfect remedy, though—and honestly, I love the kitty’s loud purr, though less when it’s accompanied by her claws kneading my scalp. And now that I’ve been up for a several hours—I’m a slow waker-upper—I’m feeling eager to getting things accomplished today. I already went through the week’s mail, did some organizing downstairs, and now I’m working on things in my office. I’ll continue being productive, I think, unless I get on Pinterest. I can get lost in Pinterest for hours. Pinterest is the devil.

6. weather

Along with the beautiful blue sky, the forecast says we’ll get to 82° today. Portland frequently has sucky weather for 4th of July, so this is a nice little surprise. Good weather for pulling weeds in the front yard too—that’s the excuse I’m going to use to spend an extended period of time out in this weather perfection.

7. wanting

I am really, really wanting a vacation—a real one, involving an airport. Right now I don’t want anything else. Maybe a cookie, but mostly a vacation.

8. needing

I am seriously needing to punch some people—specific ones—in the face. Repeatedly.

9. thinking

I’m thinking it’s time to stop writing. I need to tackle my list of projects and spend time in the sunshine. Just one more thing…

10. enjoying

Last night we watched Up in the Air and enjoyed it very much. Like my post about The Hangover the other day, we’re way behind everyone else seeing this movie, so I’m not going to be THAT dork by going on and on about it.

Divine has sweet coconut frozen yogurt right now! I love that stuff. I’d love to enjoy it a lot more than I should.

In closing, here’s a visual of things in my brain these days:

Have a fab holiday.

Jul. 3: July 4 par-tay-ing

Much to the kids’ frustration, we’re not throwing a 4th of July party this year. We did one last year and to Katie and Jack, that means WE DO ONE EVERY YEAR WHY DO YOU HAVE TO WRECK EVERYTHING MOM NOW WE HAVE NOTHING TO DO ALL DAY LONG AND WE’LL BE THE ONLY ONES NOT DOING FUN STUFF AND WE’RE RUNNING AWAY FROM HOME BECAUSE DID WE MENTION YOU WRECK EVERYTHING.

Argh.

Victor has to work tomorrow, so even though he’ll be home by dark so we can do our lame, puny fireworks in the driveway, it just doesn’t seem worth inviting a bunch of people over when he’ll be gone most the day. We’re having a BBQ at his parents’ house this afternoon; otherwise our Independence Day festivities will be small and unimpressive.

Still, it’s a national holiday, and one must do certain things:

• One must eat too much
• One must drink too much
• One must blow shit up

I have two things to share with you as we prepare for tomorrow’s celebration:

1. My 4th of July playlist from last year, which is almost too fabulous for words. Girl, you know it’s true.
2. Flag etiquette. Although this info can be found in lots of places, I went directly to the source: the official United States Flag Code. Because I’m nothing if not a follower of rules. <cough>

It is the universal custom to display the flag only from sunrise to sunset on buildings and on stationary flagstaffs in the open. However, when a patriotic effect is desired, the flag may be displayed 24 hours a day if properly illuminated during the hours of darkness.

The flag should not be displayed on days when the weather is inclement, except when an all-weather flag is displayed.

A lot of people who hang flags outside their homes aren’t very good about taking them down before dark or in the rain, us included. Of course, ever since that terrorist stole our flag, we don’t put one out at all. However, following the official Flag Code is an FAQ section, in which it clarifies the weather issue:

The language of this section reflects the now-popular use of flags made of synthetic fabrics that can withstand unfavorable weather conditions. It is not considered disrespectful to fly such a flag even during prolonged periods of inclement weather. However, since the section speaks in terms of “days when the weather is inclement,” it apparently does not contemplate that on an otherwise fair day, the flag should be lowered during brief periods of precipitation.

Let’s just assume that instead of being lazy-ass homeowners, we all fly all-weather flags. Yes, let’s.

The flag should be hoisted briskly and lowered ceremoniously.

“Hoist” is a funny word. Hoist.

The flag, when flown at half-staff, should be first hoisted to the peak for an instant and then lowered to the half-staff position. The flag should be again raised to the peak before it is lowered for the day.

Seriously? They’re just messin’ with us now.

The flag should never touch anything beneath it, such as the ground, the floor, water, or merchandise. The flag should never be used as wearing apparel, bedding, or drapery. The flag should never be used as a covering for a ceiling. The flag should never be used as a receptacle for receiving, holding, carrying, or delivering anything. It should not be embroidered on such articles as cushions or handkerchiefs and the like, printed or otherwise impressed on paper napkins or boxes or anything that is designed for temporary use and discard. No part of the flag should ever be used as a costume or athletic uniform.

We can’t wear the flag? Or decorate with the flag? Or put the flag on paper stuff? Wow. I’m pretty sure no one pays attention to that part of the code anymore, because I see all of the above just about every day.

You know that old rumor about how the flag has to be burned if it ever touches the ground? The official Flag Code doesn’t actually say that, but it does give this guideline for all the jerks who’ve been flying the same frayed, old, faded flag off their bumper since 2001:

The flag, when it is in such condition that it is no longer a fitting emblem for display, should be destroyed in a dignified way, preferably by burning.

I like this part, which makes all the detail in the official Flag Code seem a little more reasonable:

The flag represents a living country and is itself considered a living thing.

Also in the Flag Code is stuff about the national anthem and the Pledge of Allegiance.

When not in uniform men should remove any non-religious headdress with their right hand and hold it at the left shoulder, the hand being over the heart.

Here are my questions about this part of the code:

1. Last year, during an assembly at school in which the kids were wearing hats for a spirit week day, the principal taught them that hats should be removed when reciting the Pledge of Allegiance. I was wearing a hat at the time and quickly exited the gym so I wouldn’t have to take it off. The Flag Code does not clearly state an exception for people going through chemotherapy, so does that mean chemo patients should just wear a military uniform at all times? After all, one never knows when one will need to pledge allegiance to the flag. Hm.
2. It specifically states that MEN should remove their headdresses. Is that MEN as in MANKIND or MEN as in MALES? Are women not supposed to pledge allegiance to the flag? Is that why they’re not mentioned?
3. Also, I understand that HEADDRESS means hats, but the term HEADDRESS makes me think of this:
   
   
   … and I’m gonna go out on a limb here and suggest that maybe they should have been more clear because I don’t think that’s the HEADDRESS our Flag Code writers had in mind.
4. #3 wasn’t so much a question as it was a picture of a HEADDRESS. Maybe they should’ve used the term HEADGEAR. Then I would have this mental image:
   
   
   
5. #4 wasn’t so much a question as it was a picture of a girl who can’t eat corn on the cob and won’t have a date until college.

OK, now you’ve got some tunes to hear and you’re flag-smart. Go blow shit up.

Jun. 30: Online handles

My bloggy friend Jen E, of MommaBlogsALot fame, posted this link on Facebook yesterday. It’s about our discarded Internet IDs of yore. I loved reading the last part of the article, in which a handful of people explained their first online “handles.” It made me feel old, though, because many of them mentioned that they first started using the ‘net in middle school.

The first time I ever used a computer was in middle school.

The first time the ‘net was accessible to the average person (me), I was long out of college. ‘Scuse me while I go take my Geritol.

…

OK, I’m back. These were my first few online handles:

• JenPDX: I first accessed AOL while at my sister’s in 1995-ish. This was my single girl username, perfect because it said I was female and from Portland. I managed to do quite a bit of flirting in chat rooms with this one. Those were some fun days. This handle is now used by someone else in Portland, but once upon a time it was all mine.
• SaltmarshJ: On AOL, again, this time at home and on my own account. JSaltmarsh was already taken.
• JManullang: Once married, I began to use this name on my AOL account. (According to Ed, I used AOL for way too long for someone who claimed to be “technically savvy.” He embarrassed me into getting a “real” ISP.) I still use JManullang, as evidenced by my blog URL.
• JennySandM: My friend Paula made fun of my Jen S-M handle, calling me Jenny S&M. That sounded way better/funnier, so I changed it. Most people read it as “JennySand,” which was not at all funny. Whatevs.

I don’t think I ever had usernames that even attempted to be anonymous. Identity theft be damned, I said! (I guess…)

These are disappointingly uninteresting. What about yours?

Jun. 29: Diana at 50? Really?

Is anyone else horrified that a respectable (?) news magazine would publish an issue with this Photoshopped cover?

The article is somewhat interesting; who hasn’t thought about what Diana would be doing were she still alive? I like to think she and Kate would be BFF’s, but mostly that Diana would be HAPPY. The strangest part of the article was suggesting she and Charles would be confidantes. Yeah, um, I doubt that very much.

But the cover photo is what really creeped me out, and not a little bit. I would guess that it’s intentionally not a very good Photoshop job—it is so obviously not Diana’s body, her head is proportionately small next to Kate’s, etc. This inside photo was in poor taste, too:

Oh, so today’s Diana would have a few wrinkles and an iPhone? Gotcha.

The whole idea is just weird and, in my opinion, has an awfully high creep factor. Is Newsweek that desperate to sell their magazine? If I didn’t read all my news on the Internet, I’d totally cancel my subscription right now.

Whatever, Newsweek. I, for one, do not approve.