Feb. 18: This I believe...

1. It is wrong that rose quartz is a beautiful stone but on my skin it disappears because it is the same color, yet my skin is not beautiful. Instead it is the color of unbaked, salmonella-laden chicken. I believe this is proof that there is no God, and if it turns out there is, then why do tanning beds kill us?
   
2. It is a fact that logic eludes me.
   
3. You've heard me say it before, but it's as true today as it was when I was 5 years old: Kraft Macaroni & Cheese is the most perfect food ever created.
   
4. I don't think my husband should sing the words "moose knuckle" to the tune of "Moon River."
   
5. It should be illegal for my children not to listen to me.
   
6. It is wrong how much laundry there is.
   
7. It is a waste of time to watch non-TiVo'd TV. You'd have to be some kind of sucker, a chump, a sucker chump.
   
8. Speaking of TV, there should be more than one Thursday night a week.
   
9. It is wrong that I had to remind Jack three times last week not to touch Scout's butt hole.
   
10. We get way too much mail.
    
11. Puddles suck.
    
12. Life would be a lot more entertaining if it were a musical.
    
13. The Doodlebops make me miss the Wiggles.
    

--Jen

Feb. 15: Ponderables

Normally when I get the "cute things kids do/say" e-mails I keep them to myself because sometimes only parents can really appreciate that level of precociousness. Unless they're my kids. That's totally different; they're always adorable and entertaining and hilarious. Anyhoo, Kirsten sent me this one and I thought it should be an exception because it's got some good chuckles. Enjoy.

MARRIAGE FROM THE EYES OF A CHILD

How do you decide who to marry?

You got to find somebody who likes the same stuff. Like, if you like sports, she should like it that you like sports, and she should keep the chips and dip coming. - Alan, age 10

No person really decides before they grow up who they're going to marry. God decides it all way before, and you get to find out later who you're stuck with. - Kristen, age 10

What is the right age to get married?

Twenty-three is the best age because you know the person forever by then. - Camille, age 10

No age is good to get married at. You got to be a fool to get married. - Freddie, age 6

How can a stranger tell if two people are married?

You might have to guess, based on whether they seem to be yelling at the same kids. - Derrick, age 8

What do you think your mum and dad have in common?

Both don't want any more kids. - Lori, age 8

What do most people do on a date?

Dates are for having fun, and people should use them to get to know each other. Even boys have something to say if you listen long enough. - Lynnette, age 8

On the first date, they just tell each other lies and that usually gets them interested enough to go for a second date. - Martin, age 10

What would you do on a first date that was turning sour?

I'd run home and play dead. The next day I would call all the newspapers and make sure they wrote about me in all the dead columns. - Craig, age 9

When is it okay to kiss someone?

When they're rich. - Pam, age 7

The law says you have to be eighteen, so I wouldn't want to mess with that. - Curt, age 7

The rule goes like this: if you kiss someone, then you should marry them and have kids with them. It's the right thing to do. - Howard, age 8

Is it better to be single or married?

It's better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys need someone to clean up after them. - Anita, age 9

How would the world be different if people didn't get married?

There sure would be a lot of kids to explain, wouldn't there? - Kelvin, age 8

How would you make a marriage work?

Tell your wife that she looks pretty, even if she looks like a truck. - Ricky, age 10

Feb. 14: Bite me, jackass

Alright, I may be a little late to the party, but I've just been informed of the fabulous web site zefrank. After just a few clicks around the site, I knew I needed to share it with you, my (four) faithful readers.

I started to post links to a bunch of different things I found but decided it'd be more fun for you to just find them yourselves. 'Cept this one... this might just be the best idea ever.

Note: I do realize the date and the title of this post could lead you, my (four) faithful readers, to assume that I am unhappy with my true love's Valentines Day behavior. That would be wrong. Victor presented me with red roses this morning. Later we had a lovely, oh-so-romantic dinner for six at Red Robin, in which we ate many delicious fried foods that led us to feel overweight, unattractive and a little nauseous. Ah, yes. It was a perfect day.

--J.

Feb. 14: Great White Way-ish

This morning I got an e-mail invitation to renew our Broadway in Portland membership for 2007-2008. It looks like a good lineup of shows:

• Monty Python's Spamalot (we've been dying to see this)
  
• Camelot (starring Michael York--I'm sure his resume is impressive, but I only know him as Basil Exposition in the Austin Powers movies)
  
• Twelve Angry Men (starring Richard Thomas and George Wendt)
  
• Sweeney Todd (I'm embarrassed to say that I don't know anything about this show but Wikipedia says there's "sparse non-sung dialogue," so I'll probably hate it. Other Wikipedia trivia: Tim Burton is making a movie and Johnny Depp will star as Sweeney Todd. Ooooooooooh...)
  
• Avenue Q (John Tartaglia starred in this show on Broadway. You Disney Channel viewers know him as Johnny from Johnny & the Sprites. Some of the song titles from Avenue Q's soundtrack: What Do You Do With a B.A. in English?, It Sucks to Be Me, The Internet is for Porn, I'm Not Wearing Underwear Today... you get the idea. We're gonna love this show!)

The extries are The Phantom of the Opera (or "Oprah," as Theo says) and Mamma Mia. I hated hated hated Phantom, but the other is a possibility.

Still left in this year's season are Annie, The Light in the Piazza, and Dirty Rotten Scoundrels.

Our seats are in a great location, so we're definitely getting season tickets again. At $97 each, it's a bargain if we go to more than one show. Plus it's a fun excuse to go out on a date every few months.

Check out the Broadway Across America web site to see the shows coming to your area. And so ends my P.S.A. for today. You're welcome.

--Jen

Feb. 14: Love stinks

OK, love is not really all that odoriferous, unless you follow Jack's gift-giving ideas.

Every year just before Valentine's Day there's a "Dad & Me" night for the preschool classes at Jack's school. This is a time for the children to make something special for their moms, usually a paper craft, because Miss Crystal believes that moms kinda get the short end on most holidays. This is one of the many reasons we love Miss Crystal.

This morning Jack proudly presented me with his handmade V-Day gift: a "book" with an abundance of glitter and sticky pages. I absolutely love it, really. The first page says "My Mom is cute." Page two says, "My favorite thing about Mom is when she hugs me." Next, "Thank you Mom for pirate flashlight." And finally, "I love Mom because she is nice." The last page has a Polaroid of Vic and Jack working on the book. I'm actually surprised Vic and Jack got anything done, having sat at a table with Darby and David (two of our goofball-but-cool neighbors). But if I find out every other mom's books had 12 pages...

Anyway, after I went on and on and on and on to Jack about how wonderful his book is, Vic told me about this conversation on their way to Dad & Me night:

Jack: "Why are we going to school at nighttime?"
Vic: "We're going to make something special for Mommy for Valentine's Day."
Jack: "I want to make her a pizza!"

Have a great love-y day.

--J.

Feb. 12: Birthday hangover

Katie's birthday weekend was great fun. Here's proof: pictures. The dogs are depressed since Grandma left yesterday, we're still finding bits of wrapping paper and ribbon everywhere, Jack can't stop eating cake, Mommy & Daddy are so dang tired... and I can't remember what else I wanted to say.

BTW, that isn't beer in the dinner party pictures. It's root beer. Really. It ain't that kind of hangover.

Also, Build-a-Bear is just about the coolest party place ever.

More later.

--Jen

Feb. 8: This is NOT a budget tip

Normally I hate the kinds of crafts that are made from garbage, like "Knit appliance cozies from your used dental floss!" and "Staple AOL disks to the wall for a groovy prism-y effect!" There are some things that should just be thrown away. Personally, I think if you spent all of 17 cents decorating a room in your house, that maybe you should just keep that information to yourself.

As with everyone else in life, though, there are exceptions to this rule. Like the idea of spray-painting empty Altoids boxes for different uses; I mean, who doesn't love those little boxes? And who doesn't die a little inside every time you throw one away?

Here's another one: a belt made out of the tabs of pop cans. This is an exception because the result is just so darn cute.


Fine print: I am simply a messenger of goodwill and will not be held responsible if you get jabbed in the tummy with a sharp poke-y stick-y out-y thing from one of the tabs.

--Jen

Feb. 7: Cute cute cute

Several people have e-mailed me about the Animal Planet Puppy Bowl now. You gotta check it out, 'specially the kitty halftime show. Nobody likes stupid football anyway, right? :)

But wait, there's more!

This wiggly puppy tuckers himself out:


This baby kitty's cries made Casey's ears go straight up. She looked around for 20 minutes to find the critter, and took another 20 or so to relax again.


And now we return you to your normally scheduled programming of hideousity.

--Jen

Feb. 2: Holidays

Happy Groundhog Day.


More importantly, happy birthday to my nephew, Sean. He's 20 years old today. I think it's super duper funny that my seester has a 20-year-old kid because that means she's super duper OLD.

HA HA HA HA HA (it's funny!)