Aug. 26: Advice for a young boy

1. When your mom’s trying to cut carbs and is a teensy bit grouchy, you should not defy her in any way. If she asks you to pick up your Legos, for instance, you should do it, and you should do it immediately. Because if you don’t, she may backhand you, and remember she’s got that one pokey ring.
   
   
   
   
2. When your mom’s trying to cut carbs and cannot seem to get a good night’s sleep, you might consider keeping your things and self out of her way. And if she trips over the light saber you left on the stairs one more time, she will almost certainly inject peanut butter under your skin and encourage the dogs to nibble at you until they get to it.
   
   
   
   
3. When your mom’s trying to cut carbs and asks you to eat M&Ms for breakfast just so she can watch and enjoy them vicariously, you should do it. Yes, she’s finally lost it, and yes, you should probably get her some help. But just eat the damn M&Ms already, okay? She’s tired of seeing them whenever she accidentally opens the Cabinet o’ Carbohydrates™ and they make her want to drag you by the ankles across the unswept kitchen floor. (Also, you should sweep the kitchen floor for her.)
   
   
   
   
4. When your mom’s trying to cut carbs and has absolutely no energy and you won’t stop asking to go to the store and buy more Legos no matter how many times she says you already have too many, you should fully expect her to shove your face against the curb and stand on it until a neighbor sees.
   
   
   
   
5. When your mom’s trying to cut carbs and just wants to stop thinking about how much she’d like to have a bowl of pasta, you can bet she doesn’t want to hear every detail about your trip to Spaghetti Factory with Grandpa and Grandma yesterday. And if you insist on telling her about it anyway, she has every right to threaten you with the grater she’s using to make her Caesar salad without croutons.
   
   
   
   
6. Lastly, (and this one applies whether or not your mom’s cutting carbs), when you’re running from a bee, PLEASE watch where you’re going so you don’t bonk into a tree.

Fine, it’s too late; just file this info away in your noodle because you will need it again someday. You are my son, after all.

(Mmmmm... noodles...)