Aug. 29: My open letter to McCain

Dear Mr. McCain:

I used to like you. When you first started showing up in election-related news many years ago, you seemed like a decent guy with good ideas and a sense of humor. You seemed like a Republican I might even be able to get behind.

And I’d definitely like to get behind you now. I’d like to get behind you and shove you in front of your nursing home shuttle bus.

Because what happened to you? I mean, besides getting incredibly old and mean. Once upon a time I thought you were different than George W. Bush—the biggest mistake our country ever made—and that if we couldn’t get a decent Democrat back in office, at least you were better than President Doofus. But that’s not true anymore. In some ways I think you might even be worse, because you want to be a more-of-the-same president. And I gotta tell ya, that’s bad. That’s real bad.

Remember when people were going nuts over how frequently John Kerry talked about his military experience? Even his supporters were like, enough already, dude. But now you’re doing it too. We know you were a POW; we’re reminded every time we look at you. I am impressed and grateful for the things you endured for our country, but there are other things we care about too.

You did gain a few points with me for announcing Dwight Schrute as your running mate; unfortunately, you were joking. I never would have voted for the two of you anyway, but it was amusing. Your actual choice as of today, Sarah Palin, is amusing as well. According to her Wikipedia page (100% factual, as always), she’s really somethin’.

Ultimately, the problem is that I don’t see you making positive changes for our country; I see you taking us further down this very wrong road we’ve been on for way too long. Remember how united we all felt after 9/11? President A-hole managed to fracture that by lying to us so he could play cowboys and Indians—in the name of “enduring freedom”—even when most of the world was against it. And because of his ego, now most of the world hates us more than ever. If you were elected, I see you doing pretty much the same thing but-cept it would be Operation Enduring Mission Accomplished. No thanks.

But, y’know, fine. Continue presenting yourself as Yosemite Sam, Mr. McCain, because for some reason you think that’s what will win you the White House. And then on November 5, when you’re sitting around wondering where you went wrong (duh!), just remember my advice: do what Bob Dole and Al Gore did after they lost their elections; relax and be yourself. Make people like you again. Make people think you’re not the bad guy you seemed to be during the mud-slinging race. Make people imagine it might not have been so bad if you’d been elected.

I miss the old John McCain and sure would like to like you (as a regular old dude) again.

Well, that’s all for now. With a potential love that could echo in the vast and enduring space between your ancient, hairy ears—