Aug. 12: When girls drink too much

I've only been falling-down, puke-my-guts-out drunk a handful of times in my life, but I remember enough to know that I prefer drunkenness as a spectator sport. I think drunk people are hugely entertaining. Most of them, anyway. The mean drunks suck; you just wonder if they've loosened up enough to finally tell you the truth. No thanks.

While I can't totally identify with this list I found while browsing the web today, I can still appreciate the humor. I hope you do too.

When girls drink too much...

1. We have absolutely no idea where our purse is
   
2. We believe that dancing with our arms overhead and wiggling our butt while yelling “woo-hoo!” is truly the sexiest dance move around
   
3. We’ve suddenly decided that we want to kick someone’s butt and honestly believe we could do it too
   
4. In our last trip to pee, we realize that we now look more like a homeless hooker than the goddess we were just four hours ago
   
5. We drop our 3:00 a.m. submarine sandwich on the floor (which we’re eating even though we are not the least bit hungry), pick it up and carry on eating it
   
6. We start crying and telling everyone we see that we love them sooo much
   
7. We get extremely excited and jump up and down every time a new song plays because “Oh my god! I love this song!”
   
8. We’ve found a deeper/spiritual side to the geek sitting next to us
   
9. The man we’re flirting with used to be our fifth grade teacher
   
10. The urge to take off articles of clothing, stand on a table and sing or dance becomes strangely overwhelming to us
    
11. Our eyes just don’t seem to want to stay open on their own so we keep them half closed and think it looks exotically sexy
    
12. We’ve suddenly taken up smoking and become really good at it
    
13. We yell at the bartender, who we believe cheated us by giving us just lemonade, but that’s just because we can no longer taste the gin
    
14. We think we are in bed, but our pillow feels strangely like the kitchen floor
    
15. We start every conversation with a booming “Don’t take this the wrong way but...”
    
16. We fail to notice that the toilet lid is down when we sit on it
    
17. Our hugs begin to resemble wrestling take-down moves
    
18. We are tired so we just sit on the floor (wherever we happen to be standing) and take a quick nap
    
19. We begin leaving the buttons open on our button fly pants to cut down on the time we’re in the bathroom away from our drink
    
20. We take our shoes off because we believe it’s their fault that we’re having problems walking straight
    

Heh heh heh. Alcohol makes people do funny stuff.

—Jen