Aug. 9: Camping tips

If you’ve been paying attention, you know that camping is one of my favorite pastimes. I mean, who doesn’t love being filthy dirty and eaten by bears for three straight days?

You also probably know by now that I enjoy satire. The Onion is one of my favorite chuckle sites. Here’s another: Recoil. Today I want to share their camping tips with you.

Perhaps partly out of guilt for living so well, humans instinctually feel the desire to take to the woods carrying less than a third of their modern conveniences in the name of camping. Here are some tips to help you survive your weekend excursion:

• Remember to register daily at the fairgrounds office, otherwise you won’t be eligible to win the prizes given out for setting off the wee morning firecracker that wakes up the largest percentage of campers.
  
• Calling tech support in advance will make it much easier to get your Internet connection up and running at the campground.
  
• In the event of a bear attack, lie down and try to appear lifeless. Men, ask your wives for advice on achieving this pose.
  
• Never feed the wildlife, as this will make animals dependent on handouts for survival. The same goes for your children.
  
• Make a scrapbook of close-up photos of each of your bug bites, to preserve the memories of your camping experiences for the members of your family that don’t die from malaria, West Nile virus, etc.
  
• Do not, under any circumstances, pack a fire extinguisher. If by some miracle you do manage to get a decent fire going, you certainly don’t want to risk someone putting it out.
  
• Keep in mind that sand, like vampires, can’t come into your place unless invited in.
  
• You can get a lot of great camping supplies at your local military surplus store, although you usually need to know a password in order to buy the really handy and hard-to-find supplies.
  
• Spreading a gross or so of industrial-sized tacks around the campfire will keep your baby from crawling into harm’s way.
  
• Be sure one of your friends packs an axe or else years later your straight-to-cable true story horror/thriller won’t be able to get much of a plot going.
  
• If you’re not up to packing everything and then driving 100 miles to some remote shithole, keep in mind that there’s no law that says you have to have slept in a tent to have license to not bathe and start drinking beer at noon on Saturdays.
  
• It’s wise to find the nearest Laundromat to your campsite before it starts to rain. It’s also helpful if the Laundromat has a hotel attached to it.

I didn't write that last one, even though it is the only kind of camping I willingly do.

—Jen