July 4: I wail because I ail

Poor Jen. Poor, poor Jen.

Before I go on, I should warn you that this post is a bit delicate/graphic, so feel free not to read it if you have a weak stomach or care nothing about my pain or do not love me in any way whatsoever and by the way, I hate you too.

I had a killer headache yesterday and didn’t get the family room and kitchen painted like I had planned. I was too miserable to be disappointed, though. I spent most the day with a hot pack on my face, which doesn’t make my head feel better, but it helps me sleep and that helps me forget about how much my head hurts. Katie and Jack were still at Grandpa & Grandma’s when Vic got home, so we had a nice pot roast dinner, something at which the kids would have turned up their noses (sadly, my headaches do not usually take away my appetite or this post would be much shorter). I spent most the evening groaning quietly on the couch. Late last night I had just taken a handful of drugs in hopes of getting a decent night’s rest, when I suddenly felt excessive saliva and knew immediately that my body was, well, rejecting the medication. Before I go further—because you surely know what happened next—I will provide a list of euphemisms; whichever is least offensive and/or most humorous is the one you should choose for the rest of my story.

• Puke
  
• Barf
  
• Hurl
  
• Yak
  
• Up-chuck (or the more civilized “Up-Charles”)
  
• Toss cookies
  
• Technicolor yawn
  
• 3-D belch
  
• Shout groceries
  
• Shout at your shoes (this has been my euphemism of choice for years)
  
• Liquid scream
  
• Doing the dinner catch-and-release
  
• Review today’s menu
  
• Download a meal
  
• Gastro geyser
  
• Round-trip meal ticket
  
• Share your inner feelings

Got your favorite? Good. Now, don’t try to demonstrate it for your kids and actually make yourself sick, Sonya.

So, um, I [euphemism]-ed. Victor was concerned but I kept telling him to go away—who wants to watch someone [euphemism]? As soon as I was done [euphemism]-ing and he knew I was fine, he turned into George Costanza: “Well, that was a waste of good beef.”

Unfortunately, the [euphemism]-ing did not make my head any better, and actually made my throat sore. Grrrr... I was able to fall asleep, though, and woke up with a much lighter headache. I have plans to get rid of it completely by this afternoon before our neighborhood festivities begin. I would be very, very sad if I missed out on the neighborhood festivities.

I’ve kinda made myself [euphemism] again just writing about this, and if you’re feeling [euphemism]-y too, I apologize. In an effort to share my life in this blog, however, you are allowed the privilege to experience many things that may have at one time been private matters. Lucky you, huh? (Hey, no one makes you visit manullang.com.) Also, having vented here means I won’t have the urge to share the story with my neighbors during our Fourth of July meal. That could set off a [euphemism]-o-rama the likes of which we’d never forget.

You’re welcome, dear neighbors.