Dec. 24: Christmas Eve reunion blast

I went out with my friends Kim F’n and Mike Devitt today. Kim and I have been friends since college, and I’ve known Mike (in the un-Biblical sense) since a few years before that. Mike’s lovely wife Angie joined us too. Here’s what we learned:

• Kim’s having an affair with her mail carrier, who may or may not have teeth but is most certainly a woman and the father of one of her sons.
• Mike’s patients, on the other hand, are the opposite of whatever Kim thinks they are.
• A lot of people we know went to Laurelwood Academy. If you don’t know how they’re connected to us, it’s safe to assume “Laurelwood.”
• The servers won’t admit it, but anything on Applebees’ menu without an apple next to it is bad for you.
• People in the booth behind you will become greatly offended if you say “sheee-it!” very loudly over and over and over until they move.
• Kim flosses at the table, but it’s okay because she totally told you not to look.
• (I’ve met Deen, Mike. In person. Just reminding you. But you’ve met Neal*, and some might say that’s better. Whatev.) *Thanks, Lori, for correcting me on the spelling of “Neal.”
• Larry was invited, but didn’t show up. We even waited. Some people just never RSVP.
• Lori wasn’t invited. That wasn’t very nice, was it? Maybe someone should blame Kim.
• After an hour with Mike, I’m pretty sure his son’s screaming habit is simply a precursor to talking very fast and not letting a person get an answer in edgewise.
• Don’t call 911 if you find blood on your toothbrush. Kim will make fun of you on the scanner, and then everyone sitting in a lawn chair as far away as Boise will know.
• “Hooking up” means something different depending on your age. That age is 40.
• Dr. Angie diagnosed my lymphoma before my own doctor did by Mike’s description of my symptoms. Together, Angie and Mike are like “House.” ‘Cept they’re “Devitt,” which is not nearly as roll-off-the-tongue-y.
• Mike has cooler hair than he thinks, thanks to his nephew. He will not get a Brazilian, however, so do not ask.
• Gary Tetz knows a little bit about wine and can play a mean accordion, but was not involved in that Big Lake scandal.
• Gary Tetz plays the accordion. I think that bears repeating.

Last and most certainly NOT least, Buddha’s blessings to Angie, who is incredibly patient to spend all that time with three loud goofballs. Thank you, Kim, for organizing this mini-reunion. And thanks to Mike and Angie for driving ALL THE WAY FROM BOISE to take us out for lunch. Larry would never do that.

I’ve never laughed so hard about cancer in my whole life.