Dec. 25: Bald ain’t beautiful

This has been my new mail alert for years now:

Download this MP3 - (Right Click)

 

It was a hell of a lot funnier to hear 30 times a day *before* I was bald.

For three or four days last week, every time I looked down I could see hair that had fallen out of my head and landed on the front of me. Sometimes it was long strands stuck to my clothes. But much worse was when it I could see it had fallen into whatever I was eating. Thank goodness this didn’t happen often, what with the lack of appetite I’ve had for the past month… but once was definitely enough. The other night I asked Victor to shave my head.

I think I’ve shared this photo before:

This is me and my dad, circa 1969. Notice my perfectly rounded and mostly bald head? It’s kinda cute, right? I mean, it’s cute in the way that many bald babies are cute, and it’s scar-free and dent-free and probably as close to perfect as any baby who’s 6+ months old.

Guess what? Forty-plus years has ruined the cuteness of the way I might have ever looked bald. In fact, it’s made my baldness look downright scary. Like Uncle Fester-scary.

Or Mr. Clean-scary.

Or Mr. Bigglesworth-scary.

There are people out there who look good bald (cats excluded). If I were dictator, I’d make sure that only those people would get the hair-falling-out chemotherapy drug. The rest of us would get Rogaine in our IVs. It’s only fair. Because hair is a pretty big deal, y’know? I mean, entire rock operas have been written about it.

Hair brings one’s self-image into focus; it is vanity’s proving ground. Hair is terribly personal, a tangle of mysterious prejudices. ~ Shana Alexander

The HAIR is the richest ornament of women. ~ Martin Luther

We’re all born bald, baby. ~ Telly Savalas

Hair is vitally personal to children. They weep vigorously when it is cut for the first time; no matter how it grows, bushy, straight or curly, they feel they are being shorn of a part of their personality. ~ Charles Chaplin, My Autobiography, 1964

Baldness is a sign that you no longer have to hide your wisdom from people who think they know everything. ~ Kathleen Anderson Johnson

Better a bald head than no head at all. ~ Austin O'Malley

FYI, these are just a few of the names I prefer not to be called in this new state of hairlessness:

Fluffy

Gillette

Lady Schick

Lady Godiva

Lucile Bald

Nair

Scarlet No Haira

Shaggy

 

Thanks.