If you’ve been paying attention, you know I am not incredibly fond of my grandmother. She isn’t very nice. Granted, anyone would suffer in comparison to my Grandma Saltmarsh, who was an angel. But the living grandma’s still just a big meanie and I’m pretty sure she’s hanging on just to piss me off. It’s not just because of the senility or aging. She’s unbelievably self-centered and justifies her evil behavior as self-defense. I gave up on trying to be patient with her a long time ago, when she responded to my invitation to Christmas one year (for which neither she or I had other plans) like this: “No, I don’t want to celebrate Christmas this year. It just isn’t the same without family.”
Nice story, eh? I got a million of ‘em, but I won’t share them all today. Maybe after being with her at Christmas this year I’ll lose my last smidge of concern for the curmudgeon and tell y’all the rest. Meh.
And that brings me to this transcript of a kinda funny conversation I had with Grandma the other day (not an example of her mean-ness, but her tendency to hear only what she chooses):
GRANDMA: Jen, I don’t know what to get Jack for Christmas. He said he’s not allowed to have any more trucks.
ME: (wondering when she spoke to Jack about this...) No, Grandma, he’s still allowed to have trucks! He just doesn’t play with them very much anymore. And since he doesn’t play outside this time of year, trucks are not the most practical. (hoping this will make her understand that I’m not being a bitchy mom, I’m just trying to find a nice way to tell her to get him something he’ll actually LIKE, and also that if she gets one more truck that belts “Who Let the Dogs Out?” I will hit her with her leg stump)
GRANDMA: Well, is there something he would like better?
ME: (thinking how about ANYTHING???) Y’know, right now he’s really into Legos.
GRANDMA: Your mom got him some already.
ME: Yeah, she got him a big tub of them and they’re perfect. But you can’t have enough Legos. He loves the little car kits and Star Wars ships, etc. He follows the directions so carefully; it’s very cute to watch him concentrating—
GRANDMA: (interrupting) Where do you get them?
ME: (Dark alley, and ask for Tony Soprano... overseas mail order... ANYWHERE, you insane woman! They’re freakin’ Legos!) Target...
GRANDMA: Oh! We have Target!
ME: (yes, I know...) Or Toys R Us...
GRANDMA: Oh! There’s a Toys R Us right down the street!
ME: (yes, I know, that’s why I said it...) Toys R Us probably has the best selection, you should check there. They range in price from about $3 up to $400.
GRANDMA: OK, I’ll get him some Legos if that’s what he likes. I want to give him something he’ll enjoy playing with on Christmas. I just don’t want to give him another truck if he’s not allowed.
ME: (feeling bad now...) Grandma, he’s allowed to have trucks, he just doesn’t really play with them.
GRANDMA: OK, I’ll get him a truck then.
ME: (wuh-huh?)
My mom is deathly afraid of turning into her mother—you can probably understand why. But Kath and I have assured her that we have no interest in letting her get that way. We’ll kill her at the first sign.
Or if she just really gets on our nerves. Ye be warned, Mom.
You're a riot. I actually spit out laughing at the "hit her with her leg stump" comment. She hasn't learned about blogs yet, right??? Or is she still working on the VCR?
ReplyDeleteJen I think that the "bad" ones stick around just to piss us off. My dad's mom finally kicked the bucket last year after 93 years of torture. When she knew that I was doing genealogy on my dad's side she told me some info, but held a lot back. Like the fact that her mother was a naturalized English citizen. Instead she told me that her mother was born in Michigan. Going through her papers my dad found his grandmother's naturalization certificate - something big to leave out.
ReplyDeleteIt's amazing that little graphic you used actually looks like the ol' lady.
ReplyDeleteKath, it was between the cartoony pic and a more realistic one (of Roy Orbison)... such a choice!
ReplyDeleteLori, your comment makes me wonder what Grandma's definition of "blog" might be in a game of Balderdash... scary/funny. :)
Chris,
ReplyDeleteGeez! Why would the old bat think she could leave stuff like naturalization out of your genealogy? Like you were never going to find out? Do you think her memory was "inventive" or "selective"?
Part of me can't wait to get old so I can act like a bitch and just get away with it... and the other part of me doesn't dare grow that old.
I think it was inventive memory myself. She liked to screw with people just to see their reaction or for her sick pleasure not sure which. I don't want to be that old, but I do want to be that bitchy - is it too early to start now? :)
ReplyDeleteYou are the best! I used to ALWAYS complain to you about my grumpy, elderly mother inlaw and your comments about your grandmother bring it all back to me. Remember....If the heat doesn't kill the elderly, I will!
ReplyDeletePS - Do you allow Katie to still play with dolls?