May 15: Ouchie.

One of the things my oncologist said at my last appointment is that I need to get off pain pills because the tumor has become so small, there’s no reason for me to have any pain. This, of course, is bullshit. I still have pa-lenty of pain. I am still incredibly uncomfortable if I lie flat on my back. No, I’m not sleeping on the couch, sitting up straight, like I did for most of last year. But there is a surprising amount of pain in my back, and while the tumor might have caused some or most of it, I’ve recently begun to guess that there’s another reason for that pain too.

I’ve been careful not to take Vicodin on a regular basis, so as not to risk my body depending on it. Now that I won’t be taking prednisone, I probably won’t need Vicodin as often; hopefully Advil will take care of the everyday stuff. I’m trying not to think about what I’ll do if it doesn’t. I’m not a huge fan of pain and the grouch it turns me into (pssst… nobody else is either).

I did the recommended six weeks of physical therapy in the hopes that it would help. I loved my physical therapist, but I honestly don’t think the stretching and strengthening exercises did me a bit of good. My back hurts enough on a normal day; when I do PT Lisa’s assignments, it gets worse. I’ve almost completely stopped doing them at home.

In the past, Dr. O has suggested that I lose weight to help with my back pain. It makes sense that weight loss would make a difference. I’m not an idiot—I know I’m a big fat pig. But at my last appointment she said being overweight is the only reason I still have back pain. The only one? Really?

Last year, when my back pain began to get severe, I hadn’t just suddenly gained 50 pounds. In fact, I’d been at my current weight for a few years at that time (sadly), so y’know what? I have a teensy problem with Dr. O’s analysis. Yes, my excess weight most certainly contributes to my overall body pain, energy level, and preference not to leave the house. But there’s no way my oncologist will convince me that now that OJ is virtually gone, my weight is the only reason I still have pain. There *is* another reason for it. I don’t suspect it’s anything serious, but I also think I need to see someone other than an oncologist to figure out what it is.

And I don’t want to be weight-ist, but it might also help to see a physician who’s not a friggin’ size TWO and somehow manages to work in that fact at each visit.

Victor’s agreed to do the eating-healthier and exercising-more thing with me, so Friday morning we sent the kids off to school and headed out for a long walk together. My calves haven’t stopped screaming since. We have an elliptical trainer I’ve been using—my calves aren’t fond of that torture machine either. I know the muscle pain will disappear eventually, so I’ve been pushing myself through it and continuing to exercise. The achiness has now extended up into my hips and arse, and I’m walking around like an old woman—a whiny, complainy, very old woman.

So, yeah… yay Jen for exercising while feeling like ca-rap to get healthier. Hey hey hey. Whatev.