At least four very important people are celebrating a birthday today. I KNOW! This day is as special as, like, CHRISTMAS! Or at least Easter.
Loveliest Lori’s son Trevor is ten years old. YAY, Trevor! I don’t think he checks in here very often, so I’m hoping Loveliest Lori will give him the message that we all wish him the happiest birthday ever. Double digits rock, at least when the first digit is a one or two. After that, well, let’s not say more. I don’t want to ruin Trevor’s day.
Kim F’n is FORTY. FORTY! Here are the birthday gifts I virtually gave her last year. This year I’m giving her the same things, except for the coconut bra, since I don’t think she’s going back to Hawaii anytime soon. Instead of another uncomfortable bikini I’ll give her one of those walkers with the tennis balls on the feet. I’ve been 40 for nearly a year now, and trust me—she’s gonna need it. Kim F’n is kinda clumsy like me.
Enough with the specific ages. I don’t want anyone getting angry for telling the Internet how old they are. You know what anger does to the elderly. Like Dan. Today’s Dan’s birthday. Here are the virtual gifts I gave him last year. I’m giving him those same gifts today. Sorry for the out-of-date bumper stickers, Pal. But just think, if I keep giving you these gifts, eventually that cake will be the right number! Win-win???
Lastly, for the person I’ve known the longest and who quite possibly loves me back more than Trevor, Dan and Kim F’n all put together (especially after these lame-o birthday wishes), my favorite cousin Deanna gets some super good presents too. Here are last year’s gifts. I don’t think I’ll change any of them, but I’ll add a highly-valued autographed photo of me.
Yes, I know that’s not actually me, but Deanna likes to remind me that—when I finally stopped being bald—I had Buffy hair. I totally did. I’ll find a pic and scan it and you’ll see. At least I didn’t carry a creepy doll around with me like the real Buffy. My doll was way better; she looked like a burn victim with bad hair plugs and was usually naked. See, not creepy at all.
What was I talking about? Oh yes, Deanna. Happy birthday, Deanna! I’ll always remember fondly that one day you helped prepare me for how much different my life would be as an ordained minister.
Sorry, kids. That’s all you’re gettin’ from me.