Mar. 4: Even more witty twitters

Do I follow some witty twitterers? I sure do! Twitter names below link to their twitter pages so you can follow them too.

strutting That sense of delight and fulfillment that whispers in your ear, forever a fingernail's width beyond reach? It has a name. Quesadilla.

adamisacson O cruel circumstance! Why are we condemned to live in a world where IHOP doesn't deliver?

_mattie Dairy farming expenses? Railroad investments? Mining depreciation? Apparently I'm filling out IRS Form 1040-OldTimey.

scottsimpson "Half Marathon" seems unfairly diminutive. It should be called a "Ten Miles Farther Than Your Fat Ass Can Run."

essdogg If you ever want to turn a roomful of 3-year-olds into a violent mob, just make a joke about eating all the cake yourself.

FakeAPStylebook Use "gay" or "lesbian" to refer to people, "alternative lifestyle" to refer to Trekkies and Twilight fans.

JephKelley With the free Wi-Fi, I could work out of a Panera if they put a supply closet near the coffee stand so I can still steal pens and stuff.

FakeAPStylebook hyphen - SERIOUSLY, THE HYPHEN IS ONE OF THE BEST PUNCTUATION MARKS EVER-- SEE? AWESOME.

JephKelley One of life's biggest mysteries to me is why socks always disappear in the washer and dryer, and I'm also not sure where babies come from.

wordlust Sometimes a friendship is ruined by the smallest things, like feeding ants to babies.

scottsimpson If the name of your disease has an umlaut in it, you're fucked.

thedayhascome Just trimming my nose hair and drinking a soy latte. Damn it feels good to be a gangsta.

Remiel You can fool some of the people some of the time. So just fool those people into eating the other people, and you win.

sween Just saw a co-worker at the supermarket and had a nice long talk about what's going on in her life lol jk I hid behind the potatoes.

secretsquirrel A burly, angry man installs our new washing machine. I try to appear unintimidated. "I know all the maths!" I shout, and flail out the room.

JephKelley What kind of empty, lifeless shell of a person buys unfrosted Pop-Tarts? Do these people feel pleasure? Or do they only experience pain?

KatyDidSays Getting new glasses today. I want a pair that say, "Smart, together and hip." As opposed to, "Nerdy. Watches PBS with cats. Bedtime: 9 p.m."

hollyburns Look, I am not a bad person, but I am having to sit on my hands to restrain from physically punching you.

rafitorres Fact: It's only after the third round of Public Restroom Macarena that you realize the motion-activated towel dispenser is broken.

MooeyTie When stating "six of one, half dozen of another" to illustrate similarities, following up with doughnuts will really drive things home.

Dogphorisms All I want to do with squirrels is *talk* to them & learn about their amazing culture. Swear to God!

hotdogsladies Might be years before the boys on my block realize dressing alike makes them look less like a gang than a gay pride float.

MooeyTie There are more embarrassing things than getting caught belting out "Philadelphia Freedom" by a group of 16 year olds, right? Lie to me.

wordlust One way to teach your children the value of money is to sell them on Craigslist.

thedayhascome Even when you're playing opposite day with your wife, it's still not a good idea to tell her she looks fat.

gknauss The guy who decided that crab legs are romantic gets a handshake for the great prank and then punch in the face for putting me through that.

gknauss At some point you give up trying to control the kids and just accept the fact that you're the redneck family at the fancy restaurant.

JephKelley I bet Billy Joel only needs to type in "Cad" before his phone's dictionary chimes in and recommends "Cadillac-ac-ac-ac-ac-ac."

sween Mardi Gras in Canada is annoying. The beads get tangled in the moose's antlers and they cry and who wants to look at a crying moose's boobs?

wordlust I bet it was hard to get taken seriously as a Viking if you pillaged, even once, in bunny slippers.

CranberryPerson We sent our 6 year old to bed for complaining about dinner, so he slept for 12 hours and didn't have to eat vegetables. THAT'LL TEACH HIM.

phyllisstein Maybe I spend too much time matching celebrities up for imaginary gay relationships, but don't Ices Cube and T seem so right for each other?

FakeAPStylebook Flyover states - Areas of the United States lacking in Disney parks or Baldwin brothers.

scottsimpson He asks for my discount card. I fumble around and hand him a snapshot of my family, then we laugh and laugh. My male prostitute gets me.

phillygirl Now, in NYC, my best girls from home are out for drinks with my man. I feel a mix of utter happiness & OH MY GOD DON'T YOU TELL THAT STORY!

hollyburns When IM-ing your sister "show me the dress you wore," it's advisable not to accidentally put an extra "h" in "wore."

CranberryPerson I think this is the perfect birthday to get my son a bunch of books, because he is going to be seven and therefore can't punch that hard.

shitmydadsays "A parent's only as good as their dumbest kid. If one wins a Nobel Prize but the other gets robbed by a hooker, you failed."

rafitorres What doesn't kill you makes you send her flowers and apologize really hard.

ChristFinnegan GOP pundits, you can't portray Obama as a threat to our way of life and then, 90 seconds later, call him "more of the same". Pick one.

JimGaffigan I wish all fish tasted like goldfish crackers.

ChristFinnegan At an outdoor mall in Miami, where a reggae band is playing outside the Burberry store, just as Bob Marley would've wanted.

fireland Wrote MARRY ME in flames on her front lawn but then the wind picked up and oh god it was horrible just horrible

scottsimpson The bank owns a good chunk of this house but hasn't once taken out the garbage. Worst roommate ever.

ChristFinnegan I think handguns should be banned, but every citizen should be issued either Chinese throwing stars or a book of spells (your choice).

strutting The lady shoving in line clearly knows something I don't. Is this the day they give out a golden transfer for being first onto the bus?

StephenAtHome man did i wake up on the wrong side of the bed today. i need to remember not to fall asleep on the side facing the rabid raccoon den

scottsimpson Lots of people think I squandered that third wish, but I've been saved countless times by farts with that new car smell.

emilybrianna My personal trainer eyes me with concern. "You look nauseous," she observes. "Nauseated," I correct her. So obviously superior in every way.

CranberryPerson He doesn't know the word hypocrisy, but when I glance up from my blackberry to tell him he plays too much Wii, he probably gets the concept.

MikeyADHD YOU MEAN ALL I HAVE TO DO TO WORK AT MCDONALDS IS NOT DO MY HOMEWORK ANYMORE?

emilybrianna QUINN:[runs through house despite my constant nagging] ME: Can you guess what I'm about to say to you? QUINN: That I'm good at making boats?

adamisacson My cat purrs and rubs against me when he's about to be fed. I'm glad I don't do that. The guy behind the Subway counter has it bad enough.

thedayhascome Trying to exercise more. Just burned 100 calories shaking the vending machine for the Baby Ruth that's RIGHTFULLY MINE.

MooeyTie I rode an electric cart at WalMart today to see what I was missing. Apparently a lot of malicious stares and an inability to reach the soup.

And a special collection of some of my favorite Olympics-related twitters:

(Stephen Colbert) StephenAtHome i'm in vancouver. up here they call it "twitteur"

StephenAtHome what i've learned so far in canada: resist the urge to strip naked at karaoke bars and announce that you're doing this one "full mountie"

(Neil Patrick Harris) ActuallyNPH I friggin' love the Olympics. I never thought I could care so much for people or sports that I just learned about six minutes beforehand.

StephenAtHome i think there should be a version of figure skating with hurdles

During the nail-biter of a hockey game: sween I'M POOPING MY PANTS I MEAN I'M PUKING MY PANTS I MEAN I'M PEEING MY PANTS I REALLY DONT WANT THESE PANTS ANYMORE.

essdogg Russia spent all of their money on this show so the 2014 Olympic Village will be the couch in your mom's basement.

FakeAPStylebook When writing about girl sports, remember to pretend they're as important as real sports or we'll get letters.