Jun. 25: Witty twitters

A couple of the entertainment-y blogs I follow regularly post a collection of celebrity twitters and I think they’re annoying as hell because most of these celebrities think they’re being funny but they’re not. Most of them need more than 140 characters to adequately express their true humor, or maybe they just need script writers. Or maybe they’re not trying to be funny at all. That could be it.

Of the celebrity twitterers I actually follow—the ones who are really, truly, who they claim to be—I think Jim Gaffigan is my favorite (duh). The other is Rainn Wilson (Dwight on The Office), who is probably more consistently funny than most celebrity twitterers, and even that is questionable; lately he re-tweets more than he writes original stuff.

Rather than share a boring collection of twitters from people you’ve heard of, I’m going to share a collection of amusing twitters from people you’ve probably never heard of. They’re way, way cooler. Links go to their twitter pages, where you can add them to your “follow” list. You shall not regret it.

Here are some of my favorite tweets from the past couple months.

gknauss Where would we be without big family gatherings? Some place happier, is my guess. Maybe we'd be taking a nap.

KatyDidSays Nephew threw a rock on my foot. I didn't punch him, but I did spike his juice with vodka. We'll see how he likes walking into walls.

secretsquirrel To the next guy who finds the cool telescope I fashioned out of toilet-roll cardboard tubes in the bathroom: you're welcome.

CcSteff Niece pops up from behind a chair and says "Here I am." Teaching her to follow it up with "Rock you like a hurricane."

strutting Point a gun at one person and you're a gunman. Menace 20 people with a churro and the damned local news still won't call you a churroman.

essdogg Only one thing could make me anti-gay marriage: David Gest outing himself and marrying Perez Hilton. Just imagine their poodles. *shudder*

fireland Woke up early and went for a run. Never thought I'd write those words but I also never thought the cops would find my meth lab.

secretsquirrel Blessed are the meek, for where the hell else would I get my lunch money.

jimgaffigan Ever seen someone on a unicycle and not wanted to push them over?

essdogg Boy: "I want candy." Me: "How about raisins?" Boy: "How about candy?" Dear Science: I believe I have isolated the smartass gene.

meowrey Lady walking behind me kept saying, "Good girl, good girl," over and over. I know she was probably talking to her dog, but I feel affirmed.

lonelysandwich I admire your healthy lifestyle. Which sort of makes me just as healthy as you, so get over yourself.

Moltz Came to the office clean-shaven for the first time in years. People were surprised. Mostly by the chaps, but how else would I show it off?

thedayhascome I've noticed the neighbor watch me undress and each time I think he's about to let me in, he opens the window and punches me off the ladder.

secretsquirrel Wasabi & toothpaste: it's like a party in my mouth and someone vomited in the lounge, then killed a stripper with a rake. Trust me on this.

essdogg If my wife didn't want me using the guest bathroom she shouldn't have made it so damn tranquil.

emilybrianna No matter how hard I try to make this the most traumatic event our family has ever endured, Quinn thinks his head lice are HILARIOUS.

fireland OK don't freak out, but someone broke into the house, ate all the ice cream, smashed that picture of your mother, and didn't do the dishes.

Moltz Karen: He had the dog locked in the basement and was spraying him with water through the cat door! Me: Ha-ha! [pause] Uh, I mean, *Hank!*

Moltz I'm *sorry*, ma'am, but if you don't want me to say "suck" around your child might I suggest you not dress him in a Yankees shirt. [Please replace “Yankees” with your own very hated team. –Jen]

gordonshumway I just ate a McGriddle and drank a large McCafe iced coffee, so I should be enjoying my first McAneurysm before lunch.

robcorddry Watching both kids. When people say "they grow up so fast" I want to slap them right in their bad memory.

Fine, you’re still interested in celebrity twitterers? You can find a whole bunch of ‘em at CelebrityTweet.