Jul. 15: Mini-vacay report

Do you hate when people say “vacay”? I kinda do too.

We just got home from a week in Southern Oregon and boy, are our arms tired!

(That is a very stupid joke. It doesn’t even make sense, because we didn’t fly to Southern Oregon, and I didn’t even suggest we flew in the sentence and let’s just start over, mmmkay?)

Last week we went to Southern Oregon. It was the vacation we took instead of going to San Francisco (the certainty of having to deal with crowds of America’s Cup watchers kept us away), and we really had a great time. Here’s how:

Saturday

Our goal on this trip was to find out if this book was science fiction:

Here we go…

We left home and drove to Medford. My mom lives there, in case you haven’t been paying attention. We sometimes call her “Mother Mary,” in case you haven’t been paying attention to that either. That evening we hung out at Mother Mary’s comfy and welcoming house, ran some errands, and not a whole lot else. Why is driving so exhausting, even as passengers? Vic wondered that aloud. More than once.

Sunday

A break from all that time in the car was in order, so we stayed in town all day. We went to Despicable Me 2. The kids and I had gone the week before, but Vic and Mom hadn’t; the movie is super-fun and definitely worth seeing more than once. Afterward we had lunch at Kaleidoscope Pizza. I’m sure there are similar pizza places in Portland and I definitely want to find them because YUM.

Monday

We got up early and headed to Brookings, which is on the southern Oregon coast. I hadn’t been there since I was a kid and didn’t realize that the best (only?) route there from Medford is through California. How weird is that? We drove north to Grants Pass, southwest across the state border to Crescent City, and back up north to Brookings. It’s cocoa for cuckoo poops, that’s what it is.

We drove along the very edge of the Redwoods and were tempted to drive a bit farther south to drive through that one tree, but stayed on course to the beach instead. We thought the weather would be better there. We are bad interpreters of weather forecasts.

Harris Beach is beautiful, at least it appeared to be when we could see through all the fog. The skies were disappointing, yes, but generally, the weather was warm so we didn’t mind much. I even got a sunburn, proving that clouds and fogs do not mean sunscreen is unnecessary. Katie and Jack did lots of wave-jumping and sand-throwing, and the dogs enjoyed romping up and down the coast.

It really was a fantastic day, and we were slightly pleased to find the southern coast weather as unreliable as the areas we visit on the central and northern parts of the coast. But our love of Harris Beach waned a few days later, when we saw this news item:

Health advisory lifted at Harris Beach

July 13, 2013

A public health advisory warning against water contact at Harris Beach was lifted Friday by the Oregon Health Authority, according to a news release.

The advisory was issued July 1 after water samples showed higher-than-normal levels of fecal bacteria at the east end of Goat Island in Curry County.

Recent samples taken by the Oregon Department of Environmental Quality showed bacteria levels had subsided and the water no longer posed a higher-than-normal risk, the release said.

But officials recommendeded [sic] staying out of large pools and runoff from water frequented by birds, whose waste was believed to be the source of the contamination.

The Oregon Beach Monitoring Program monitors the waters along Oregon's coastline for the presence of fecal bacteria annually from Labor Day through Memorial Day.

Marine waters are tested for enterococcus, which is an indicator of the presence of other bacteria. Enterococcus is present in human and animal waste.

Fecal bacteria can cause anything from diarrhea and stomach cramps to skin rashes or no reaction at all, but it is the largest threat to the elderly, children and those more vulnerable to waterborne bacteria.

Source: http://www.mailtribune.com/apps/pbcs.dll/article?AID=/20130713/NEWS07/307130328

Fecal bacteria levels were higher than normal? There are acceptable levels??? Yikes.

Vic and I researched Trip Advisor extensively to find the best places to visit on the southern coast, but we didn’t think to check recent news reports. [sing-song voice] Geniuses! But really, shouldn’t there have been a bunch of warning signs posted along the beach if we were supposed to stay out of the water? We didn’t see a single one.

Fortunately, none of us have been stricken with E. coli poisoning. Whew.

One of the coolest parts about this trip—and the beach was lovely, it really was—involved a liquor store just over the California border. If you Google a phrase like “why is alcohol cheaper in California” you’ll find a variety of ideas and even contradictions; all I know is that, for the most part, the liquor store outlets near the California-Oregon border had much better prices than I’ve ever seen at home. Mother Mary and I stocked up like the world’s about to end and we want to be drunk when it does. Or maybe we were buying in preparation for the Global Booze Wars. Those are happening, right? We be ready.

Tuesday

Mom took us to see My Fair Lady at the Oregon Shakespearean Festival. Anthony Heald played Eliza’s father and stole every scene he was in. What a hoot! Most of us know this actor from his baddie roles in Silence of the Lambs and tons of other movies and TV shows, but who knew that is actually quite delightful and can sing and dance, often at the same time?*

The show was spectacular. Somewhat sadly—but just somewhat—our kids recognized much of the music from the particularly hilarious My Fair Laddy episode of The Simpsons. In other words, Jack didn’t hate My Fair Lady. If you ask him to sing anything from it, though, you’ll hear “Wouldn’t It Be Adequate,” “I’m Gettin’ Blue Pants in the Morning,” and “In the Shack Where You Live.” Sorry. There’s only so much culture I can try to pound into that kid.

After the show, Mom treated us to a delicious dinner at Larks Home Kitchen Cuisine, the restaurant in Ashland Springs Hotel. Ten thumbs up.

I love Ashland, and there are lots of eateries worth a try, but here’s something I don’t understand: why do so many restaurants refuse to split checks? Larks actually had it printed at the bottom of their menu that they have a one-check-per-table policy. Is it really that much extra effort for them? And wouldn’t you think they should be willing to split checks just to please their customers, many of whom visit Ashland in large groups? Servers will inevitably get bigger tips that way, right? Puzzling.

Wednesday

Back to California! We left the dogs at home this time, and headed down I-5 to the Shasta area, touring Shasta Dam and appreciating shady parking spots and our vehicle’s powerful A/C. It was H-O-T HOT in them parts. Beautiful scenery though.

Since we were a handful of miles from Redding and the northernmost In-n-Out Burger, we went a leeetle bit out of our way for lunch. Those of us who ordered cheeseburgers were glad to make the detour. And did we stop at a liquor store before crossing back into Oregon? You bet your sweet open container ass we did!

The really memorable thing about the day was doing things we’d (mostly) not done before. I mean, how many times have we seen the sign to Shasta Dam/Lake from I-5 and thought “We should do that someday”? Too many times.

Thursday

We had tentatively planned to go back to Portland on Thursday, but Mom convinced us to stay for one more day of relaxation. We spent the hot morning in Auntie Donna’s pool and then went out for lunch, came home and watched the first two Iron Man movies, Life of Pi, and the film version of My Fair Lady. Except for the packing-up-to-go-home part, it was a bonus day of even more vacation fun.

Friday

We drove back north. ‘Twas a long and boring drive, but sooo worth it for our week of vacation with Mother Mary. Thank you, Mom, for hosting us!

Conclusion: this book had some excellent ideas for family activities. Not science fiction-y at all.

---

Since we’ve been home, the list of things we hoped to get done over the weekend mostly went undone. Today Vic is back to work and I’m doing all our vacation laundry. Blech.

*Lyric lifted from Spamalot and shamelessly paraphrased. I apologize.

Jul. 1: June in review

Shoulda posted this yesterday. Oops.

Special days I celebrated this month and how:

• The last day of school on June 14. From what I remember, it was a good time.
• Mother Mary’s birthday. We took her out for lunch but that’s about it. Bad Jen.
• Father’s Day. I don’t remember how we celebrated. Wow. I’m a terrible daughter and wife.

Gifts I gave and/or received this month:

• End-of-the-school-year parting gifts from friends. Such sweet surprises!
• Mother Mary’s birthday gift was a slightly customized version of this bracelet. I got myself a matching one. The etsy seller has some really fun items—she’s my new favorite. 

Books I read this month:

• Why Moms Are Weird, again, by Pamela Ribon. I so enjoy the way she weaves stories.
• Forget About It, by Caprice Crane. Very light, but cute.
• Angels & Demons, by Dan Brown. A page-turner.
• The Girls’ Guide to Hunting & Fishing, by Melissa Bank. Fun read.

Movies and TV shows worth mentioning:

• Katie and I saw Brave. Loveliness.
• I Redboxed Jeff, Who Lives at Home. Great cast, so-so movie.

New recipes or restaurants I tried:

• The kids and I had breakfast at IKEA. I like some of their regular food, but had never tried their breakfast before. It was delicious. Totally cheap and way yummy.
• I made key lime cake balls. More accurately, they were cookie balls. Or truffles. Yes, truffles sounds better. Key Lime Truffles. Here’s the closest thing to the recipe I ended up using. They were pretty good, but I will definitely add more lime juice next time to cut the crazy-sweetness.

Special or unusual purchases I made:

• We bought two tents for using at Relay for Life this year. I never thought I’d own a tent, since I hate camping so, so, so much, but THANK BUDDHA the North Clackamas Relay isn’t in the wilderness. With air mattresses and my favorite down comforter, I be way cozy, but JUST FOR ONE NIGHT. Then I go back to having a nighttime restroom closer than a half-lap away.
• I bought the supplies for our Lap Beads Relay for Life fundraiser. My fingers are sore from adding jump rings to eleventy billion charms and lobster clasps.
• Floats! I floated! I’ve pre-purchased four more floats; just the idea that I have them available to me at any time is relaxing all by itself. That’s weird, isn’t it?

This month’s disappointments:

• We had to send Oliver away. Sad face.
• June 7, the anniversary of my dad’s death, is always a tough day. It’s been seven years.
• The weather. Ugh. We’ve had a few perfect and gorgeous days, but they’ve been unpredictable, with way, way too much rain and cold.
• Sunshine visited, but then she left again.

My accomplishments:

• My office is in a usable state again! Lucy’s got roaming rights to the entire house now, so I don’t have to be downstairs all the time and that means I’m pretty much living in my office. I like. I like very much. It’s a happy place.
• I made planning calendars all pretty-like. Picture proof to come.
• I lived through the school year. That’s big.

Anything else noteworthy:

• Katie and Jack had their piano recitals—Katie’s fifth, Jack’s third. They’re both doing so well and really enjoy it—though if you ask Jack, he’ll deny it. Katie is starting guitar now, and I’m sooo glad it’s not violin. Early guitar practice, even when the notes are wrong, is much less likely to make my ears bleed than anything as vile as a violin. Vile-lin. THAT’S what it should be called.
• One of Katie’s electives for the last term of sixth grade was Musical Theater. I don’t know why they called it that, because there was nothing musical about it. The class went to a high school play—not a musical, just a regular ol’ play—and their big performance at the end of the term was changed from an evening program to a during-class performance; most parents couldn’t even be there. We took off work to watch, and I was surprised at how unprepared the students were—they didn’t have props or microphones when they needed them, didn’t know their lines, and the whole thing was as though they were doing it for the first time. I don’t expect perfection, but I don’t see what guidance the teacher gave them at all. I was disappointed with what could have been a very fun learning experience for them.
  
  This wasn’t the only meaningless middle school elective, though… my friend’s daughter took a sewing class in which the only project was one of those no-sew fleece pillows. WTF???
• I finally figured out how to get Jack to clean up his room: ground him. Unfortunately, he thought it was kinda cool to be grounded, so it took him a week to clean enough to be set free. Whatever… it’s done. We had to go through his garbage carefully, though. Where Katie keeps every scrap of paper EVER (oh, how I wish I were exaggerating), Jack throws out old yearbooks, pictures, books he wrote in first grade, and clothes. Sheesh.

Here’s to a sunny July! Smell ya later, doods.

Feb. 27: February summary

It’s been forever since I’ve done a month recap, but the timing seems right.

Special days I celebrated this month and how:

Well, there was Katie’s birthday (recapped here—dinner at Grandpa & Grandma’s, sleepover with friend, manicures and shopping) and Valentine’s Day (recapped here and here—most celebratory thing was B&tB). Our 15th anniversary was last week. Victor took the day off and we had breakfast together at Carver Café—in spite of Twilight, not because of it. We’re going to celebrate bigger than breakfast soon, hopefully getting out of town for a couple nights. To the coast? Seattle? The mountains? We have no idea yet.

Gifts I gave and/or received this month:

For Katie’s birthday, she got shoes and her party.

Vic and the kids gave me flowers for Valentine’s Day.

They don’t really counts as gifts, but we won two of the raffle baskets at our school carnival Saturday night—Oregon Ducks and Dental Care (possibly provided by this dentist, but I’m confirming nothing). Right now there is an awful lot of yell-o and green in our house, but it’s certainly not on our teeth—they’re clean as can be!

And lookie here, I gotta rant for ya:

We heard rumors that some people were suspicious that a PTO board member won a basket. I wasn’t the only PTO winner—Sharon, Wendy, and Adam’s families won baskets too. We planned the drawings carefully to show that PTO had no advantage, so if someone still thought we were cheater-cheater-pumpkin-eaters, they’re just jerks. People also might not have considered that we on the PTO bought hundreds of raffle tickets, so, y’know, odds were in the favor of everyone who did that. Duh.

And then there were people like Dina, conspiracy theorist extraordinaire, who tried to convince everyone around her of a vast and devious PTO cover-up. Nice try, Dina! Good thing no one ever listens to you.

Also, Jenn K’s family won the Disneyland passes. I call shenanigans on that one, but only because I’m sooo jealous.

Books I read this month:

The Red Garden, by Alice Hoffman. Out of Oz, by Gregory Maguire. It’s supposedly the final of the Wicked series. I’m halfway through and still waiting for it to get interesting. The other night I bought a new Chris Bohjalian book that I might just dump Out of Oz to start reading.

Movies and TV shows worth mentioning:

No movies, really. I am LOVING Downton Abbey, and watching Season 2 as slowly as I can because I know I’ll go through withdrawals until Season 3 begins later this year. I’m balancing it with silliness like Suburgatory and fun like Smash, along with the other sitcoms I’ve watched for years. Toss in a little Grimm and SVU and I’m good.

New recipes or restaurants I tried:

On Facebook last weekend, I posted a picture of a new potato recipe I was attempting: Hasselback Potatoes (or, as I prefer, Hasselhoff Taters). They were pretty good, but I want to work on variations to make them special-er. But ultimately, they’re potatoes, so how can they be bad?

Special or unusual purchases I made:

It’s not every month I buy 48 whoopee cushions... Yes, stocking the carnival prize room was some very fun shopping for Jen.

This month’s disappointments:

I hate Express Scripts (mail order prescription service) so much I wish I could shoot surly bumblebees ass-first at them through the phone. Besides being complete morons, they have the most archaic system EVER. Dealing with them is so painful EVERY TIME. Effers.

Also disappointing is that we didn’t win that Disneyland basket Saturday night. I curse the kid who drew Jenn K’s family as the winner! (Not really. It was a totally nice kid.)

My accomplishments:

Well, planning our school carnival wasn’t my doing alone, but it feels good that I helped make it happen, and that it’s over and people enjoyed themselves.

Met some deadlines at work, blah blah blah…

Facilitated one of our best PTO member meetings yet—we spent $10,000! It was exciting to see how much good our little group can do.

Anything else noteworthy:

Crocuses are blooming! Daffodils and tulips are sprouting! That means spring is on its way! Just ignore that weird ice/snow that was on the ground this morning! It means nothing! Winter, be gone witcha!

That’s all I got.

Nov. 7: Still here

I’m fine, really. I haven’t written for a while because I’ve been busy and uninspired and tired and my brain is foggy from overuse. Stop laughing, it’s true. Here’s what I’ve been doing since I last wrote:

1. Decorated for Halloween (nothing like waiting until the last minute)
2. Took Jack for a long-overdue haircut
3. Went to the Shaws’ rockin’ Halloween party
4. Handed out candy to trick-or-treaters—my favorite part of Halloween
5. Went to two doctor appointments (by the way, I found a new primary care physician and I like her and best of all, I won’t ever have to see Dr. Jackass again!)
6. Ran errands with Sunshine and—oh look! There’s that yummy Thai restaurant! We better go! I mean, since we’re out already ‘n stuff…
7. Had chemo #17
8. Found out my blood pressure is scary-high
9. Got the new Amy Sedaris book
10. Voted (everyone I voted for won, jus’ sayin’)
11. PTO board meeting
12. Restaurant night fundraiser at the Ram—it rocked!
13. Took Jack to football practice
14. Made signs and posters and flyers, oh my!
15. Got medication for my blood pressure and it quickly went to a not-even-a-teensy-bit-scary zone. Whew.
16. Went to Divine for Caramel Apple frozen yogurt, where Val and Sunshine and I were tempted to abandon our unruly spawn
17. With my fellow board members, announced all the big Jogathon winners at Friday Morning Meeting—OMG, so much fun!
18. Made a bazillion Italian sodas for kids at school as prizes for Jogathon
19. Went to Jack’s football game, which his team won, which means that of all the teams that suck, they suck the least
20. Shopped for more Italian soda supplies, and knocked five bottles of club soda off my cart on my way out of the store, which then rolled across the parking lot. Embarrassing? Naaaaahhh.
21. Made more Italian sodas for kids at Movie Night at the school, where five bottles of club soda a-sploded when Victor opened them. It was not funny. It wasn’t.
22. Drank a delicious blueberry lemonade concoction that I can’t stop thinking about and kinda want to marry
23. Was reminded of my good luck in life to have such amazing, supportive, fun friends
24. Slept in. Aaaaahhh.

I think I deserve a day of do-nothing-ness. That day might just be today. TTFN.

Aug. 6: IDCEAYWTPFriday

It’s Friday, and that means you get a post called I Don’t Care Enough About You to Write in Transitioning Paragraphs Friday.

• This morning Katie and Jack stood and outside their rooms and argued. Jack said, “My [decorated] door looks cooler than your door.” Katie came back with, “My door is better organized.” Is that my girl, or what? Also, kind of a Miss Hospital Corners. So, y’know… yikes.
• Gilly is here with us for a couple weeks while Mom gallivants around the Northwest. The neighbor kids know Gilly now that he’s been here several times, so he gets to have mini-reunions every time our doorbell rings, which he loves more than a little bit. Earlier this week we walked him over to Fancy Lori™’s neighborhood for a play date with her puppy, Fancy Charlie™. How well it went depends on who you ask. We two-leggeds loved watching the dogs romp and chase. Gilly seemed a bit stressed over Charlie’s occasional over-exuberance. Charlie liked messin’ with Gilly except when Gilly tried to get his treats. Then Charlie became Snarly Charlie™, and who could blame him? They were LIVER treats. We’re hoping to get together again before Gilly leaves for more bark-y fun.
• Last night we came home early from dinner out with the fam because I was feeling so tired and needed to rest. About 20 minutes after I got home, Sunshine called and said she was kid-free and being impulsive and wanted to go to a movie. I got a burst of energy, I guess, because I got so excited to do something outside of my own house after 9:00, I said YES!!! without even thinking. Ten minutes after I got home I thought I’d collapse. I’m sure I’ll be paying for this adventure all day today, but it was tons o’ fun.
• The movie we saw was Charlie St. Cloud, starring the very yummy Zac Efron. [Attention: if you are Sheila R, stop reading now or you’ll be sick. Everyone else is allowed to continue.] Sunshine and I both have the extreme cougar hots for Zac. I still haven’t figured out exactly what I thought of the movie, but I will say this: the lighting people did a VERY good job making Zac look all aglow in every scene. I imagine that’s how he and I would look in our everyday lives if I was 20 years younger and he met me and he loved me back and I had hair. Perfectly, attractively lit at all times. Yes, I’m quite sure.
• Jack starts flag football next week. He’s been dying to do this. He thinks he’s already awesome at football and I don’t have the heart to tell him he throws like a girl. No, he throws like Nana. If she were Stevie Wonder. I don’t really care if he ends up sucking at football; I’m glad he wants to try and just hope it doesn’t turn into another soccer experience. Jack ROCKED at soccer but hated the game.
• This was a week of eating in many restaurants. It was pretty great. Kim F’n, Sunshine and I had lunch out on Wednesday, and later Victor and I had date night. Yesterday Mom took us out to Biscuits Café for lunch—I had the OMG Eggs Benedict Corned Beef Hash (I added the ‘OMG’ because OMG, it was delicious)—and we belatedly celebrated Daryl’s birthday at yet another restaurant. So much good food! So much good company! Also, some tiny hands.
  
  
  I had the pastrami fries at Kenny & Zuke’s. I ate approximately one-third before I gave up. That’s some serious meat and potatoes there! Sooo good, though. Love that deli.
• In spite of all appearances otherwise, I’ve been feeling pretty crappy this past week. I’m so, so tired. I’ve also been having more trouble with numbness and tingling in my left hand. I can’t lift heavy things, and my thumb is especially hard to use. I joked earlier about it being an iPhone injury, but have since changed the way I hold my phone and use the computer, and I’m still having the problems. Hopefully I can find some resolution next week at chemo. I don’t have an appointment to see the oncologist, but the chemo nurses can ask her questions for me anyway.
• We have a busy weekend ahead. The kids are going to Grandpa & Grandma’s for one last sleepover with Presley tonight. Victor’s working both Saturday and Sunday, which is not so great, but that means he’ll have at least one day off next week. With all the hours being cut at the hospital, I guess it’s good that he has the chance to pick up an extra shift here and there. We have a wedding to go to Saturday evening. Mom will be back sometime on Sunday and will hang with us for a few days before venturing off yonder again.
• Two of my favorite photos from this week:

Sunshine, me and Kim F’n having a girls’ lunch out
That there on either side of me are two of my favorite peoples!

Mother Mary is eating pig! PIG! And she’s not being struck by lightning!
(She always made me think I’d be struck by lightning if I ate bacon.)
(Because she used to be a little nutty.)

Have a great weekend! Many, many lovies—

May 30: Girl-y weekend

Ah, how good it feels!  The hand of an old friend.  ~Henry Wadsworth Longfellow

I had a fabulous weekend, and I’m exhausted, and I’m extra-glad that tomorrow’s a holiday so I have time to recuperate a bit before the busy-ness of a new week begins.

Yesterday afternoon April and I met up with our Boise girls, Deanna and Debi. They drove over to Portland for the long weekend and invited us to join them at their hotel downtown. We’ve all been friends since high school, and it had been way too long since we’d been together. We sat in their room and chatted for a while and then walked down to Kenny & Zuke’s for an amazing meal of pastrami Reubens. More chatting was followed by a walk back to the hotel and delightfully delicious cocktails, prepared by Debi. In case you were unaware, Debi is the best person EVER to have near a liquor cabinet.

TANGENT: Debi is the booze wench who came up with the infamous Dew-Mi. There are many other drinks she’s created for me in the past, but they were so good I don’t remember them. Last night she played bartender—the girls had packed a small stash for Portland, lucky us!—and although I don’t think she set out to create a memorable new cocktail, that’s exactly what she did. A li’l bit of Absolut berri açaí, some Rose’s lime juice, and tonic, poured over ice, and I SWEAR TO YOU, it tasted like gummy bears! We still need a good name for it; suggestions are welcome.

Funny that we were all grateful for time away from our kids, but we talked about them more than anything else. Isn’t that just the way it goes? Of course, there was also much talk of our incredibly supportive and helpful husbands who single-parented for the weekend so we could be together. We love them! We adore them! We owe them big-time!

Of the four of us, three of us got a decent night’s sleep. Poor ______ had to deal with the other three’s snoring, and that’s all I’m gonna say about that.

I cannot even imagine where I would be today were it not for that handful of friends who have given me a heart full of joy. Let’s face it, friends make life a lot more fun.

This morning Deanna, Debi and I said good-bye to April—she had plans with her family—and walked down to Mother’s Bistro & Bar, where we enjoyed an amazing brunch.

ANOTHER TANGENT: You’ve heard my thoughts on the two Portland Lisa Schroeders—one is the nice, sweet, author friend of mine, and the other is the evil, screaming chef who screwed my 20th high school reunion. I just gotta say, Chef Lisa’s food is so delicious, you can almost forget she’s the Devil Incarnate. I hate being supportive of mean people, but I’m making an exception here. Soooo good.

Then came the shopping. Exciting news: Debi, Deanna, and I all have matching shoes now. This makes us utterly precious, doesn’t it? But these are super-duper cute shoes, right? And who could resist the bargain we found on them? Certainly not us.

Totally comfy. And did I mention PRECIOUS? Yes, we’re dorks.

It is one of the blessings of old friends that you can afford to be stupid with them.  ~Ralph Waldo Emerson

I won’t bore you with photos of everything else we bought, but we totally wore ourselves out carrying all the heavy shopping bags. Our weekend together was short but cram-packed with treasures. We laughed and laughed so much. We shared silly and frustrating things about our kids, our friends, our coworkers. We used the “cancer card” whenever the opportunity came up. Many stories were prefaced with a strict order that “this is not for the blog!” (I think my friends don’t entirely trust me). We saw lots of volleyball players who completely ignored us. Some of our more frequently used phrases:

• “…and it comes with a free cat toy!” (thank you, Trevor)
• “sugar-lumps” (thank you, hilarious Flight of the Conchords song)
• “Obama lover” (thank you, some jackass Debi knows)
• “But… I have (she has) cancer!” (thank you, cancer)
• “I’m a bagel! I can do it myself!” (thank you, Dorothy)

Best of all, we completely enjoyed our time together, catching up and reminiscing. There’s nothing like old friends.

Good friends are good for your health. ~Irwin Sarason

Jun. 10: I *am* a Lifetime movie

The good thing about today: I got to go to a David Sedaris reading with two friends. It was over-crowded but still a lot of fun. Everything he read was stuff he’d read at his Eugene show in April—though that reading was quite a bit longer—but he had all sorts of new breast milk stories. They made us think “yikes.” We ended our evening with dinner at Cheesecake Factory, and THAT, my friends, is what I call a perfect evening.

The bad thing about today: I fell on my face. Literally.

This afternoon I was recycling like a good earth-lover and on the way back in from the garage, I tripped. Don’t worry, my chin broke my fall. The first thing I thought was “Oh no! I’m going to miss David Sedaris!” and the second thing I thought was “Oh no! I broke all my teeth!” Glad to see I have my priorities straight. First, laughs. Second, dentistry.

Fortunately, I didn’t break a single tooth. I did, however, scrape up my arms, knees, and face. I ache all over like I’m super old, like 44 or something. And the garage floor no longer needs to be swept, because all the little rocks and dirt are now embedded in my flesh. I wish I was kidding.

Oh, how I wish I was kidding.

This photo just doesn’t do my injury justice. The chin bruise is the worst looking one, but there are some on my nose and near my eye too. And you can’t really see my ego very well, but I assure you it is also bruised. The fact that I look like a woman who’s been battered by her abusive husband is just icing on the cake.

Tonight I got a voice mail from my mom in which she was giggling so hard, I couldn’t tell if she was saying she one-upped me because she dropped the treadmill on her toe or she one-upped me because she dropped the treadmill on her nose. Please clarify, Mom, because one makes me feel kinda bad for you, and the other just makes me embarrassed to claim you.

May 6: Taste tests

I get to cross another thing off the list of 100 foods everyone should try in their lifetime. I’m up to a whopping 35/100 now because I ate Kobe beef when I dined at Papa Haydn the other night.

But wait, there’s more! I also ate Brussels sprouts. To quote my beloved Heimlich, “I know, I cannot believe it also!”

My memory of previous attempts to eat Brussels sprouts bring to mind a distinct flavor of body odor, so I was not looking forward to eating them again. However, when I ordered the Kobe beef I forgot to ask if they could substitute the Brussels sprouts for a vegetable that doesn’t taste like gym stink, and there they were when my steak showed up.

(I cut up a piece of steak before I thought to take a picture of my plate, so this is not as pretty as when it was first set in front of me. Oh well. Those are Purple Peruvian and Russian Banana fingerling potatoes under the beef. The sprouts were smallish, like the size of walnuts.)

First, the beef: it was more tender than the finest filet mignon I’ve ever had. It was more flavorful, too, and the texture was less dense. Perfection, absolute perfection. It must be all the beer and sake massages they give those cows in Japan. I don’t see Kobe beef on a lot of menus, but I’ll definitely order it again when I get the chance.

And the sprouts, well, the sprouts were surprisingly edible. In fact, I liked them more than the potatoes, which were a little bit dry. I didn’t LOVE the sprouts, but I think I could eat them again without thinking of that one guy who always came to business law class after playing racquetball and not showering.

Apr. 7: It’s April 7

5 Things Happening in My Life That Do Not Deserve Further Explanation

1. I remembered to wear a bra to the PTO board meeting tonight. I’m still not sure I want these people to nominate me to join the board, but at least I managed to present myself as a decent human being.
2. Until yesterday I had never eaten at a Panera Bread before. Now I don’t think I ever want to eat anywhere else ever again, ever.
3. I forgot to eat dinner tonight, and now it’s 10 p.m. and too late to eat. Dang.
4. New episodes of Law & Order: SVU make me a lot happier than they should.
5. My goal for the month of April? No trips to the emergency room. Seven days in, so far so good.

Mar. 21: Red Velvet Cake. Why?

Maybe some of you foodie types can answer this question for me. What is so special about Red Velvet Cake? California Pizza Kitchen has it on their dessert menu now, and I’ve tried to order it a few times but they’re always out. Yesterday I ordered a slice to go after a yummy pasta lunch, and when I got around to eating it yesterday afternoon, it was underwhelming. Nothing bad about it, just nothing spectacular. With the raves I’ve read about in several places, I expected a little more.

Moist? Yes, very. Pretty? Soooo pretty, especially with the vanilla bean cream cheese frosting and white chocolate curls. Edible? Definitely, but please don’t ask me to identify a specific flavor. Because was it out of this world? Not so much.

I’m embarrassed to admit that I had never even heard of Red Velvet Cake until just before Katie’s second birthday. I was looking for fun cake ideas and ran across a recipe for Red Velvet Cake—sounded perfect to go with the hearts party theme. I had half the ingredients in my shopping cart at Albertsons when I got to the baking aisle and found a Red Velvet Cake mix. Just add oil, eggs and water? Much easier than all that buttermilk and shortening and beets.

The cupcakes turned out cute, sure, but they weren’t anything special; I blamed my use of a cake mix shortcut. But after eating that so-so cake from CPK yesterday, I think maybe I just don’t get it. Here, let me Google some recipes for you (not to be a smartass; it’s my excuse to use LMGTFY): Red Velvet Cake Recipes.

I read on Wikipedia that Red Velvet Cake is a favorite in the southern US and that’s it’s known for being rich and sweet. The CPK cake had rich and sweet frosting, but the cake itself was blah in comparison. I call shenanigans.

Feb. 24: Filet-induced coma

Last night Victor and I celebrated our anniversary at Morton’s, the most perfect restaurant in existence of which I’m aware. The fact that it’s across the street from where our Broadway in Portland shows are held makes it tempting to eat there before every show, but it’s too expensive to go that often. Instead, it’s our special occasion place.

When Vic made the reservations they asked if we were celebrating, and he told them it was our anniversary. So when we got there last night, three different people immediately said “Happy Anniversary!” to us—so nice. They had a booth prepared for us; it was one of those big U-shaped ones and they seated us not across from each other, but right next to each other. I think it was supposed to be more intimate this way, but we had to turn toward each other to talk so it was a little awkward. But hey, we’ve been married 12 years. We didn’t need to talk, right?

My favorite part of their warm welcome: our menu said “Morton’s Wishes You A Happy Anniversary!” with the date underneath. Yes, I realize they probably have them printed for every day of the year. It was still a nice touch.

We opted not to see the table presentation of the menu items, having eaten there enough times to know what cut of meat we’d each order. I certainly did not miss having the live lobster—which, let’s face it, is nothing more than a giant creepy-crawly bug—reaching for me. The first time I saw it I didn’t realize it was alive, and when it moved it scared the shit out of me. (OK, not really.) (But I was frightened.)

They started out with a round loaf of bread that is not my favorite. It’s onion-y. It’s also not cut, so it’s totally messy whether you try to cut it or tear off a piece. The little onions on the outside go flying, as well as the crust. I don’t understand why some restaurants don’t cut the bread they bring to the table, especially when it’s a shape that’s virtually impossible to break into without smashing most of it. Macaroni Grill’s bread is the same way. Also, it seems kind of unsanitary for everyone at the table to be manhandling (breadhandling?) the bread. But whatever… At Morton’s, the butter is cold and fresh and makes even one’s least favorite type of bread completely edible. Nummers.

We each had the Morton’s salad—iceberg and romaine lettuce with blue cheese dressing and chopped egg. It doesn’t sound too special, but it was surprisingly good.

This is when I realized that they’ve changed their menu a little. The salad I’ve ordered in the past was a warm spinach salad with a Dijon vinaigrette that sounds yucky but was absolutely flavorful and delicious. It’s no longer on the menu. There were lots of other changes too, mostly small and not too noticeable. I do not remember Mr. Morton ever seeking out my approval for these changes, so I was slightly disappointed, although it made me feel a little less guilty about all the vacuuming they’d need to do around our table after we left (stupid onion bread).

My favorite cut of meat is the filet mignon (duh) and at Morton’s I always order the petite filet because I am such a petite flower. Also because the side dishes are so big and delicious; I need room for them. Last night we chose the sautéed garlic green beans and mashed potatoes. The steaks are served with Béarnaise sauce. There were oh-so-many Perfect Bites™, Sherilee—just perfect. Can’t remember if you’re a big steak eater, but I thought of you.

Victor also ordered shrimp Alexander and a crab cake. They were stinky, but not moving or trying to git me.

Dessert? But of course! We ordered Morton’s Legendary Hot Chocolate Cake (formerly their Godiva chocolate soufflé, or something like that—another menu change) and Key lime pie. We each took a couple bites of both and realized we’d explode if we ate any more. They boxed them up for us to take home. Late last night we ate the pie, but the cake is in the fridge and I’m not sure it’ll be there when Victor gets home from work today… it’s totally calling my name right now…

We’ve never left Morton’s without racking up a bill that’s right around $140, even without wine. This, of course, is why we don’t go there more often. But last week we got a promotional flyer in the mail for a special they’re running through the end of March: Steak & Seafood for Two. Here’s the link to the menu choices for the special—best of all, it’s just $99. Yes, it’s still crazy expensive, but if you’re a Morton’s lover (Lori), you know that’s a pretty darn good deal. I normally hate going into restaurants like that with a coupon, but they didn’t make us feel cheap at all. Our server said several times that it was a great deal, and also told us we could get larger steaks for extra $$, or where we could switch out some items.

A near-perfect meal, and pretty good companionship too. No one yelled about the mess we made with our bread. Neither of us exploded. We’re still happily married. That made for a nice evening all around.

Oh, and on the way home we stopped at Home Depot to buy a new toilet plunger. I know, I know: we’re hopelessly romantic.

July 30: Ashland trip report

If you’ve been paying attention you know that the 2007 Girls’ Weekend™ was July 20-23. Our destination was lovely southern Oregon, where we saw a variety of Shakespeare’s works performed. Here, finally, is the trip report I've been promising.

Friday morning April got to my house and we picked up Debi at the airport. We headed to Bridgeport for a delicious lunch at California Pizza Kitchen. (What, no more Pear & Gorgonzola pizza? They took it off the menu! Our server said people have been complaining so they might put it back but that didn’t do ME any good today. Bummer.)

Next stop was the Woodburn Company Stores. April had left her hanging clothes in Seattle so she needed to buy stuff to wear for the weekend. Debi and I just felt like spending money. We shopped for about an hour, made a Starbucks stop, and continued the drive to Medford.

We got to my mom’s house around 10 p.m. She wasn’t home. She was out partying with her homies at the Jackson County Fairapalooza. We waited around until she staggered in and then everyone went to bed.

Just kidding about the staggering, of course. But seeing Mom fully awake at 11 p.m. was a first for me.

Saturday morning Mom prepared a delightful breakfast for us. We weren’t in much of a hurry to get anywhere and it was nice to sit around and chat. Once we finally got moving, we went to Jacksonville for some shopping. Found a very cool toy store—in a brief moment of insanity I almost bought Jack an accordion—and some fun artisan shops. Ate lunch at Bella Union, where Uncle Paul performs regularly, and sat outside on their lovely vine-covered patio. We purchased some delicious souvenirs in the huge Harry & David store when we returned to Medford.

We went back to Mom’s to get ourselves ready for an evening in Ashland. Debi and her sharp eye noticed Jen’s idiot mistake: our play tickets were for 2 p.m., not 8 p.m. We had missed our show. While I checked the Internet for a solution, Debi called the box office and a lovely woman transferred our tickets to the evening performance. Hooray! However, even though she assured us there was another show that day, we started checking around and could find no evidence of it. We headed to Ashland, not sure how we would be spending our evening, but confident by then that we would not be seeing a play. Sure enough, “Distracted” was matinee-only on Saturday. I went to the box office as instructed and found that the lovely woman who transferred our tickets actually put us in a September show. Odd, hm? I wasn’t sure I’d be able to make it back to that one—April and Debi almost definitely wouldn’t—but I took the tickets and decided to figure it out later.

We drove a couple miles further into Ashland and saw the movie “Hairspray.” There’s something wrong with going to a movie in a city like Ashland, especially in a cinema that looks like a supermarket, but at least our evening wasn’t a complete loss. Debi and I had seen both the original non-musical “Hairspray,” as well as the Broadway musical version, so we critiqued it from that snobbish point of view. Except for John Travolta, whose portrayal of Edna Turnblad nearly ruined the movie, we agreed that it was very well-cast. April (who was probably rolling her eyes in the back seat listening to our Siskel & Ebert-like review the whole way back to Medford) said she liked it too.

When we got to Mom’s around 11 p.m. she was still out. She had gotten her hands on Doobie Brothers concert tickets and staggered in soon after we got home. How on earth did my mom end up at a Doobie Brothers concert? I’m still trying to wrap my head around that.

During brunch Sunday morning I got a call from the Shakespeare Festival box office; the woman who had promised us tickets for the previous evening’s nonexistent show apologized profusely and refunded our $$. We thought that was very generous, as it was my own stupid mistake that we missed the show in the first place. Moral of that story: people in Ashland are nice.

Just before the play on Sunday afternoon we had a so-so lunch at Martino’s. “The Compleat Works of Wllm Shkspr (abridged)” matinee was fabulous. I highly recommend it to anyone who enjoys laughing. Here’s a spot-on review.

Shopping in Ashland was fun and walking through town was almost bearable in the heat. We found some nice little gift shops and purchased some souvenir goodies. We had dinner reservations at Cucina Biazzi. I had never tried flash-fried sage leaves before but April made us eat them and they were really quite tasty.

Our evening entertainment got off to a horribly horrible start (in my opinion) when we stood in the Festival Courtyard for the Green Show, a performance of renaissance music and dancing that made my ears and eyes bleed. While I’m sure that a lot of the people there enjoyed it, I was definitely not one of them. Fortunately things improved from there; “The Tempest” was very good. I had never seen anything on the Elizabethan Stage before. And except for the guy behind me that started snoring loudly during the second act, we thoroughly enjoyed ourselves. Prospero was incredible.

Monday morning I woke up with a terrible headache. April and Debi both felt yucky too. The drive back to Portland was quiet-ish. We made a quick return visit to the Woodburn outlet mall and then took Debi to the airport. April and I went to the hospital where she was to meet her mom and sister, and I took off to Clackamas to get Katie to her swimming lesson.

For anyone that isn’t me, April, or Debi, it must suck to be you. So sorry. Our memories of the 2007 Girls’ Weekend™ will be of a marvelous few days full of entertaining entertainment and edible food. As you know, that’s what Girls’ Weekends are all about. FYI, they are not about pillow fights in panties or anything remotely like that, much to some husbands’ dismay. Although after all that high-brow entertainment of the Shakespeare Festival, we do have culture and sophistication pouring out our collective arses (to paraphrase a song from “Dirty Rotten Scoundrels,” not to imply we have food poisoning).

—Jen

July 6: Can you trust a fat food critic?

We were talking about seeing Ratatouille again today and I've had that mean old food critic, Anton Ego, on the brain. So... guess what, it’s critique time. For Jen... Ego.

Like most people, we tend to go to the same restaurants over and over. These are the ones in our area and what we like to order there.

• Applebees - Love the Santa Fe chicken salad, buffalo ranch chicken sandwich, and maple butter blondie dessert.
  
• Baja Fresh - the only thing I ever order here is the steak burrito Ultimo with no veggie mix (peppers and other gross stuff). It’s delicious. Vic gets the chicken Ultimo. Every time I’ve tried something different I don’t like it.
  
• Bellagio’s Pizza - Their crust is chewy and delicious. Love their variety of sauces too. Expensive.
  
• Burger King - I rarely eat here. I don’t like microwaved burgers.
  
• Burgerville - The plain ol’ cheeseburger is deeeeelicious. Vic usually gets the Tillamook pepper bacon burger. Gotta love their seasonal specials—right now they’re fresh strawberry milkshakes and lemonade and shortcake—and the Mocha Perk shake.
  
• California Pizza Kitchen - My favorite pizza lately is the pear gorgonzola with honey wheat pizza crust. Yum.
  
• Chart House - Haven’t been here in a while, but I always liked the filet.
  
• Chevy’s - I love their chips and salsa and made-to-order guacamole. I think the flautas are pretty good, and I also like the steak fajita burrito. And that sweet corn stuff they put on all the plates is tay-STEE.
  
• Chili’s - Chicken tacos. Their appetizers are good too.
  
• Claim Jumper - So far I haven’t tried anything that wasn’t downright mouth-watering. I mean, it’s comfort food, so what can be bad about that?
  
• Gustav’s - Fondue (or as my cousin Deanna says, fondon’t). They have a chicken-apples-walnuts-greens salad that I usually order. Excellent Reuben sandwich and potato pancakes.
  
• KFC - I never go there.
  
• Macaroni Grill - I just tried the plain ol’ fettuccine Alfredo a few weeks ago and it was probably the best I’ve ever had.
  
• McDonalds - We choose to eat here only when we’re starving and don’t want to wait for food. Unfortunately, between the Happy Meals and play place, it’s almost always K&J’s first choice. French fries are great. Their new southwest chicken salad is good. The sausage McGriddle and hash browns is a yummy, albeit greasy, breakfast. The new cinnamon melts are way too Cinnabon-like to be within walking distance of our home.
  
• Morton’s - Filet Mignon, of course. And that Godiva chocolate cake, omigoddess it’s good! My only complaint is when they bring the cart with the live giant bug (fine, it’s a lobster) to my table. I just know that thing is gonna break through his rubber bands and pinch the crap outta me.
  
• Old Chicago - Haven’t been there forever. Not a big fan of their pizza, but I like their salads. Can’t remember much else.
  
• Olive Garden - Portobello ravioli. Pasta fagioli soup.
  
• Outback - Hate this place. They can’t grill a steak.
  
• Panda Express - What else but orange chicken?
  
• P.F. Changs - Lettuce wraps and hot and sour soup. All the entrees I’ve tried are great.
  
• Quizno’s - We don’t get stuff from here often, but I’ve liked most of the chicken sandwiches I’ve tried.
  
• Red Robin - Nothing beats the Banzai Burger. I like their salads and appetizers too. Scrumptious steak fries.
  
• Ruth’s Chris Steak House - Filet. Broccoli and green beans are perfectly fresh and crunchy and the mashed potatoes are perfect. They have a bananas Foster dessert that is just incredible.
  
• Spaghetti Factory - Is anything not edible on this menu?
  
• Stanford’s - Their Henry’s cheddar soup is delectable, but it’s not on their menu every day. I love their Thai linguine and southwest chopped chicken salad.
  
• Starbucks - The venti mocha is absolute perfection.
  
• Subway - Spicy Italian sub.
  
• Sweet Tomatoes - Bleah. Why I hate this place is all in the name. Actually, if you want a good salad bar, you can’t beat it. Otherwise, no thank you.
  
• Taco Bell - Everything tastes pretty much the same and it’s all filling. Hey, there are worse things.
  
• Taco del Mar - Anything I’ve ever ordered here is good.
  
• Taco Time - As far as I’m concerned, it is never taco time. I'm pretty sure their ground beef is actually dog food (or vegeburger, same thing). Who can mess up Mexican food? Taco Time can. Bleah.
  
• Wendy’s - I like this place fine, but I think their kids’ meals are what’s really special—they actually have choices besides burgers and chicken nuggets. They have deli sandwiches and fruit too.

If you have any additional recommendations, we’d love to hear them. I will promise not to make fun of you even if you like yucky things.