Nov. 28: Happy day for Ed

Today is Auntie Ed’s birthday. He’s older than me, but not much. I had no idea what to get him—besides new shoes to replace the ones my sister stole from him—so I asked Google what Ed wants. Here’s what I found:

Ed wants...

• bad drivers ripped off the road
  
• your money
  
• to know when his library books are due
  
• to focus more on his painting, and do less tattooing
  
• to know why Northwest Airlines attendants get testy when you don't have correct change for a cocktail
  
• me to use all of my free time to exercise (why should *I* have to suffer just because it’s your birthday?)
  
• to know why he wants to kill people
  
• everyone to check out a rap video about hating kittens
  
• to know how much you make
  
• to marry his stalker
  
• a superhero team based on reptiles and amphibians
  
• to fly
  
• to be a Blondie girl
  
• a do-over
  
• naked customers
  
• his son to know he finally put the pool in the backyard
  
• your phone number again (stupid iPhone can’t remember anything)
  
• to have one Christian church in every post office area
  
• to bring his bow and arrows
  
• to return to the street
  
• to go to Chuck E. Cheese (With your bow and arrows? Please?)
  
• action, now
  
• to crush Dennis with a toast at the engagement party
  
• to keep your work and you looking good—with protective coverings
  
• to be a macroeconomic time-series econometrician, and use the patterns of previous housing- and consumer-driven recessions to analyze what is going on
  
• a midnight foot worship
  
• to make your drinking a fuller experience for you
  
• to know: “Are the treatments for hair loss expensive?”

You can expect all of these in the mail soon(ish). Have a great day, Ed!