Jul. 2: Not my texts from last night, or ever

Oh my goodness, Texts From Last Night, you make me laugh. You also make me think that because I can remember most of what happened during my college years and beyond, maybe my “stupid” choices weren’t always so stupid—because GEEZ a lot of texts featured on TFLN are in the “I was so drunk…” or “I was so high…” categories. Even if the technology had existed back in the dark ages when I would’ve used it as my primary method of communication, my texts would have been sooo much less interesting than these. I was far from a model SDA youth, but in comparison these kids make me look like Mother Teresa.

Anyhooser, here are a few of the texts that made me LOL this evening.

(415): I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
(510): I hope so

(575): This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.

(334): The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.

(916): He went through and tagged himself on my crotch in all of my facebook pics

(281): I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.

(401): remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
(401): we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.

(919): I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.

(303): I'm sorry for the crack den comment. You have a lovely apartment.

(253): I miss him.. What the hell did I get myself in to? I guess it will get better with time.
(281): No. Just liquor. Time's no good.

(206): sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before

(405): I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...

(843): he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number

(708): We saw some woman wearing leather pants. It was weird. We have decided to follow her on her travels to see where people go in leather pants in Michigan.

(281): i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets

(512): The girl here has a popped collar. Can I slap her?
(319): Yes. For all mankind please do.

(519): she's naming her girl london marie
(519): that kid will be born with a tramp stamp

(917): I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.