Jul. 4: Why all the tears?

I spent much of yesterday morning e-mailing back and forth with my cousin, who’s putting together a Saltmarsh-themed surprise thingie for which she needed my help. Specifically, she was looking for a picture of our grandfather. He died when I was six years old, so my memories of him are few but special. I’m in most of my pictures of my grandpa, so they may not be exactly what Deanna was hoping for, but she can crop me out if she wants to (meanie).

To find the photos I started digging through photo albums and boxes labeled “to be scrapbooked” and had so-so luck. Then I remembered that Kathy had scanned a ton of old photos for Dad’s memorial service, so I connected my external hard drive and started wading through all those photos.

Y’know how looking at old pictures can make you feel incredibly sad and happy at the same time? That’s how it was, looking at one picture after another of my dad, at varying ages and weights, and with me and Kath in varying hairstyles (though Kathy’s hairstyles made me cry with laughter, mostly… heh heh…). It’s not like I never look at photos of my dad, but sometimes his being gone just hits me a little harder.

I was home by myself, so I gave in to the need to cry. I don’t do that very often. I probably should.

While searching all those folders, I found the music we used for the slide show at Dad’s memorial service. And this one song—a song that I loved long before I ever realized how perfectly appropriate it was for the “apples of his eye” portion of the show—well, it gets me every time. The song’s not sad at all; in fact, it’s incredibly sweet, so I’m sharing it with you because if you’re a parent and it doesn’t make you cry, then your heart is most certainly made of stone, my friend. And also, I can’t be your friend anymore.

“You Steal My Heart Away”

Download this MP3 - (Right Click)

(Please let me know if that doesn’t download properly and I’ll post it a different way.)

Our next-door neighbors came home with their new baby last night. Tina posted photos on Facebook and this one, of their middlest with their youngest, just squeezed my heart right up. Sami’s such a sweetie—Alexander is a lucky little brother, don’t you think?

Jen E, I look forward to seeing a similar picture of your little ones in a couple weeks!

I made potato salad last night, using my aunt’s recipe. It was always my dad’s favorite kind. Although I was sure I’d eaten it before, I couldn’t remember it… until I did the taste-test this morning. Amazing how tasting something like that can take you back 35 years in one short second. It’s delicious, and I’m so glad we still have these favorite recipes being shared within our family.

I watched the Rent: Live on Broadway DVD this morning while I was cooking. So yeah, I’ve watched it 14 times this week, does that matter? Does it make me react any more “meh”-like to Angel’s story? To seeing Collins walk around with Angel’s drumsticks at the funeral? To current and former cast members on stage at the end for one last round of “Seasons of Love”? My god, man, do you know me at all?

After Rent: Live on Broadway was over, I watched the special features on the DVD. One of them shows interviews and clips of the show’s final week on Broadway last fall. Jonathan Larson’s parents were on it, as well as several cast and crew members who’ve been part of the show since its beginning. Goodbyes and endings and finales suck, that’s all I gotta say.

I was still watching the special feature and, along with all of those other things, that’s why I was bawling my head off when my mother-in-law and Julianne came in this afternoon. I felt like such an idiot. And I was trying to explain what was so sad about the show, and it just made me cry harder.

I think Darlene and Julianne are ready to have me committed. I really am fine, though; just a bit weepy. I’ll be back to my snarky, complaining self before you know it. Promise.