Jan. 18: Wil-maaaaa!

Ugh. Today I feel like I got put through one of those insanely violent Fred Flintstone-getting-repeatedly-bonked-into-the-ground-at-the-quarry-by-the-rabid-dinosaur-bulldozer moments, but-cept I hurt worse. This is what one week after chemo feels like for me. Ouch.

I noticed it coming on last night when I was reading that book I’m still raving about, and I thought it might just be soreness from sitting on my giant arse all day reading that book I’m still raving about. As I was going to bed, I remembered that it is THAT time of chemo’s three week cycle, the time in which I start feeling achy and grouchy and mean and many additional adjectives unsuitable for a family blog such as this one.

(I’m kidding. I know this isn’t a family blog. But I’m still not going to use a bunch of X-rated language, as much as I might want and deserve to. You’re welcome for me saving your eyes from the filth.)

Anyhow, let me give you an idea of how much I hurt: A LOT.

• My skin feels tender everywhere, like I rolled in gravel (see, there I am back at that dangerous quarry again).
• When I move, my muscles ache as though I just did six hours of aerobics to “I’m So Excited” by the Pointer Sisters. I did not just do six hours of aerobics. I’m not sure I’ve done six hours of aerobics if you add up all the time I’ve spent doing aerobics in my entire life. I hate aerobics. They are an invention of the devil, you know, along with the accordion and The Pointer Sisters.
• My fancy mattress, which doesn’t have pressure points—or some nonsensical feature like that, which is supposed to make me think it’s worth all the $$ I paid for it—definitely has pressure points today. It hurts me no matter how I sit, lie, roll over, fetch, or play dead. Still, I’m not planning on moving my afore-mentioned giant arse from it today.
• My teeth hurt.
• I’m hungry. That has nothing to do with feeling achy, I’m just hoping someone reads this and brings me something to eat. I’d like some fresh flowers and the newspaper too, please. And a new puppy.
• My mom is vacuuming downstairs and totally harshing my mellow. Again, nothing to do with feeling achy, and not even really bothering me all that much. I just wanted to make you feel jealous because my mom’s cleaning MY house and not yours. Ha. (I get kinda mean when I’m achy, obvy.)
• When I stretch my legs, my toes go in that weird locked position that hurts like a mofo, and I have to bend them back with my fingers. What is that? I hate that. In fact, I’m not a fan of anything that hurts like a mofo.
• Like chemo.

I’m just gonna sit here and try not to have a rotten day. You do the same, mmmkay?