Jan. 23: Roles in crisis

I am constantly reminded these days about how lucky I am to have the very supportive family and friends that I do. It seems like every day I get another message from someone new who’s offering help of some kind. Y’all are so generous, and I apologize if I can’t stop thanking you. You’re kinda way fab.

Tonight I started thinking about the very fascinating and different ways people react to crisis, and it makes me wonder so much WHAT makes them do what they do (or don’t do, as the case may be). Someone gets bad news and a switch goes off in them that determines their behavior. Is it something in their upbringing? Their past personal tragedies? Something they saw in a movie once?

My dad’s unexpected death was the first tragic event that affected Victor and me personally after we were married. Not having faced this kind of thing together before, I didn’t have a clue how Vic would be. I found it interesting that he almost immediately shifted into “helper” mode. He started making phone calls to people he didn’t even know, just because we asked him to. Ron was very helper-y too. He took the kids to the zoo one day when everyone was going crazy after being in the house for too many days in a row. Vic and Ron both got meals for all of us several times. They ran errands nonstop. Really, they saw to our most basic needs. It was exactly what Kathy and I needed that first week. How did those boys we married know that?

There were other people who popped up during that time who surprised us with their concern, helpfulness, and generosity. We have since talked a lot about how people’s true selves really come out in times of crisis, and how impressed we were with the unpredictable during that particular one.

In some cases, the unpredictable was disappointing. There were people who should have done certain things who didn’t. I’d like to think they were so thrown by grief that they didn’t know what to say or do; sadly, I don’t think that’s true for all of them. It’s weird to me. Were those their true selves? Yikes. I don’t want them around me when the going gets tough.

Again, so many of you, our friends and family members, have come to us with tremendous offers of help and support since my cancer diagnosis. If these are your true selves—and I do believe they are—then I want you people in my life as long as it lasts. And if I ever get the chance to do the same for you, you can bet I’ll be there, doing whatever I can.

(I kinda really hope you’re not gonna ask me to iron stuff. I suck at ironing.)