Jan. 3: More witty twitters

I follow some incredibly amusing people on Twitter. Here are some of my favorites from the past couple months. Their user names link to their Twitter pages so you can follow them too. You’re welcome.

wordlust: It is terrible to take away hope; it is worse to take away chocolate fudge brownie cookie cake.

wordlust: “Hulk smash!” has a better ring to it than “Hulk pee bed!”

thedayhascome: The worst part of wearing a cape is the toilet.

gknauss: Can someone go back in time and give Jim Carrey the attention he wanted as a child, please?

fireland: Just bought a little wedding chapel for my model train set. Someday I'll get married there and SHUT UP MA YOU DON’T KNOW SHIT

wordlust: Proctologists should offer exorcisms. If you’re already wrist-deep, pulling out a gerbil, why not scoop out some demons too?

adamisacson: "Wow, this is a dirty kitchen!" exclaimed our 5-year-old's friend, here for a playdate. Still, he finished his bowl of lead paint chips.

_mattie: Keep accidentally wearing Converse with collared shirts: proof that Liz Lemon influences more than my eating habits.

TheBloggess: Dear BCBGMAXAZRIA: Your brand name is exactly what happens when I pass out on my keyboard.

FarkerPeaceboy: I think what I look forward to most with the Rapture is, as I slowly ascend towards Heaven, peeing on the heads of dirty heathens down below

SeoulBrother: I just did a couple lines of freshly grated parmesan cheese. I don't think 'disorder' even begins to describe my relationship with food.

adamisacson: 5-year-old, waving crayon at me: "I'm coloring you." Me: "Funny, I don't _look_ colored." Oh, hi, fellow restaurant patrons. Nice glares.

gknauss: Alcohol and self-loathing don't mix. Alcohol and heavily-salted peanuts, though, are great. Self-loathing and peanuts aren't bad, either.

shitmydadsays: "You worry too much. Eat some bacon... What? No, I got no idea if it'll make you feel better, I just made too much bacon."

nonsequiturific: All Points Bulletin: Dyslexic zombie on the loose. Persons named Brian urged to proceed with utmost caution.

CranberryPerson: It was a perfect combination of foul-mouth tendencies and poor listening skills that led my 3 year old to call my 6 year old a "bustard."

CranberryPerson: For 364 days out of the year, my boy's peanut allergy is a concern and inconvenience, but on Halloween, I get all of his Reeses' Cups.

essdogg: If your wife tells you to "shut your hole" then, no matter how great or numerous your comeback options are, just keep shutting your hole.

nonsequiturific: Walking around in a Snuggie on slippery hardwood floors can be tricky, but fortunately I have the coordination of an ambulance-needer.

fireland: I think when you see how happy Daddy is on his new jet ski with his new chest hair you'll forget all about wanting to go to college.

adamisacson: I microwaved an "organic breakfast burrito" without stopping halfway to turn it. It was gross! So I followed the directions. It was gross!

lonelysandwich: McGriddle breakfast sandwich, you're on my list. (Incidentally, my list is of foods pee still smells like ten hours after eating them.)

On Veteran’s Day: jimgaffigan: Thanks fellow Veterans. (I was in the service. Well I was a Power Ranger. Kicked out for smoking crack)

wordlust: Sometimes you have to forget your worries, put on your dancing shoes, and stomp some smurfs to death.

CcSteff: Oh come on, guys. Everyone knows the Constitution is only relevant when it comes to owning guns and not wanting to help poor people.

adamisacson: If you've ever voted against new funding for public schools, it's you I'm thinking of as I stand in the self-checkout line.

gknauss: Our disability insurance uses the logo "DI@WORK," or "Die at work." Sometimes, inviting the smart-ass to the meetings is a good idea.

franktheguy: I would like to express my feelings towards you in the form of a song. A song about punching you in the face.

gknauss: We had a fire drill at work, and I panicked and resorted to cannibalism while we were walking down the stairs. Boy, is _that_ embarrassing.

November 19: gknauss: What percentage of Sarah Palin supporters do you think went into a bookstore for the very first time yesterday?

strutting: 7-11 walks that fine line between "What's this coffee?" and "Is this coffee?"

Dogphorisms: If we can put a man on the moon, we can put a dog on the kitchen table. Come on, NASA.

nonsequiturific: Bleached blond hair, gold jewelry, shiny fingernails. Good thing that cooking dude's name is Guy, otherwise that could really be confusing.

wordlust: Bedhead is bad. Bedpanhead is worse.

Dogphorisms: Unless your homework is a sandwich, a hamster, or that awesome pair of panties, "the dog" did not eat it.

InSoOutSo: Good morning, pancake frosting. I'm glad I invented you.

hotdogsladies: Hate that part of a cold where you cough and it tastes like Glenn Beck's soul.

Thanksgiving: CranberryPerson: My folks are super conservative so I taught my three year old to say he is thankful for President Obama and free health care. BIG LAUGHS.

thedayhascome: Clearly, there's no excuse for my behavior, so I'm drinking until I have one.

essdogg: I'd love to host a spinoff of "This Old House" called "This Old House Is Falling Down Because the Owner Is A Lazy Jackass."

CranberryPerson: Twitter has made me more concise in real life. Now I just wish there was a non-internet equivalent to having Facebook friends.

fireland: Superman wears a cape and underwear and everyone's all "yay" but I do it and you're like "don't ever touch my son again"?

bcompton: I guess all of the warning stickers that I had to move to get to the thing that burned me were right.

thedayhascome: Someone with a knife exactly like the one I'm holding in my hand ruined my neighbor's inflatable Christmas lawn decorations.

wordlust: The death rattle is horrible, but it’s nothing compared to the death binkie.

ChristFinnegan: I'm staying in the hotel where Anna Nicole died. People say she still haunts the guests. Well, not so much "haunts" as "annoys".

emilybrianna: ME: You have five seconds to finish that. 5, 4, 3- QUINN: Don't use counting right now! I love counting and you're ruining it with broccoli!

I find particular amusement in this one: ChristFinnegan: When Billy Joel says "Only the Good Die Young", he's basically calling your grandmother an asshole.

thedayhascome: Santa watches your children sleep and it's okay, but I do it and you're like "get out from under the bed"?

wordlust: Is “inflate-a-date” or “inflate-a-mate” more proper? Writing letters of recommendation is tough.

wordlust: I always expect every little thing to be apocalyptic. I’m so relieved when it’s only
Armageddon-y.

phillygirl: Highlight from mom's office party: "So... your daughter believes in global warming?" "Well, she lives on the West coast."

strutting: Although they were reluctant at first, Paul McCartney's parents eventually sat him down and told him where all the lonely people come from.

secretsquirrel: There is absolutely nothing that gravy can't improve. I spooned some into my coffee and could actually feel myself becoming a better person.

gknauss: I'm good all year and ask Santa for the untraceable death of just one live-in in-law and the SOB stiffs me again. Merry Freakin' Christmas.

phillygirl: They could have told me he's a drummer before I challenged him to Whack-a-Mole.

CranberryPerson: Santa giveth and Daddy taketh away.

scottsimpson: All of my scary campfire stories feature Ben Kingsley walking briskly toward you with a golf club, because that is the scariest thing ever.

adamisacson: I'm not falling again for the 5-year-old's "eat some spaghetti" trick. It's always Play-Doh. But this fried egg looks delicious. Oh, damn.

December 29: CranberryPerson: I'm making "Be nicer to you" my New Year's resolution, but that still gives me two and a half days, you freaking jerk.

wordlust: When I die, I hope they say, “We’re not here to mourn. We’re here to hit on his unbelievable harem of supermodels.”

Dogphorisms: In 2010, I resolve to chew more, pee more, and hump more. FYI, I did all three to your pillow.

January 1: hotdogsladies: Weird. I'm twelve hours into the new year and still writing, "Don't cash this for a couple weeks" on all my checks.