Jan. 2: The mall, she is horrible.

It was beautiful in Portland today. Lots of sunshine, warmer temperatures, very little rain. After LOTS of rain the past few days, it was quite lovely to venture outdoors without getting drenched. It was much too nice to stay inside, so the four of us piled in the car and ran errands around town and got lots accomplished.

The thing is, there’s nothing like a trip to the mall to renew your hatred for all humanity. I hereby declare that these are the kinds of people who deserve to die—BY MY HAND—for the great transgressions I witnessed and/or experienced today while shopping:

• The ones who suddenly stop walking in the middle of a crowd, forcing everyone to walk around them. The excessively slow walkers are included.
• The ones who stop moving without any regard for those around them, like in aisles or doorways. You’re inconsiderate idiots. Stop doing that.
• The ones who drive with their parking lights on at dusk or dark. Why you don’t care about being able to see better, or if other drivers can see you, I do not know. What I do know is that you’re stupid.
• People who speed in parking lots and parking garages. Have you not seen all the pedestrians?
• People who run red lights, fail to use turn signals, or turn from the wrong lanes. Oh, and the ones who block two lanes because they’re trying to switch lanes at a stoplight where there’s no room because they’re not paying attention where they’re going? You should not only die, you should lose your licenses. If you even have licenses.
• The ones who make massive fart clouds, which I have no choice but to walk into before I’ve realized it, and then I feel the need to puke for 20 minutes. Hey—smells like maybe you’re feeling unwell. Next time, stay home.
• People who sneeze or cough without making any effort not to share their germs or disgusting-ness. I wasn’t sick when I got to the mall, but now I am. Thanks a bunch.
• Public and incredibly inconsiderate smokers.

Let’s not give me a chance to kill y’all, okay? Because I really, really want to sometimes. Please shape up before I go to the mall again.