Jan. 4: Freak

Soon after I found out I’d be losing all my hair, my mom got me a couple of those little stretchy cotton caps to keep my head warm. I use them more for covering my baldness than keeping me warm (I’m usually hot anyway), but whatever… they work. I wear them all the time around the house. They look lovely with my jammies and stilettos (I read somewhere that cancer patients should still make an effort to beautify themselves and what could be better than high heels?).

When I leave the house, I wig it up or wear a full coverage hat. Last week I tried a scarf that Hawaii Laura sent and it’s now my favorite of all my head coverings—not too hot, very comfortable, and super cute. I’ll definitely be ordering more in other colors.

If you know me, it won’t surprise you that I do NOT go bare-headed into that good night (or day, or meeting, or store, or school). I’ve never been one to prance around naked, no matter what my former roommates may tell you, and now that I have more visible skin than ever, my modesty has only increased.

Loveliest Lori gave me a satin pillow cover and once my head was shaved I loved how smooth it felt on my noggin. My bedroom was my safe haven of bald freedom. However, I started to worry that the kids might walk in, so I started wearing one of my stretchy cotton caps to bed every night. See, until the other day, neither Katie or Jack had seen my head totally bald. I didn’t intentionally keep anything from them; it just never really came up. They asked a lot of questions in the beginning of all this, but the novelty has worn off, apparently, and now they’re just used to seeing my head covered.

One day last week Jack climbed onto my bed to annoy me and started asking questions about my hair. I reminded him that it was completely gone, and asked if he wanted to see my bare head. That big, goofy grin spread across his face. I pulled my cap off and although he seemed a little startled at first, he said, “COOL! You’re like an alien but you’re not green.” That was pretty much it.

One down, one to go. I really, really want to go back to enjoying that satin pillow cover, y’see! Yesterday I asked Katie if she wanted to see my bald head and she quickly said NO and walked away. This morning I tried again and she said NO but then Jack told her IT’S AWESOME, KATIE! and she decided it was okay to look. She stood in front of me and covered her eyes. I pulled my cap off.

Katie quickly peeked through her fingers and I could hear her breath catch in her throat. Then she turned away from me and said, “Okay…” and that was my cue to put my cap back on. She didn’t say anything else. A few minutes later both kids ran off to school with their friends.

It broke my heart that it freaked her out so much. She’s acted perfectly normal ever since, so I don’t think she’s scarred for life or anything. And now I can go back to sleeping hatless, so there’s that.

I just hate that my kids are going through all this too. I thought the toughest parts of dealing with cancer would be MY OWN—chemo, its side effects, trying to meet my responsibilities even when I feel like $#!+… I never imagined that some of the little-ish things would end up being a big deal to Katie and Jack. It shouldn’t suck this much for them too. It just shouldn’t.