Oct. 8: More witty twitters

I haven’t shared some favorite twitters in a while. You probably haven’t noticed, and for that, you can bite me. Here are some that made me LOL, and in some cases, LMAO, over the past few months. There are a lot but I didn’t want to leave any out because they’re so completely LOL-y. Twitter usernames link to their pages so you can easily follow them your own damn self and you totally should.

gknauss That goddamned ice cream truck totally ignored me yesterday, so, yes, I think the spike-strip was justified.

CcSteff A love like theirs can only be adequately expressed with spray paint on an overpass.

_mattie Where's the horror movie about your boyfriend walking out of the bathroom mid-shave with a hipster-douchebag mustache?

essdogg The boy woke up at 4 a.m. and puked on me. Now that he's sleeping, it's time to get even.

gknauss I spent the day at SeaWorld and demand to know when Congress is going to start enforcing stricter tube-top capacity limits.

wordlust Wise words: Avoid lagoons in June and dismemberers in December.

wordlust In Klingon, there is no word for labradoodle.

InSoOutSo If there is one thing childhood has taught me, it's that skunks like to rape cats.

jevaun Border fences, fighter jets, smart bombs, abstinence-only sex ed. The GOP is here to protect you. Healthcare?! What do people need THAT for?

jimgaffigan We need more words. "Hey I'm having a BBQ. I'm gonna BBQ some BBQ on my BBQ. If you could bring some some BBQ sauces that would be BBQ."

thedayhascome I've got a video camera, some catnip and a baby. I hope this wins America's Funniest Home Videos, because I'll need it to make bail.

Just for me and Kath and Loveliest Lori: jevaun Damn liquor store, closed on a Sunday. Those of us who aren't at church need something to do too, y'know!

phillygirl It's not a rolling boil yet, but I should probably give the goldfish an ice cube.

nonsequiturific I don't want to offend anyone, but I would rather wear panties made entirely of jellyfish than to have Sarah Palin say anything EVER AGAIN.

TheBloggess Dear Italy: You are dead to me. Last week I went to Olive Garden and they ran out of breadsticks. Unacceptable, Italy.

gordonshumway If wearing nothing but tartar sauce & feathers & waiting outside your window is wrong then I don't wa--well I'll be on my way then, Senator.

rainnwilson How do we KNOW if mosquiter-eaters eat mosquitoes? Has anyone actually SEEN one do it? What if they're just evil, giant mosquitoes?

Every dog owner can understand this one: nonsequiturific Least frustrating way to trim dog's nails is with a Dremel tool. Use it to grind down your corneas. Stop when nails are no longer visible.

gknauss If wishes were horses, my in-laws would have been trampled to death by Clydesdales a long time ago.

I kinda feel like I should apologize that I love this one so much: strutting I'm a fan of Frost's lesser-known masterpiece, "The Fuck Not Given."

TheBloggess I love you people. For real, you are like warm corndogs filled with glitter. Edible glitter. I'm not good with analogies.

InSoOutSo Two out of three ain't bad, that is, unless we're talking about Meat Loaf songs. Then yes, two out of three is bad. Horrible, in fact.

emilybrianna Isaiah wants to watch the sequel before the original. Quinn doesn't. Isaiah begs, "Be on my side. He already has common sense on his side!"

thedayhascome If my wife reads my twitter everyday like she claims, this is her chance to find out I accidentally dropped her toothbrush in the toilet.

secretsquirrel Having been raised a Catholic now just boils down to having an unnecessary, but heady, Foam of Guilt atop my daily Schadenfraudachino.

fireland howd i gett wine biottles stuck on evry goddaam fingr

CranberryPerson Driving my minivan alone. Need bumper sticker that reads “my other car doesn't make me question what in God's name my life has become.”

KatyDidSays Oh my God. Once you throw up on someone's dog they never let you forget it. I mean, gimme a break.

jkubicek Tip for dudes handing out flyers: don't stand right next to a trash can.

jimgaffigan What do you think kid rock and chris rock talk about at family reunions?

jevaun I hope that in retaliation for shit-talking W, the Bushies reveal how Cheney managed to beat 3 heart attacks. *koff* Puppy blood *koff*

gknauss Kid squeezed the chip bag until it popped and the contents poured out the bottom. We're calling it a "Doritos Episiotomy."

CranberryPerson Older son and a friend used a slide, hose & kiddie pool to make an elaborate water ride, which, to my 3 year old, looked just like a toilet.

Moltz Have to pick my dad up at the airport later. Practicing my awkward father-son hug with a high backed wooden chair.

CranberryPerson Sorry, beer cart guy, I fear more alcohol may negatively impact my game HA HA KIDDING get your beautiful ass over here.

TheBloggess Oh, the wrath of stupid people. If you weren't so inadvertently entertaining we'd probably all rise up and stone you to death.

TheBloggess I wish the Jonas Brothers would use their influence for something good. Like, getting people to stop liking the Jonas Brothers.

wordlust Bad online dating ad: I like holding hands, grudges, hostages.

hotdogsladies America's adverbs are just increasingly way hella hella superfluous.

CranberryPerson Volunteered to go to a school function because my wife deserves to relax at home AND NOT because my kid has the hot 1st grade teacher.

hotdogsladies 2002: "RSS? Huh? Namespace? Buh? Validation? Whuh?" 2009: "Oh. You mean that orange button that makes my life awesome?" Yes. Exactly

robcorddry Lots of hummingbirds outside my window today. Where's that damn swatter?

ChristFinnegan Movie witches: dark lipstick and cleavage. Real life witches: hairy armpits and shitty folk music.

adamisacson Ma'am, it's unbecoming to wear pants so tight that we can see the pulse in your femoral artery. And your resting heart rate is too high.

wordlust Dogs can teach us so much about love, loyalty, and how much dirt to kick triumphantly after taking a dump.

shitmydadsays 'You don't know shit, and you're not shit. Don't take that the wrong way, that was meant to cheer you up."

CcSteff I'm just gonna go ahead and assume that any family values candidate is humping something he shouldn't be.

essdogg I don't know why the "experts" say you shouldn't bribe your kids with candy and toys. That shit works like a champ.

adamisacson Me: "It's getting late, time for bed." 5-year-old: "YOU LIE!" Me: "How dare you talk to me like that? Where did you learn-- Oh."

adamisacson They wouldn't sell me a dead cow, an intact tuna fish or a wheel of cheese. "Whole Foods" my ass.

franktheguy Dominos and Pizza Hut have obviously abandoned making edible products, they're now just having a gross out contest with each other.

gknauss Did you know that almost anything you leave in the kitchen at work will be eaten, even if it's spiked with a powerful laxative? Hee hee.

fireland Maybe if you read my Facebook status once in a while you wouldn't be all surprised about having herpes right now.

CranberryPerson Seeing that obese beagle running loose twice on my jog means his owners need to control him, and that at some point, he must have passed me.

adamisacson $30/month for a land line, so telemarketer bots can call us + $5 for caller ID = $35 so I can get up, see who's calling, and sit back down.

phillygirl I'm supposed to IRON this shirt after every wash? Once I'm finished rereading this label& laughing this is going right to the Goodwill pile.

I love him because he shares my taste in seafood: jimgaffigan Snails are a delicacy? Compared to what? Barnacles?

emilybrianna I'm proud of my kid for calling out another kid on being sexist. But he said "sexy" by mistake. I'm beginning to dread the next PTA meeting.

CranberryPerson Six year olds have a poor grasp of irony, but someday he'll see why it's funny that he cried over being called a drama llama.

gknauss It's Gay Days at Disneyland, and you wear a red shirt to self-identify. This chubby 14-year-old Mid-Western kid doesn't know that yet.

gknauss Maybe the Homosexual Agenda is working, because even though I'm not gay, I really wish I'd dressed better for the trip to Disneyland today.

Again with the fish: jimgaffigan Exactly what is the difference between an anchovy and a sweaty eyebrow?

strutting You named your dog Avon Barksdale? If you were a lady, I would totally French you right now. Actually ... c'mere, you.

No, you don’t have to thank me. Wait. OK, you can thank me. I’ll be waiting.