Jun. 12: The latest on Grandma

My grandma’s still in the hospital in Colorado Springs, and it kinda looks like she might not be getting out. They don’t know what’s wrong, but she was talking nonsense—more than usual, that is—and there were a few physical problems that concerned the doctors even more. The frustrating thing is that when they try to treat one problem, something else comes up.

She’s got strep throat, a bladder infection, her only working kidney is barely doing the job, and her carotid artery is almost completely blocked. Last night they tried to do a lumbar puncture and she went into cardiac arrest. They revived her with CPR and now she’s on a ventilator and completely non-responsive.

Mom and Uncle Paul flew to Denver this afternoon. They had a few hours in Portland so we met up with them at the airport and had lunch together, though we didn’t get a lot of chatting in; Mom spent a lot of the time on the phone, trying to get the latest news from Grandma’s doctor. She just called to say Stephen picked them up in Denver and they’re headed straight to the hospital in Colorado Springs.

It doesn’t look good. What surprises me is that this is bothering me more than I expected it to.

If you’ve been paying attention, you know there’s not much love lost between me and my grandma. There are some minor things to which this can be attributed, but mostly she’s just not very nice and I don’t like to be around her. I’ve said for many years now that “she’s done,” that it’s time for her to go because if she stays much longer she’s going to piss off anyone who might possibly still give a crap about her. I still believe that’s true.

But there’s one thing I know will be hard when Grandma’s time finally comes, and that is seeing my mom lose her mom; no matter how nasty Grandma has been to Mom at times, Mom still loves her because she’s her mother. Grandma’s never been quite as horrible to Uncle Paul (at least that’s how the rumors go), but I know the end won’t be easy for him either. Seeing them both today made me sad.

The other thing that’s bothering me about Grandma’s situation right now is that she seems so vulnerable. This latest health crisis started when Grandma was away from home—out of her comfort zone. I mean, I know she loves being with Kathy, but it’s still not home. So that had to be weird, ending up in the hospital in a city far from home, seeing strange doctors and having to re-explain her health history. And then she ends up having to stay in the hospital for longer than she first expected, which has to be confusing and frustrating for her. Of course, now—if she really is as out of it as they suspect—it may not even matter. I guess I just expected her to go out with a big ol’ knock-down drag-out fight, not lying tiny and quiet in a hospital bed.

I won’t miss Grandma, but I’ll be sad when she’s gone. I’ll be sad for my mom and her brother, and for Kathy having to go through all this during what was supposed to be Grandma’s fun visit. And, if this really is her time to go, I’ll be sad that she went in this way. I don’t have any better ideas (that I’ll share here on my blog—heh heh heh…), but this is never what I had in mind.

All of you who have said I’m a terrible granddaughter are laughing right now, aren’t you? LOOKIE THERE, JEN FEELS PAIN AFTER ALL! And to that I say SHUT. UP. And then I might, when your back is turned, wave at you with one finger. But just maybe.