I think I've recommended McSweeneys before but I'm too lazy to check. I was just browsing through the past month's articles and found this one particularly hilarious. You have got to check out this site, but only when you have a few hours to kill because you will totally get lost in there.
MY PET PEEVES
by Dan Liebert
People that make me laugh rock.
You gotta read about this guy who drove through a barricade and ended up in the river. His little dog apparently got caught under his brake pedal but he had trouble getting him out because he had a cup of coffee in one hand and his cell phone in the other. He said he lived through the accident because God heard his prayer.
So, he was saved because he prayed? Isn't this just proof that there is no God? Should we really be worshipping a god that would save this jackass?
This reminds me of all the times I didn't study for tests and prayed I'd ace them anyway. I mean, if you can't even manage to get ONE hand on the steering wheel as you careen down the highway with your dog roaming loose in your car, you better damn well not ever STOP praying.
I'm betting the airbag must be pissed, what with God getting all the credit for its hard work. Also, according to his dog's photo the guy hasn't heeded Bob Barker's advice.
I implore you, why are these people allowed to live? They're lucky their deserved punishment (slow torture involving ice picks, razor blades, rubbing alcohol, and Celine Dion) is frowned upon in today's society.
Kim (Felkley) Nelson and I once had a thing for Rick Astley. It was about 20 years ago, I think—that's when he was popular for that minute, right?—and it's 
really quite embarrassing to admit this now. But wasn't Never Gonna Give You Up the catchiest little tune? And remember how his voice sounded all big and black but in fact he looked like a cross between Ron Howard and that guy from Simply Red? And that he was, surprisingly, kind of a good dancer? C'mon, admit it... you cranked the radio when you heard him. You probably still do, ya big liar.
Fine, you don't have to agree with me.
But you know you want to.
I saw this movie and it brought back happy memories of shameful fandom.
That is all.
In the words of my grandmother,
If you've been paying attention, you know that Grandma invents things in her head and then convinces herself they're true. This causes no end of frustration for anyone who knows her. 
Exacerbating the murder-inciting behavior is her usual whine: "I'm old, I don't know any better!"
That's all you need to know to understand the latest in what I have come to call The Nana Saga™.
About a year and a half ago Grandma got it in her head that Mom would never let her have a cell phone. No one knows where this came from. Our mom is not the boss of our grandma. No one is; Grandma tells us this often. So we all marveled at this latest invention of Grandma's and ignored her whining about it. Then Kathy and I decided to put Mom on one of our family cell phone plans, and we thought it'd make Grandma happy to be put on it too. (We're givers.)
So, not quite 13 months ago Kathy and I presented Grandma with her very own cell phone. It was programmed with all our numbers, photos, custom ringtones, all the stuff a grandma would need. To put it mildly, she was ecstatic, and we had to keep reminding her not to get too excited because she has a problem with bladder control. (Just like a cocker spaniel... if only she were as nice as one...)
Long story short, Grandma went on my family cell plan. Although I would have been fine with absorbing the additional cost of her service, Mom suggested I have Grandma take on the responsibility of paying for it herself. Our plan increased approximately $13/month when we added her, and she was glad to pay it. She was also told repeatedly that I had to sign a two-year contract for her phone and we would have to pay one meellion dollars to AT&T if/when we cancelled her service and/or she died. She started sending me semi-monthly (read: "when she felt like it") checks. Sometimes they were for $13. Sometimes they were for $10. Sometimes they were not written to me, and sometimes my name was spelled almost correctly. I didn't care. I may be an evil granddaughter but I'm not going to nag Grandma about $13.
When Grandma lost her phone I suspended the service to her number, but was still paying for it, of course. When she later found the phone in her coat pocket I restarted the service. I found it amusing that while she had again been reminded that we couldn't get out of her two-year contract just because she lost her phone, she still thought she didn't need to pay for it that month. No checkie for Jen-Jen.
Victor and I laughed at how, of our four numbers, Grandma's phone used up more minutes than any other. It was like we had a teenager all of a sudden. I think she probably just dialed numbers by sitting on her coat pocket (the idea of Grandma making a booty call makes me shudder). Our rollover minutes, which we had never needed before, suddenly became very valuable.
Those rollover minutes are long-gone, but no matter. Although her initial justification for needing a cell phone ("so I can be reached anywhere!") has not changed, the novelty has apparently worn off. Grandma got a land line and has been using her cell phone less.
And then yesterday I received this little beauty in the mail:
Hi Jen: Just wanted to let you know. I will not be sending you any more $13 a month for the phone I have been paying for for three years. I cannot afford it. Sorry, I will keep the phone. I figure it is paid for by now. I wish it didn't happen this way, but that is the way it is. Thank you very much. Love, Grandma
I don't care about the $13. I don't care that she has somehow turned 13 months into three years. I don't care that she's insane. Know what makes me mad about this? I hate that she makes me feel like I'm cheating her. Like I'm making her pay for something that she shouldn't. Like how DARE I ask her to spend her hard-earned retirement income on her phone. Like I'm taking her occasional $13 and investing it in my new summer home.
Apparently this is what's in Grandma's moldy old noodle:
The funny thing is, Mom says Grandma's still using the phone. The mean granddaughter in me wants to suspend her service (you won't pay? You won't get a phone!). But I'm afraid that if she dies without it then whoever finds her won't be able to pry the phone off her cold dead body and call me immediately so I can start doing my happy dance. I wouldn't want to miss a single minute of that happy dance. (Confession: I've already started doing it a little)
The other thing I've considered is reminding her that the contract goes through the end of January 2009, so if she doesn't want to pay for the service she needs to send me a check for the penalty fee. Maybe send her a copy of the contract. Maybe send her a copy of my friggin' bill WITH and WITHOUT her phone. Maybe include a flesh-eating virus in the envelope for good measure.
Alright, you wise acres. Tell me what to do. But here are the rules:
You may now proceed with your advice.
Sheila e-mailed me this morning to say that she's having a GIRL! I'm so excited for you and Mathew, and hopefully Aiden will be happy about this news too. Girls are so great, Sheila--they're screaming little doll babies you get to dress up all adorable and then marvel at how un-feminine their behavior is. You'll love her, as I'm sure you already do. Congratulations on evening up the genders in your family.
My dear friend Annalee recently told me the most exciting news. She and Mark are having a baby! They are thrilled to be preparing for their healthy son to arrive later this year. This is simply amazing, and I'm delighted to have her permission to share this happy, happy info. Congratulations, you guys! I'll bet Eva is thrilled to be a big sister--she certainly had a good model. I look forward to meeting your new addition this summer!
While I'm on the topic of the Medici family, I invite everyone to participate in The 2nd Annual Olivia Medici Memorial Run/Walk on Sunday, April 27, 2008. We went last year and plan to be there again for this one. It's a great cause.
I've been a bit delinquent with some important announcements. Here's the first one.
My friend Lafe is the proud father of another son. His announcement:
Sunday morning, February 17 at 6:29 AM, Rebecca delivered our second child; a big healthy boy weighing 9 lbs 4 oz. We have named him Rowan Ovey Bissell and he is a sweetheart. Right off the bat, he has been a great eater and shows signs of a contented personality. He measures 21 inches tall and has very large feet and hands with long fingers and toes. He is nearly 2 lbs larger than Cooper at birth but in spite of that, Rebecca did the entire delivery without pain meds. I must say, she is truly an amazing woman. In retrospect she might tell you she'd have preferred to marry someone without a dominate gene for fat headedness. 
Congratulations to Lafe, Rebecca and Cooper, and welcome to the world, Rowan!
(I just want to add that my duties as Lafe's proofreader continue to this day, although I'm not quite the stickler I once was. I admit to removing the double spaces between his sentences above, but all else is as he wrote it. However, I might have corrected a "Walla Walla Walla" had he made that mistake a SECOND time...)
Have you ever wondered why Hawaii has interstate highways? Would you think me an even bigger nerd to know that I have? To find the answer to this (the highway thing, not the nerd thing) and 24 other somewhat curious questions, read this article by Mental Floss: The 25 Most Important Questions in the History of the Universe. I think it might possibly be overstating the value of the questions, but it's an interesting piece nonetheless.
To be sung to the tune of The William Tell Overture:
Happy anniversary ♫
♪Happy anniversary
Happy anniversary ♫
Haaaaaaaaaaappy anniversary!
♪Happy happy happy happy happy anniversary
Happy happy happy happy happy anniversary
Happy anniversary
Happy anniversary ♫
Happy anniversary
♪Haaaaaaaaaaappy anniversary!♪
Eleven years ago today Victor and I got married, and it was probably the most fun day of our entire lives thus far. I still smile at the memory of our wedding and reception and how it was more perfect than I could have ever imagined. Of course, it had to go well because I'd planned it down to the smallest detail. (I would find out later that the church wench did her best to ruin it for everyone, but I was blissfully unaware of her shenanigans on my wedding day.)
Victor and I met when I was 14 and he was 18, and we were married just 14 short years later. Scout joined our family a few months after the wedding. Katie arrived just before our third anniversary, Jack almost two years after that. Casey came along about two years ago. Our family is complete. We're still happily in love today, and plan for that to continue for at least another few days.
Eleven years ago:
Add a few pounds and wrinkles and more pounds and grey hair and even more pounds, and you can figger out how we look today as an old married couple. Yay us.
The first pic above is for Kathy's benefit... she knows.
Here's a site with pictures of 200 calories' worth of individual foods. Of course, there's a lot of celery, apples, etc. Peanut butter? Not so much. It looks like about a spoonful of peanut butter comes to 200 calories. That makes me cry a little.
Some questions:
This site is soooo not what I'll be referring to as I make our weekend meals plan.
I'll leave you with a quote from one of my favorite episodes of The Simpsons, in which Homer intentionally gains weight so he can go on disability:
Dr. Nick: "Hi, everybody!"
Homer and Bart: "Hi, Dr. Nick!"
Dr. Nick: "Now, there are many options available for dangerously underweighted individuals like yourself. I recommend a slow steady gorging process combined with assal horizontology."
Homer: "Of course."
Dr. Nick: "You'll want to focus on the neglected food groups such as the whipped group, the congealed group and the chocotastic!"
Homer: "What can I do to speed the whole thing up, Doctor?"
Dr. Nick: "Well... be creative. Instead of making sandwiches with bread, use Pop-tarts. Instead of chewing gum, chew bacon ..."
Bart: "You could brush your teeth with milkshakes!"
Dr. Nick: "Hey, did you go to Hollywood Upstairs Medical College too? And remember, if you're not sure about something, rub it against a piece of paper. If the paper turns clear, it's your window to weight gain! Bye-bye, everybody!"
So, I went on Jack's field trip Tuesday. The kindergarteners went to a new fire station in the area. They always ask for lots of parents to come along as chaperones because apparently little kids can really get out of line on these trips.
They didn't count on us.
The depravity began before we left the school, when one of the moms (not me) asked if she could slide down the fire pole. And it got worse. It got much, much worse.
In admittedly weak defense, it is impossible for someone like me to be expected to tour a fire station without giggling. And it became obvious on Tuesday that a few other moms are also someone like me. I tell you, the "that's what she said!" opportunities were endless. We were shushed many times, even by the kindergarteners.
You say immature, I say devilish. Let's call the whole thing off. 'Cuz either way, I doubt I'll be asked to chaperone again.
Meh.
OK. Click the image to look at his beautiful blue eyes... that perfectly mussed hair... and let's ignore the wide stance...
Um, Mommy needs a minute alone with the Troy Bolton action figure...
I am hurting less today. I no longer want to chop my own head off. Other people's heads, well... I pretty much always want to chop off other people's heads.
Katie and Jack are still running fevers but Motrin seems to be getting us through the day. The fact that I'm appreciating their quiet-ish behavior while ill proves just what a tremendously bad mother I am.
I've escaped upstairs but I'm tired of sleeping. And even though I still have some trouble focusing on the computer screen, I can't stop trying. See what I do for you? Yeah.
Today's linky goodness goes to America's 20 Worst Foods. I was relieved to 
find that I have tried only one of the 20 items in my lifetime (the Awesome Blossom, which is not really all that awesome), so I'm going to conclude that I'm just as healthy as can be. I would, however, like to change that because #10 sounds perfectly delightful: Bob Evans Caramel Banana Pecan Cream Stacked and Stuffed Hotcakes. Is that heaven on a plate, or what? I don't care that its calories are equivalent to five Egg McMuffins, I must have it. Anyone know where can I find Bob? And then Weight Watchers?
Television (and life) would be far less entertaining if not for the birth of Matt Groening 54 years ago today. I bow in awed reverence to this brilliant man, creator of The Simpsons. He is one of very few Oregon celebrities of which we are proud to claim.
Nineteen seasons and nobody does it better. Need proof? Read some quotes from The Simpsons.
'Twas a dreary Valentine's Day.
Tuesday morning I woke up with a headache. I spent two days willing it away as I prepared for Katie's classroom Valentine's Day party today. I woke up around 3:00 this morning and was tempted to go to the E.R. because that's where the good drugs are. Instead I went downstairs and slept on the family room sofa. I'm not sure why I thought that would help anything; the family room sofa is not meant for someone as tall as I am to sleep on (how'd you do it, Kath???) and it made me grouchy (er).
My head was still pounding this morning. I slept as late as I could and then took off for the school with high hopes of being distracted enough that I could simply forget about my headache. Obviously, I am delusional when my head hurts this much. I met Katie's teacher in the hall and he said she wasn't feeling good either, and had stayed in from recess. I took her to the nurse and she was running a temp of 103° so they insisted I take her home. When the other room mother arrived and I told her I was leaving before the party even started, she looked at me like YOU HAVE GOT TO BE KIDDING. Y'know how something is totally out of your control but it still leaves you feeling irresponsible and flaky? I mean, she's a perfectly lovely person and probably doesn't hate me but I still think I owe her big time. Ergh.
I ran over to Jack's classroom to tell him I was taking Katie home and when I kissed him on the forehead he seemed very warm. He said he felt fine. I think he just didn't want to miss his classroom party. Katie and I curled up with the dogs and took naps as soon as we got home. Later I went to get Jack and he went to bed right away too, burning up. My headache really seemed immaterial at this point--any parent knows that other concerns disappear when your kids' skin feels like it's on fire. And now they're both in bed again and I still feel like crap and we didn't get even a tiny bit of Valentine's Day celebration in. What a bunch of sickie-losers we are.
It is quite possible the only good thing about today is that I did not get a dryer for a Valentine's Day gift. I got a lovely bouquet of colorful daisies, which were cheery and made me smile, briefly.
I hope your romantic tales of Valentine's Day 2008 involve far less vomiting than ours.
Valentine's Day is coming! Valentine's Day is coming! I don't mean to sound thrilled about this. I'm not. I think I might hate Valentine's Day this year because I think I'm getting a new dryer. Woo-hoo. It's not that my sweetie's so un-romantic as it's hard to justify spending $$ on jewelry when one suddenly needs to replace one's dryer. Because while I may be incredibly happy with a new ring on my finger, no matter how much I wave it around it will not dry my clothing. Pfbt.
Looking for a nice, personalized treat for your valentine? The Lovely Deanna sent me this pic yesterday, along with a link to the site it was created from (click the photo).
Or maybe you'd like something less heart-y? Check out the sign generators at redkid.net.
Or maybe you'd like to present your valentine with a novel starring you??? Check out these personalized novels at Romance by You. Here's a preview of a swashbuckling tale: In Pirates of Desire, the promise of pirate lore kindles the dreams of our strong-willed heroine, Lady Jennifer Saltmarsh, as she and her best friend April scheme for high seas adventure. But being captured by the notorious pirate captain, Victor Manullang, is as fiery and unforgiving as the seas themselves. Manullang, also known as 'Sea Wolf', is a handsome rogue and Lady Jennifer ultimately loses her heart to this rugged pirate.
You know me. I'm here to help.
Help. Our house is overflowing with Webkinz.
Katie adopted five new ones on her birthday. FIVE! She actually got six, but one is the pet of the month for March and if she adopts it before March 1, she'll miss out on a bunch of special prizes. One cannot miss out on a bunch of special prizes, let me tell you.
I'm embarrassed to say how many of these critters we have now. It's a lot. It's too many. We entered double digits long ago. Yikes. It has also now become a family affair. I've got a few, Vic has one, even Darlene has one. The kids were begging to get one for Grandma Mary this past weekend but we never made it to the mall or she, too, would be a Webkinz gal. The actual stuffed animals are "borrowed" by K&J and we grown-ups never see them again, but the virtual ones are our very own. Sad, no?
Katie and Jack picked out a German shepherd for Victor. The real one is cute even though it looks nothing like a German shepherd. But the virtual one looks more like a Mexican wrestler than a dog. I call him Nacho Libre.
Vic named it Colonel Klink, the humor of which is totally lost on Katie and Jack, and spends way too many hours a week playing with the virtual version. He's hooked on the Battleship-type pirate ship game and Quizzy's Word Challenge. He's started collecting hats for the dog--a top hat, cowboy hat, "I'm the Wiz" style crown, rainbow wig, aviator hat, pirate hat, Marie Antoinette wig, and baseball caps and stocking caps. Most of the time Colonel Klink looks like a virtual member of the Village People as he wanders around shirtless in his fancy head gear (Vic thinks pants AND a shirt detract from the hats). It's funny and freakish all at the same time. Vic has been humming "YMCA" quite a bit more than usual, which is also quite funny and quite freakish.
I got February's pet of the month, a cow, and named it T-Bone*. 
I quickly decided he's not my favorite Webkinz because he's next to impossible to feed. The other animals usually get stuff that's pretty filling, like burgers and nachos and lasagna, so it's easy to satisfy their hunger. But Vic says I'm not allowed to feed T-Bone meat because that would make T-Bone a cannibal. Do you know how many fruits and vegetables I have to buy to fill up that friggin' cow? Sheesh. I'm going broke (virtually).
Ever since I found the Marie Antoinette wig in the Webkinz Curio Shop, I check it frequently for more rare and unique items. Last week 
I found gift box shoes, which are exactly what they sound like--shoes that look like presents. I thought they seemed very Howard-Hughes-Kleenex-box, and I had to have them, because how funny is that? T-Bone is quite the festive clean-freak cow, though I assure you that if he had fingernails and/or toenails and I could clip them, I certainly would.
Perhaps the best news from the Manullang Webkinz World is that we were finally able to talk Jack into moving the toilet out of his living room and into its own very special room. Whew.
No doubt my next post will be written by one of the Webkinz themselves. Yes, we are in that much risk of takeover.
This is no virtual addiction, people. It's the real thing. Ye be warned.
*I wanted to name it Bovine Carr for your amusement, Kathy and Lori, but, well, I didn't.
A friend forwarded this to me today. It's bad bad bad but I laughed my arse off and I bet you will too.
How on earth did we get to be parents of an eight-year-old? My goodness, these years have flown by. It seems like such a short time ago I was grouchy and pregnant, and then suddenly I was neither of those things, just thrilled to have a baby girl. Here are two of my favorite pictures taken in the early days of Katie.
And she's looking a lot less baby-like nowadays:
Big party planned for this afternoon... pictures to follow. Happy birthday to our Katie Bug!
I've finally added new pictures to some pages at manullang.com. There's the Rothstein Family's Christmas 2007 photo, one of Gwennie's November portraits, and a bunch of the ever-adorable Presley in Disneyland last month. Take a gander and enjoy.
This morning I discovered the International Home Remedies Project web 
site. Because no typical headache treatments seem to work on me, I'm always curious about alternative remedies. There are some interesting suggestions here, but also a few that make me wonder if someone's just having some giggles. I don't know, but my feeling is that any treatment that begins with "Put on your tin foil hat" might not be the most effective. Call me a cynic.
Linky linky! Here's a fun article from The Onion's AV Club: The knights who say "nerd": 20 pop-cultural obsessions even geekier than Monty Python.
I'm proud to say there are only two of these 20 obsessions to which I can relate. Some of them I've never even heard of--game show tape trading? Cosplay?
The Simpsons is #1 on our TiVo season passes list, and we watch the evening syndicated episodes too. However, I've never been even one bit suspect that the world the Simpsons live in is preferable to ours. In fact, I'm pretty sure if I was drawn into The Simpsons they'd make me look like Lunch Lady Doris and I don't think I could handle that. I'll stay in my own little imaginary world, thankyouverymuch.
The other obsession is Wikipedia, but I'm not sure it counts because I've never edited a Wikipedia entry. I've wanted to, but I never have. So the fact that I consult the site often doesn't really count as geeky according to this article.
Might I conclude that I'm not as big a geek as I'm often accused of being?
Here's a meme of some random questions. Please post your answers in a comment or your blog. Thanks!
Where's my balloon? Where's my party?
I had my first mammogram today. Yes, I should have done it four years ago. Yes, my doctor chastises me every time I see her for not going before now. I wasn't exactly looking forward to it, but I wasn't absolutely dreading it either. I was pretty sure the worst of the horror stories were exaggerations, so it was just a matter of scheduling the appointment. Perhaps best of all, my doctor isn't going to yell at me anymore (I'm a leetle bit a-scared of her).
The procedure was completely painless. There was a small amount of what I can't even call discomfort; it was more like awkwardness, mostly from trying to stand still. I've worn bras that were more painful than that whole thing.
Also, it really seemed like the tech should have bought me dinner after all that fondling. But no, she was just off on her merry way, to her next patient. Hmph. Anyway, I'm glad to have that first mammogram over, and now I know not to dread all the future ones. I still think I deserve a party though.
